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Fears that our child will turn out just like skids...

SteppingUp's picture

I have just completely realized this fear. It was there before, just not so strong....

I don’t want my child - who is now 1 year old - to grow up to be like SS4 and SD6.

Over the past 3 years (the length of time DH and I have been together), we’ve banked on the thought that some of the behavioral issues we've had with the kids are because they are modeled poorly by their mother -- and we've thought those would be outweighed by how WE model things in our house – as well as our consistency with rules and expectations in our house. Increasingly it seems we have been mistaken.

A lot of the things could MAYBE be explained away by saying “all kids do that”. But the extent to which the kids are rude, unappreciative, and hurtful goes beyond the kid excuse. They learn it from their mom. And no matter how much we model and try to point out manners and nice things that they do or other people do or we do, it doesn’t seem to make a difference to them.

One brief example: this weekend we went out of town with DH’s parents, who are the sweetest most self-less people you’d ever meet. The kids begged to ride with them on the way home. At a gas station, DH’s parents bought them coloring books and some activity things to do in the car. When we got to our house, DH’s parents bent down for hugs and said “Goodbye kids, it was so nice to spend time with you, thank you for riding with us! I love you!” and LITERALLY there was no acknowledgement, no goodbye, nothing from the kids. They walked away without even attempting a hug and SD6 said to us in the snottiest tone she could muster “We didn’t even get to watch TV this weekend.” (Mind you, we had spent the weekend at a WATER PARK HOTEL!) Before we even could acknowledge this, SS4 was saying “Daddy can I play Angry Birds on your phone, Grandma doesn’t have it on hers so I didn’t get to play it in the car.” We were so mad! They literally wouldn’t have even said “goodbye” to their grandparents if we hadn’t MADE them. Let me also add that these are their "favorite" grandparents and we see them atleast once a month so it's not like they're virtual strangers.

The disrespect and lack of appreciation is what we see every day. They need constant prompts to be sweet kids and to think of others AT ALL. They are 4 and 6. That is the age where every kid I’ve ever known (before them) are the sweetest versions of themselves!!!

So I guess I’m asking for advice/commiseration/empathy on this – how do I battle this with our own kid? I was talking to my coworker who is the BM in a situation and her husband (the stepdad) is having the same issues and she’s taking it hard. She thinks he’s being overly critical of HER kids but he’s not wanting their child – who’s a toddler – to model off the bad behaviors. I told her I think it’s natural that we don’t want our younger kids to do what our older kids are doing that is “bad”….and it’s just heightened when one set is NOT your kids.

I’m extra-worried about how deep this new fear of mine seems to be running all of a sudden. I think part of it is that we may be fighting for full custody of SS4 in the next few months, and the thought that – what if we can’t change his behavioral issues?? Is he already a “lost cause”?

Maybe our kid without their influence would turn out "Bad" anyway but I feel like I'm going to have no control over how he turns out because he's just going to want to be like them.

Comments

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I don't think you have anything to worry about either and you're going about it the right way. I think you are much better able to differentiate between warning signs and things that can be "let go because they're kids" and full on inappropriate behavior, because you're not the scorned and bitter BM.

You know what helped with my parents to raise us? It's kind of bad but they would analyze and dissect the bad behavior of OTHER PEOPLE'S kids with us at meals or in the cars. They never said we shouldn't do them but would be like "Well, at the rate he's going, no one will be his friend." and it increased in complexity and severity and detail as we got older--"People like that will never gain much respect because all they do is xxx"

We would tell our parents what our friends do and they would say "they're silly, glad you know better." and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS praise us for being such "good kids for never doing that" at the end of the comparisons.

Wink Worked like a charm on me and my sister.

Madam Hedgehog's picture

I'm pregnant with my first, and I worry about this sort of thing all the time. I am especially worried my kid will try to copy the skids' bad behavior, or that my kid will learn its primary social skills with other children from the skids, who can't get along for ten minutes and who don't interact with other kids very well.

I know that younger siblings generally look up to their older brothers and sisters, so I think it's a genuine concern when the older siblings have alot of behavioral problems.

