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The many lies of SS4. What did you do when kids were going through that phase?

SteppingUp's picture

Step-parenting aside, I like to call on many of you for general parenting advice. How do you deal with young kids who lie all the time?

SS4 has been caught in so many lies lately. He even thinks of something else it could be (atleast we know he's getting smarter!). Some examples:
A) SS was sent to the car as we were all leaving the house to go to the mall, and when I got in the car his face was covered in chocolate. When asked what he ate, he lied and said nothing. He said he had chocolate milk at his grandma's house (he had been there that morning). Finally we discovered a half-eaten chocolate donut. I didn't know his grandma had sent him with them and that FDH had left them in the car. They were SS's donuts so he wouldn't have gotten in trouble for eating them, but he lied about. So we didn't let him play at hte play center in the mall.

Dirol Yesterday he was throwing rocks off of our deck into the yard and hit his sister, SD6 in the back of the head. When I finally got out what had happened from SD6, I asked him why he was throwing rocks into the yard? He said "I only throwed one." And that ONE rock hit your sister? "Yup." Before his time out I instructed him to go pick up the rock he threw. He came upstairs with a HANDFUL of rocks. I said, "Oh so you threw more htan just one?" He said, "No, I only throwed one. These were down there." So he lied again! I said Daddy just mowed the lawn and he wouldn't have left a pile of rocks there. Finally I got the truth out of him, and he served two time outs for lying.

C) Kids were eating a Kids Cuisine meal for dinner last night and he was instructed 3 times that he had to ask before he could eat his pudding. I was dealing with baby while he was eating and he said, "Can I be done?" I went to look and he had only eaten 1/3 of his meal and ALL of his pudding. I said, "You ate your pudding without asking?" and he said, "No, it was like that." I was like "REALLY? You're going to lie again?" And he refused to tell the truth. Another time out.

D) After hte kids were in bed, FDH and I were watching TV and we heard this thumping noise. We thought it was from outside. A few minutes later, the baby starts to cry like it was startled. FDH goes down to check, calms baby, and notices that SS is talking to himself in his bed. SS shares a wall with Baby's room. FDH discovers the thumping noise was SS kicking the wall. So he said to SS, "Did you wake up the baby by kicking the wall?" SS said, "No, the dog did it. Dog went into baby's room and woke him up." FDH got pretty mad at him and told him the lying will stop! The dog was with us upstairs the whole time.

E) This morning, I asked SS three times if he'd brushed his teeth, and he assured me he had. Then SD6 informed that she never saw him brushing his teeth. So then SS gets up and says "Oh yeah! I forgot to brush my top teeth...and my bottom teeth...." so I said to him "You lied AGAIN?" He just looked around.

So what do we do? I understand all kids go through this phase...it doesn't seem like time outs are doing much. He doesn't like them but obviously it's not a harsh enough punishment for lies. I had a heart to heart with him last night and told him that A) I don't like being 'mean' to him and having to put him in time outs, and Dirol when he lies he gets in more trouble than telling the truth, even if he doesnt want to tell us the truth it's always better. He seemed to get that....but then lied this morning.

I told FDH that we need to really pay attention to when he tells the truth about things so we can praise him, so that he understands he gets in more trouble for lying. I also realize we need to start taking things away or taking priveledges away when he lies.

What else can we do?

Comments

SteppingUp's picture

Thank you for your opinions. I do agree he needed a harsher punishment. I'm not really sure that he meant to throw the rock AT her, I think he was just throwing it while she was walking down the stairs in front of him. Bad judgement and aim of course but not intentionally hurting. I know he didn't do it intentionally too because he did have a scared look on his face when she came upstairs crying. So...I can't go back and punish him for it or change my punishment, but I do definitely agree with you that since he physically hurt someone he should have been punished more severely. I couldn't think on my feet at htat moment as I was cooking supper, and dealing with a teething fussy baby! Smile About the spanking thing, I do agree sometimes a butt whooping is necessary, however, I'm not about to do it when I'm the only one in charge of the kids (FDH wasn't home). Maybe that might seem wrong but I'm not about to put myself in that position to be spanking them, although I've done it before, when FDH was home.

Thanks for the suggestions about having two consequences - one for the deed and one for the lie, the lie being more severe. I really like that and will keep that in mind.

astepmom's picture

I have a four year old too, and I recently began trying to reframe my questions so that I'm not setting up any of the kids to lie. Like Umhassouna suggested, if I already know what happened, then I don't even ask, I just take whatever action I want to take. It really removes the first step in the battle and gets us much closer to resolution more quickly.

This method has really thrown the older kids for a loop! Lying is becoming a really big issue in our house, b/c BM encourages the skids to lie to us. I feel like it's a full time job trying to stay one step ahead of them, but we do try!

SteppingUp's picture

Yes I see now how I played into that and will deifnitely watch myself in the future with my wording! Thank you!

SteppingUp's picture

I'm against hot saucing personally...as BM uses it for punishments that don't fit the crime. As a result neither skid will eat anythng with the slightest amount of spice, and are leary of anything red or orange.

truebloodfreak's picture

I don't do a lot of the disciplinimg because my SO has basically raised them himself. I know the rock throwing is not good and deserves a butt whopping. All the other things are basic kids things.lying about food, making noises etc. I still don't know what to do about that besides yell at my SS. Make him clean his room or something. my SS9 constantly lies about everything -little things. I hope he grows out of it. I have disengaged A LOT from when I first got with SO I don't do anything else but the bare necessities. I think the children's parents need to enforce discipline more than stepparents.

12yrstepmonster's picture

When my kids and skids were younger, we rephrased the question.

SS hot chocolate on his face- SS, you have chocolate all over your face, can you please show me what you ate.

SS throwing rocks (I would have spanked): SS we don't throw rocks period - daddy has to pick those up from the yard before he mowes, NOW you go and get all the rocks you threw so daddy doesn't have too.

SS - to my SS I See teeth marks on your sisters arm where you bit her, we don't bite. I didn't ask, I told him waht I knew.

DON'T give him a chance to lie. And wouldn't you lie if you think it's going to get you out of trouble. Oh and I took all deserts out of the trays before I gave to kids. That way they had to eat to get it.

There is a great website called love and logic. IF you have the money I would suggest it to anyone and everyone. IT is really great for parenting.