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Posting pics of skids?

Stepmom25's picture

If you all coparent great with BM and are friends with her on Facebook, how do you handle posting pics of the skids? Like do you wait until she does first or ask permission or what? 

Comments

ESMOD's picture

They aren't your kids.  You should not make a point of posting pictures of them on your Fbook page.  If your SO wants to post pics of his kids... that is up to him.

If you want to share some cute pics with his EX and you have a good relationship with her.. send them directly.

Do not post pictures on social media/publicly where it looks like you are trying to present "happy family" with HER kids.

 

ESMOD's picture

I also went back and looked at your other blogs.

I don't think it was really a great idea for you to have gotten yourself a "parent" shirt.  These kids have two perfectly capable and involved parents.  While you may act as a supporting role for your spouse.. you shouldn't be up there in the limelight acting like their mother.  They have one.. they don't need two... and whatever you think about your "coparenting" relationship.. please think about what that word means. CO means between the two of THEM.  Of course you have a say in what happens in your home.. and sure.. you may help your husband with his kids needs.. and you can have a good relationship with them.. but you aren't their parent.  If you and your spouse were to breakup? you aren't getting visitation.. and mom is likely not as ecstatic about you attending these events and playing happy family with kids she carried for 9 plus months.

A shirt in their team "colors".. is fine.. but not a "parent shirt".. and leave the social media posts of these kids to their parents.  If you want to take some pictures for your own memories.. there is zero need to put it out there on social media... none.  

tog redux's picture

My friend's son, who is 18, just got in a kerfuffle with his father and stepmother because he didn't want his stepmother (who he loves) to be on the field for parent night for his soccer team. He respectfully asked that it just be his father (my friend was out of town so not there) and it offended his stepmother, who got angry.  Now, I know this kid well, and he's a good kid, I know he wasn't rude to his stepmother. My friend and her ex generally co-parent well.  His father ended up insisting he apologize to her and it has damaged how he feels about both of them.

I thought this particular stepmother has been actually very good about not trying to parent, or stepping on my friend's toes, and she's accepted my friend's son into her life very lovingly.  But insisting she be there for parent night was over the top and unfair to my friend's son.

We aren't their parents, period. No matter how much a stepmother/father does for their skid, they aren't a parent in the kid's eyes, at least much of the time.

futurobrillante99's picture

All of the above!

As a stepparent, you cannot demand parent status. You may be ASKED to parent by the actual parent, and, in rare cases, some stepchildren come to view their stepparent as an actual parent. In some very rare cases, like Rags, a stepchild will ask to be adopted by their stepparent.

However, you can never demand.

tog redux's picture

Exactly. And this is a situation where he loves his stepmother - he just doesn't see her as a parent.

Stepmom25's picture

Yes I understand what you are saying. BM actually told me about the parent shirts so I gave her money to give to SD's coach. Do you think posting a vacation pic with DH, skids and myself is different than me posing with my skids?

lieutenant_dad's picture

I just post them because I really don't care about ET's reaction to my social media posts. If she wants to get her panties in a twist, I'm happy to lay out to her, point by point, where she has failed as a mother and should focus more on that than whether the woman helping raise her kids happens to post photos of them on Facebook.

BUT, I'm also dealing with a completely dysfunctional MOTY type who left a wake of disaster as she has flounced off to do her own thing for the 48 millionth time without thinking how it impacts her kids. Her opinion of me means nothing, and she and DH do not co-parent.

I'll say it again: if social media has you agonizing this much, then you either need to dump social media or be okay with whatever the fallout is for posting photos. Or don't post them. Literally 3 options here, and there is ZERO way of knowing how BM will actually react. Even if you ask permission, what she says versus how she actually acts may be entirely different.

ESMOD's picture

It seems this poster's situation is different.. ostensibly she has a "good relationship" with her SO's EX.  No words about mom being a waste case of a mother either.

