Dealing with the inevitable jealousy - daughter travelling, stepkids never have.
My daughter (age1) is going to be travelling to my home country with MIL. It's also DH's home country and the in-laws' home country, but I only recently moved here to get married to DH, and they have been here since DH was 12.
Anyway, my step-kids (ages 11 and almost-13) have never visited DH's home country, but have always been looking forward to it, have been promised that they would go there one day. It is not BM's home country, she is American. DH has never had the money to take them there and still doesn't. BM and DH are only now even thinking about getting them their passports and have agreed to split the costs on that 50/50. DH never cared to take BM to his home country (which he visited only a few times while married to her), due to the embarassment she always caused when around his family (she doesn't understand the culture), but he has always thought about carrying the kids. He simply never made it a priority money-wise, because they did have money for lots of other nice things, when he was married to BM.
Anyway, before anyone jumps up to say how unfair it is to my step-kids, yes it's a bit unfair and sad for them, but I realise that something like this is ALWAYS going to come up, due to the ties I have to my home country. ALL of my family is there, and it is my intention that my kids and I will travel there at least once every year to visit my family, when I can afford it and pay for it. My grandmother sent money as a present for my daughter and we used it to get daughter her passport. She is a baby and it doesn't yet cost much for her to travel on MIL's lap, and MIL is paying whatever it does cost.
My grandmother had a recent health-scare, and I would love for my grandmother, as well as my brother and sister, to meet baby (my parents have visited), and my MIL agrees. DH also has only one grandparent remaining (grandmother) in our home country, and she would like to meet the baby too. I am quite pregnant and unable to travel, DH cannot get time off work to go, and we simply can't afford the trip anyway, so MIL has willingly agreed to make this trip with my daughter. My in-laws and my parents have been friends since I was a baby, so they get along suberbly and are working together to make this trip happen, mainly for the sake of my baby's great-grandmothers.
Anyway, the trip is happening, no question about it. DH and I have just been trying to figure out:
1) how to tell the kids?
2) what to tell them, how much details and explanations?
3) how to deal with the jealousy that will inevitably arise?
4) how to prepare for any repercussions with BM using this as another one of her "you have money for more kids, but never have money for my kids" tirade?
5) (me mainly) how to help DH with his feelings of guilt over never having took his kids there? (because I'm not feeling much guilt, it has always been my intention that my kids will travel and get to know their family back home, no matter what)
One thing to note, we are indeed looking at doing a family trip next year - DH & I and all 4 kids - but nothing is ever for sure, so we don't really want to make any plans and promises.
I fear that this is something that the kids will always hold against DH (and me and our kids) for the rest of their lives, something that they will never be willing to be understanding about... and this is just the beginning...
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Well, vacationing is a HUGE
Well, vacationing is a HUGE issue with me. My DH vacationed every year with his family and that is all they talk about during family get togethers. When we were dating, I specifically said that I wanted to do family vacations- even if it was just for a weekend, or a trip for the day. Something to build family memories. OH Yeah he was on board, but we had just enough money for one trip a year- and DH took his personal (you know the one "I've done this for years and am going to continue" trip). So it was several years before we attempted a family vacation.
Now I take my two kids and go on trips with my mother. don't ask sk's opinion and don't tell. DH is not going.
As for your situation, you could spin it that your family is paying the way and since MIL is here, she volunteered to accompany her on this trip.
I would not say anything at all about the importance of your child meeting the great grandma's, especially since one is shared. I would focus the trip being about your family. Which should help with the jealousy issue.
Good point about the
Good point about the great-grandma being shared, noted!!
