New to the Forum...just need to vent and figure out what to do.
I am a BM of two boys, (18 and 20 who have the same dad). I have a live in boyfriend who has two BD's, (6 and 17 who have different moms). We have been dating for 2 years now. I have already raised mine and after an extended period (7 years) not dating I found my boyfriend. He is a fiery man which is both awesome and horrible. My 20yo and his 6yo live at home with us. My 18yo is living a college campus life and his 17yo lives with her mom. The relationship has been rocky the whole time. Worse in the beginning because he had just separated from his wife. (Yes they are still married but legally separated.) I thought I was finally going to have my freedom from kids and all that entails (finances, freedom of time, freedom to take more risks) until I met him. I made this as a conscious decision but am frequently doubting my decision. I adore him. Our problems are basically and likely the same as everyone elses here. I feel awkward when his kids are here even after 2 years. The 6yo is severely ADHD as is boyfriend which makes things tense when she is here. Sunday-Thursday basically. She is bossy, nosy, has no concept of personal space and lies and manipulates to get her way all the time. And worst of all she wants constant praise and attention. She can be like a vampire sucking the life out of you. We don't allow it but that takes just as much or more energy to correct her. Every time we get her back from her mother we usually spend the rest of the week trying to straighten her back out. Slowly this has gotten a little better. What makes me feel awkward is him. He gets home and we go to the bedroom to talk a minute before we come out to hang out with her until bedtime. He usually wants to always watch TV and lounge on the couch. If he snuggles with her, or rather when he snuggles her, he behaves as if he feels he has to cuddle us both at the same time. This makes me very uncomfortable. She is not my kid and we have not bonded enough for me to feel comfortable with that. Its not like we are mom, dad, and kid. One happy little family. I am a stranger still. This is the only time he tries to include me with her is when he cuddles her. I believe this is only because if they are snuggled on one side and I am alone on the other side of the sectional couch then he feels that he is ignoring me. I would rather that honestly!! And when we go out together I feel like a third-wheel. I usually feel neglected and alone despite him trying to include me in cuddles. Our cuddle time is ours. He can cuddle with her during the day I have him every night. I think it is important that they spend time alone together without me. She obviously needs that. Would I feel like a third-wheel on the couch?.....Yes, but it feels very unnatural to me. He gets upset because I get "cold". My biggest problem though is that I can't have real conversations with him. If I were to try and talk to him about any of this he would get pissed off and react instead of listen and problem solve with me. This too is making me question whether I made a bad decision or not. He loves me. He quit drinking alcohol to stay with me. But he has issues that he still needs to work out to catch up emotionally after being a drunk for so long. I am trying to stand by him as he works on himself. But I also have resentment because he and my oldest son have issues. I find that my resentment comes out towards his little girl instead of him. I know it shouldn't but if you think about it it makes sense. These are the thoughts that cross my mind. He doesn't give a shit about my kids why should I put in so much effort for his? He doesn't buy them birthday presents why should I help pay for his daughters? This is how it plays out. Last night this brought me to tears. Its a lose, lose situation at this point. I lose him or I hang in there and slowly work it out and hope that I don't have an insurmountable mound of resentment.... Any advice from those who can relate or have overcome any of this would be greatly appreaciated.