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The Never-ending fight

StepperLife's picture

So DH and I are yet again at this never ending fight. He becomes so nasty and verbally hostile. It’s a sensitive subject but still we should be able to discuss things. 

So the topic SD, school shopping seems to be never ending with her. It bothers me because well I’m one of these parents that gets things done early, make sure by ODD has things she needs and wants. Here we are a few days before school and SD now has things she needs to get, why DM isn’t getting them idk. We live  about 40 minutes from the mall and from there another 50 minutes from where SD lives. 

Of course I’m annoyed. We already bought both girls that go to school (ODD and SD) two pairs of shoes and uniforms. SD’s mother said she get supplies. Well that’s not accurate. And now almost 4 PM here and she (SD) has now decided the shoes she originally picked and tried on she doesn’t like. 

Disney Dad to the rescue. 

Even with me being annoyed and telling him  our ODD we are teaching her about making her own decisions and choices and sticking with them. Show responsibility and accountability. Not dear old SD. Special treatment I guess. 

Just annoyed he bends over for her to such an extreme it’s disgusting. I’m in the room as he is leaving and ask he not close the door so I can hear my ODD if she needs anything and he does so anyways. I call him a d*ckhead and he in returns says “My Mother” no big deal, she never won mother of the year award let’s just say. So it doesn’t get to me. But I do tell him I’m so sick of his ego allowing him to get the best of him all because he can’t face the reality his kid is a spoiled brat. 

Told him to his face “Realize this marriage would be better off without her” mean I know but there’s more. 

“Notice how when it’s just us and our girls, we may disagree but a few minutes later we are back being happy, when it’s about her you become such a d*ck that you stay in the room and sleep all day and don’t pay any mind to our littles. But yet when she’s here you put on a f’ing cape and become super Disney Dad. I’m tired of this bs walking on eggshells around you and her. “ 

 

guess im just really fed up, what’s the saying - when a women’s fed up, ain’t shit you can do about it. 

 

Maybe its its song lyrics. Lol. 

Comments

Siemprematahari's picture

Your marriage is in trouble and you are both cursing and disrespecting each other. Your daughter sees and picks up on this and you're both modeling poor behavior all around. I know the Disney dad syndrom is frustrating but if it's getting you to this point, you need to disengage and urgently seek marriage counseling. I fear your marriage will not last if it continues on this way.

StepperLife's picture

I should have clarified, our house is rather large. The girls and their rooms are on the opposite side of the house, she was playing Xbox w/ headsets and mija she can’t hear a tornado passing. 

BUT you’re 100% right, we shouldn’t be doing it regardless. DH is this macho old school Dominican who doesn’t believe in therapy of any sorts. 

Just seeing the light that this may be the end. 

Willow2010's picture

 I call him a d*ckhead 

Told him to his face “Realize this marriage would be better off without her” mean I know but there’s more. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Yea..probably would have lost my shit on you over these.  

StepperLife's picture

Reality , as crappy as it is, he knows it’s the truth. SD has always started issues, not only in our relationship, her mothers too. To the point that for 2 years her mothers bf moved to where they live now by himself. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

SD isn't causing these issues. Your DH and his crappy parenting are. If SD weren't in the picture for him to dump all his time and attention into, it would be something or someone else. It would only be luck of the draw that the thing he'd pour it into is you and/or your marriage.

This is a character flaw in your DH. Being an "old macho man Dominican" doesn't mean he can't learn. It's an excuse, not a reason, for his behavior. By playing that card, or even you playing that card, absolves him from having to evolve into a better human being.

Also, just because something is the truth doesn't mean it needs to be delivered disrespectfully. There is a big difference between calling someone a d*ckhead and telling them they are acting like a d*ck. There is a big difference between telling someone that their kid is the reason their marriage sucks and telling them that you have concerns about how blending families is taking a toll on your marriage. Going on the attack is only going to make a macho man who doesn't believe in therapy angry (hell, it'd make most people angry), and weakens your argument because YOU look like a d*ck for starting the attack.

Trust me, I understand the frustration of a DH playing Captain Save-A-MoFo. My DH and I have fought about it many a times. But never have I resorted to calling him names, or him calling me names. Never has yelling or screaming gotten the point across. Me being able to say "here are the consequences for this action" became enough for DH to see the light, because the consequences (which weren't divorce) were worse than the benefit of his BS behavior.

If you're at the point where the only consequence you can deliver is "change or divorce", and he won't change or make attempts to change, then your marriage is over. Modeling yelling and screaming in hopes that he'll change before you finally walk is only harming your kid and yourself, and not saving your marriage.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, OP, neither of you are fighting fair and you are being abusive to him, too.  Time to end this marriage, I think, or at least stop blaming him and work on your own communication to see if that helps. 

StepperLife's picture

I have spoken to him about ending it, see I am a sahm, he’s worried about alimony. So I asked him you rather we live in misery? 

He admitted misery is better than alimony. 

tog redux's picture

You can end it without his permission. And you can choose not to take alimony and get a job (or only take it until you can get a job). 

StepperLife's picture

I’ve tried to work now, when I do have interviews he won’t watch the girls. Or take my keys. Even if I tried to leave without him knowing, like to do “ groceries” he finds a way to find me via some gps. Believe me I have tried. 

tog redux's picture

OK, then leave and get alimony and CS - him doing that is just more abuse.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

He takes your keys - as in your car keys? So you can't leave? This is abusive behavior. He is slowly making you dependent on him so you can't leave. You need to stop this now. Read up on domestic abuse - there is way more to it than physical violence - it starts with control. Start with this site https://www.thehotline.org/

Siemprematahari's picture

Controlling much,,,, red flags, red flags.......honey this is no way to live......He's making it so you can rely on SOLELY him and you need to gain some independence ASAP.

 

justmakingthebest's picture

I agree with the poster that talked about fighting fair. You need to go to a counselor or read on how to fight properly. You will be the destruction of your marriage -- NOT YOUR SD -- if you continue on this path. I would have called a lawyer over those words.

On another note, school shopping. Instead of this being a fight, this should have been a simple budget conversation. I have been giving my kids a budget on back to school shopping since they were in 1st or 2nd grade. Sometimes it takes longer to shop because they have discovered the importance of finding a good deal and will hmmm and haw over whether or not to buy something or keep looking but they know when the $ is gone, they are done. 

Harry's picture

That DH bad parenting iscausing thr SD problem.  If he would teach her not to do what she is doing life would be better.  Just blame the right person 

Stepmom2oneandsodone's picture

It's almost identical to your issues. My DH never understands the frustration with my SS. It's so annoying. He can do no wrong!