I have vacationed alone, and
I have vacationed alone, and have also taken my grown daughter many times. DH is invited, his grown kids are not. I feel that, since I met them as adults, they are not part of MY family. One look at SD24 and my family would flip! (you can tell she's skank 10 miles off!) SS26 would, sooner or later, go bi-polar and tell everyone off, which would not be good. I know they wouldn't fit in and it would be a very stressful trip for all of us. If DH chooses to come along when I go, it's fine. If not, it's fine. He actually takes a "mancation" every year with his buddies. It's not any place I would want to go, and they are pretty scruffy while they are there, so he's welcome to his "man" time! I don't make excuses to anyone if I go alone, or take someone with me. It's MY vacation!
I wouldn't even make it a big
I wouldn't even make it a big deal until the skids bring it up. 'where's's rhe baby?' 'oh, mil took her on her trip to visit my grandma & so&so.' If you guys make it a big deal then it becomes a big deal. If they ask why they couldn't go then explain that an airline ticket for a baby doesn't cost a lot or is free and that a ticket for a kid and grownup is really expensive. Also tell them that is why you and dh aren't going- because you don't have the money to pay for a ticket. Grandma has her money and only has to pay her ticket and she can't buy everyone's ticket. Also, the baby got money from her great-grandma so that is how he baby can go. Explain that you and dh want to take a trip there with all kids but it costs a lot of money & everyone is going to have to help save up for it. Then use it as a learning experience all year- when they whine about not getting something remind them you guys are saving for a trip. If they don't want to go then they don't have to and you will stop saving money for their expenses- up to them. As for bm- let her rant & rave, who cares? If she wants her kids to go then she should be willing to fork over half he expenses atleast, right? Tell her that. Now idk how to help dh not feel guilty. That is something he has to overcome on his own.
This might indeed be the best
This might indeed be the best bet.
Except that Grandma, at one point, was thinking of carrying SD13 too and mentioned it to the kids. Of course SS blew his lid with jealousy. And DH told my MIL that there is no way SD can go without SS because they are so close in age and are old enough now to really appreciate the trip, and I kinda agree with him. But it means they know a possible trip is in the works...
My SS has traveled
My SS has traveled extensively with his mom and I. The SpermIdiot half sibs have not traveled at all. In their case and the case of the entire SpermClan they do not care about travel or traveling much farther than a few hundred miles from SpermLand.
It would not matter to me if it did bother them. We have the resources to travel. They don't. Non issue IMHO.
Well, it's a bit different if
Well, it's a bit different if you look at it from the perspective where the dad of all kids financially supports all the kids. Dad is the one with the resources, so there's really no them and us. In your situation, you may not see the half sibs as your family, but in my case, my step-kids (the half sibs) are 100% a part of my family.
I understand the situations
I understand the situations are different. Even in your situation I don't really think it is a viable consideration that your BioKid is traveling and he Skids are not. Your BK is an infant and the situation is not that she is traveling other than a change in location. SHe is too young to recognize or remember that she is traveling and since it is your family that is reason for her travel the fact that MIL is willing to help really should not be seen as a slight to the Skids. I would not feel guilty about it if I were in your situation on this issue.
In a few years when your BK would remember maybe then it could be considered unfair but for now I don't think you or DH should feel bad about it and can easily explain the situation to the Skids if they take exception to it.
I had the chance to take my wife and son to visit my parents in the Middle East where I grew up shortly before mom and dad retired and returned to the US. Mom and dad gave us the trip as a gift and intended to do the same with my brother and his family the following year. Retirement happened a year earlier than expected and my bro and his family did not get to go. My brother did not take issue that we got to go and he and his family did not. They have taken trips with mom and dad that we did not go on and we took some with mom and dad that bro and family did not take over the years.
Things will balance out in the end.
Hang in there.
All IMHO of course.
i wouldn't feel the least bit
i wouldn't feel the least bit guilty of sending YOUR dd and not skids, if bm wants HER kids to go that bad, SHE and dh will put their heads together to figure a way to finance it OR the skdis will have to wait til they are old enough to fend for themselve's
i take my dd places with dh all the time without skids and i know i don't feel bad.
imo the only reason they are even thinking about it now is because bm is probably jealous that other siblings are going and not HERS.
:sick: