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Name change to suit my identity.....Having my own pity party :(

steppie1999's picture

I have decided to change my name. I used to enjoy being steppie but I have given in to my true identity as a second class citizen. Perhaps this seems like a pity party and maybe it is but I'm beaten down.
I love my husband, my son and my stepkids but the reality we are so often told that we are....just not always in these words.....but as step-parents....we (and our bio children) become second class citizens in our own homes whenever it comes to our steps. We are the outcasts who will never measure up to the standards of the bio parents even though we are expected to take on the roles of "parents" whenever the step children are present.

We will have the SK's for the next 10 days so I have decided that I will be cook, maid, chauffeur, etc. but if the SK's want something they can ask their Dad.
Lately all I get is grief if I get onto SS who lives here for not doing what he's told so I am done and I told SS so today. I am tired of being the nag while DH sits back and criticizes me (in front of SK's) for getting onto them about things they have been told a million times to do or not know....things that our own birth children do that we have to "nag" them about. I'm tired of living a double standard so I will just keep my mouth shut.....even though that will also be noticed and criticized.
C'est La Vie


frustrated like nobodies business's picture

used to be Godisgoodallthetime...and HE is...but I AM FRUSTRATED LIKE NOBODIES BUSINESS....

i feel your pain...

unknown's picture

as tiring as it is, do not let your DH and his kids make you feel like you are a doormat. you have JUST AS MUCH SAY as DH does and the kids should have less. tell him IN FRONT OF HIS KIDS (see how he likes it) that you are tired of being treated like a maid/cook and as far as you're concerned, if this continues, they can all look forward to being completely on their own living in yet ANOTHER fragmented family situation, because you have enough self dignity to not stick around for more abuse.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

B's picture

Steppie - you are not 2nd class even though you may feel like it at times. I totally understand. This just hit so close to home for me: " I love my husband, my son and my stepkids but the reality we are so often told that we are....just not always in these words.....but as step-parents....we (and our bio children) become second class citizens in our own homes whenever it comes to our steps." I totally feel like my BS2 (who is my child with DH), and my BK's take a back seat and become the after thoughts when SD is here. It's gotten better in regards to my older 2 - I grew a set one day and told DH that it was inacceptable and incredibly unfair of him to expect everyone's life to come to a complete halt so they could be at his and SD's beck and call. That 'set' shriveled and died for a while, but now that BS2 has been getting the short end of EVERYTHING whenever she's here they seem to be growing back.
Unknown had some good advice for you, and I can honestly say I tried to use some of the other advice I've seen on others posts to help diffuse situations while SD was here.
Hang in there, and remember you're first class here with us! Smile

SerendipitySM's picture

I fight this battle everyday and since I started going to counseling over a month ago am starting to find my voice and speak up in front of the kids. I know I have a long road ahead of me but I am tired of feeling like a stranger in my own home whenever they are here - we need to take back our control - these are our lives too!!!

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

steppie1999's picture

I've been doing this for 10+ years so you'd think I'd be used to it by now but it seems like the older the kids get....the worse it gets. I sometimes thank God my BS is 17 and nearly finished with school and sooner than I like (sob) will be on his own.
I know a lot of you know how I feel....
As women, we are supposed to "automatically" take on the role of loving caring "mother" to our SK's but a lot of men don't realize that OUR birth children would benefit from the same type of relationship with their StepDads...after all, they are children from divorce too. In my case, my BS doesn't get any contact with his BF and never really has and it would be nice from BS to just be acknowledged instead of constantly left out.
My latest grievance....DH has been planning a fishing trip to take his kids on while they're here so last weekend we had to make sure we went out and bought 3 new fishing rod and reels....for his kids....DH didn't think we needed to buy one for my BS because "he probably wouldn't want to go anyway" and it's possible that he may not want to but with the typical attitude I can't help but think that it's more like DH would prefer that BS doesn't go with. Besides, if BS doesn't want to go I know it's because he already knows that he's not "welcome" on an outing that was planned only because SK's are here.
Thanks for letting me get this all off my chest.
I wish I could talk all this out with DH but we've been having the same argument the whole time we've been married Sad


The Principlist's picture

Do not allow anyone to walk over and disrespect you in YOUR home and that includes DH. MY DH is a jewel, but there was a time when he was unwilling to see my side. We live in Florida and if you are not familiar you know that we have what is called Hurricane Season. When a hurricane is out on the horizon and there is a possibility that it may hit it is referred to as a "Tropical Depression." DH and SKids know that when mama ain't happy, NOONE is happy. DH is usually put on alert when there is a tropical storm brewing and he knows if he has to bunker down and take cover. The storm usually does not blow over until the matter is rectified. I believe that your home should be your safe haven where you can find peace and tranquility; however, there were many days when my home was none of that.

I do not work and therefore Skids feel that it is "their" home b/c dad pays the bills. I have to remind ALL that if if it were not for me, we would not be living in THIS home. When I met DH, BD & I were living in a condo that I paid for with my money. DH had to give up the marital residence in the divorce and did not own a home. DH eventually moved in with me & BD. When the courts awarded permanent custody of Skids to us I sold my condo and we used the proceeds to buy the home that we now live in. If it were not for the condo, we would have been unable to afford the home that we live in and my 2/1 condo was too small for 2 adults and 3 children. I think they get the picture now, but when they forget....the Tropical Depression has a way of making them remember.

You should never be made to feel 2nd class in your own home. Last time I checked children don't pay the bills, therefore they have no say in how things are done. I welcome Skids to feel comfortable as this is their home, but they are also cognizant of the fact that there is only one King and one Queen up in this castle (no Prince's or Princesses, just loyal servants). And no they do not serve us, they just don't get a say in the everyday running of things unless we ASK for their input.

My new StepMother's Motto:

When life gives you lemons... Make a damn good Margarita.

stepwitch's picture

There was only room for one queen in my home too, I am just sad cause it took me sooo long to realize that!!

Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

The Principlist's picture

I think as with all things we must come into our own to know who we will be and how we will be. A first time mom, wife, SM or whatever role it is doesn't automatically know how to be. There is no instruction manual and we don't always just flow into that role. Sometimes we have to feel our way through and once we get the hang of it, it becomes automatic. I was a mom and a wonderful BM for 13 years before becoming a SM. Becoming a SM changed me from the inside out some for the good and some not so. I am a lot tougher and firmer, I don't mince my words, no means no, I draw my line in the sand and STAND. I never had to fight to be, I just was. Now I have to chose my very words because they become twisted and misconstrued. However, no matter what I stand my ground. Because if you don't stand up for YOU, who will?

My new StepMother's Motto:

When life gives you lemons... Make a damn good Margarita.