However, I don't think it's impossible to raise your child to have correct manners. I do think it will be a bit more challenging though.

imthewife's picture

How much time do your skids spend with you?

First off, their behavior towards their grandparents would have never flown with me or my husband. I would have made those children thank their wonderful grandparents (and maybe you did, too).

I came into my SD's life when she was 3 and she was a b-r-a-t. She literally would look at people and snarle and growl at them and hide behind my DH. I quickly put a stop to that. It got better but she still has communication problems with people, even at 19!!!!!

My point is that you should not worry about their behavior. As i say about our two bio kids together 10 and 3...I am in charge of them. NO one else is. IF they get out of line, I knock them back in. I also set strict limits on how the 19 can behave in front of them. I admit we are in new territory...but lay your ground work now...nd they will eventually get the idea that you are not the person to cross. This can be done in a very loving way...it doesn't have to be a battle. And yes...we all had to/have to deal with the BM run off...but they will eventually get it!

Hang in there...I think we all have that same fear!

hismineandours's picture

I met my ss when he was 1, almost 2. He had lived with dh since the divorce a year prior. He moved in with me-and bm only saw him every other weekend-I always naively thought he'd be more like us and adopt our values since our home is where he spent the majority of time. Ha! Was I ever wrong! Instead he adopted NO values-bm's values arent very good-but I do believe she has a few-he didnt even manage to adopt hers, much less ours.

My kids all have values. SS13 recently moved back in with us after an almost 5 years of just sporadic visitation. My dd14 is far too mature to ever behave like ss-as really is my ds12. He really buttered up my dd10 over the last few days (he was working on gaining access to her phone and kindle fire for the internet)-once he got caught doing that and they both got in trouble they've not spent time together. But I did see in just those couple of days her attitude already changing. I know now he was talking about me, he has a horrid attitude in general and it WAS rubbing off on her. I am hoping that the punishment of her losing her phone (which he was using against the rules)is enough to make her rethink who she chooses as allies. With your younger child-I just think you need to work on teaching values as you would anyway. If your skids get in trouble for their bad behaviors, your child will see that as well and will not want to be like that. All of my kids would take it a HUGE insult if anyone compared the to ss13.

sonja's picture

Its amazing how much my BS1 has picked up from SD4 and shes only here EOWe. But the entire time shes here, they are together, as Im working and FDH just sits at home with them. She has been here for 2 weeks and BS continues to do things she taught him.

I also thought that SD would be less like FDH since shes rarely here, but she acts like him in a lot of ways. Im not sure what it is with this, but at 4 I do believe shes a 'lost cause' in many aspects. Shes been taught things have no value, get whatever you want, and has not been taught to be appreciate of things. She remembers things that happen quite a while back as well, so any bad habits/behaviors shes picked up on over the past 1yr+ she continues to do.

alwaysanxious's picture

I am pregnant with my first. this is on my mind A LOT. However, my skids are teens so they should be off to get their own life at some point (I hope :? )

My own child will be raised very differently. I think it will cause some friction with SO and skids at first, but they will have to manage, because I will NOT be flexible about how I raise our child. My thoughts are that the skids will be interested in the new baby at first and then once the newness wears off things will settle and they will be focused on themselves again. I am hoping baby will not be too interested in the older sibs as he/she grows. Maybe since I lack interest in the skids, baby will too.

We'll see. I do know where you are coming from though. I think your child will be different because you will not tolerate certain things from the beginning. Not like with the skids and their parents.

lac925's picture

We're in the same boat. SD8 and SS10 are exactly like their mother - rude, ungrateful, oppositional, always like to cause drama/fights. They come over every other weekend and our 5-yr-old plays with them. I DO see some bad behaviour rubbing off on DS, but FH and I always try to explain to him why that type of behaviour is not acceptable. It's really hard when the parenting styles of both parents is different - meaning, WE parent, BM doesn't. What we try to teach them is long forgotten by the time they get home and back to their own routines. The best we can do is teach DS right from wrong and being from a stable family, I'm confident that he will catch on. I know it works because every time the SKIDS are over and they start fighting, DS is right there, telling them not to fight! Smile