I think if there are two capable and involved parents.. that the step-parents don't need to wade in and overly insert themselves in a parental role.  I'm not even a mother.. and I would be pretty pissed if my Ex's new wife was posting pictures of herself with my kids playing happy family roles.  Even if I appreciated that she was nice to my kids.. I would rankle at a public "marking of territory" that it would mean for her to post a picture like that.. and I don't mean some random.. vacation pic where the kids happen to be in a picture...but a staged posture of her acting as their mom.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Oh, I've posted multiple times on this OP's various posts about this subject and understand we have very different situations. When I got along with ET and she was making an effort to be a good mom, I wouldn't have posted anything. Peace is a fragile thing.

But, that part doesn't seem to matter. What I'm gathering from this OP is that she's wanting people to tell her that it's fine to do this, just so long as she does it a specific way. Problem is, that magical way to do it doesn't exist. Every situation is different, even among good co-parenting arrangements where SPs are seen in the same light as BPs. The safest bet is to not post the photos. If she wants to post them, she has to deal with whatever consequences come from that, be it none or ruining the co-parenting relationship with BM. None of us can tell her what reaction she'll receive or what course of action is best because it's a crapshoot no matter what if she decides to do it.

Or, at least that's how I see it and maybe someone else has that magical option. If they do, I need to pay them for SP classes.

Jcksjj's picture

This is one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't things for stepparents. If you post pics, some interpret it as overstepping boundaries. If you don't, you're excluding the skids. 

I personally don't post pics of SD at all because I don't want to, but what I've seen the most for other steps is that it's mainly pics of their own kids and the skids show up in pics here and there when it makes sense for them to.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

But my social media is locked up tight.  I'm not even friends with my own family and I don't post under my usual name.  The chances of BM finding anything I post is vanishingly small.

If you do share social media with BM and also have an overlapping social network, I would hold off on posting anything because you will most likely annoy her.

ndc's picture

I occasionally post pictures of my SDs on my FB. I don't clear it with BM first (my DH is fine with me posting pics of his kids), nor do I hold them out to be my kids. 

I would never post pictures of the skids from an event where BM was present.  If it's the school concert and BM is there, she'll post pictures and they're her kids so there's no reason for me to post.  DH will, but I don't.  OTOH, if it's an Easter egg hunt in our backyard,  I do not hesitate to post, because it's MY event. 

We have an amicable relationship with BM and she has never objected to me posting pictures that include her kids.

Edited to add: BM has a stepson who she regularly includes in her social media posts, so I can't imagine she would take issue with my FB photos.  The Golden Goose and his ex have a very acrimonious relationship, too.

justmakingthebest's picture

I post away! I really don't care what BM thinks. 

I don't make it a point to ask DH about posting anything either. We are a family and we share pictures. Most of DH's family is long distance, I have a lot of family around the country, with my mom battling cancer- I share pictures of my family. Those that we love appreciate it! For some it is all they have seen of SS in years. 

skell76's picture

and I have BM and anyone related or related to her boyfriend blocked. 

Not that I care that she sees photos of us and our family activities but she takes photos and tries to use them and give a version of what she thinks is happening and uses them in court. ie: a photo of a family vacation with my girls on 4th of July and DH is half blinking due to bright flash and said he was stoned and wasted and can't be trusted (we don't drink or do drugs and we didn't even have SD) so after the last trial I locked things down. Although she did sound aburd that she used that as evidence

 

advice.only2's picture

If you guys have a good relationship why not just talk to BM about it.

advice.only2's picture

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Dogmom1321's picture

I agree with the above! I 100% think that a lot of what BMs do to SMs is totally hypocritical though.

For example, our BM say to "stay in your lane" when it comes to the fun stuff with the step kids. However, last week BM was APPALLED that I didn't volunteer my car & gas to exchange SD10 when DH was unavailable. This was also a last minute request on her part. But the fact that she EXPECTED me to jump through hoops was ridiculous. 

DH even pointed her out on her BS. "You've said for YEARS this is between you and I, not ____. Why are you expecting _____  to use her car and gas to go exchange SD with you? So leave her out of it!"

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

She and I are Instagram friends. We like each other's photos of the kids. The only thing that weirded me out was when I was at work and left my dd16 babysitting Dd6 (for money) and there was Dd6 on their stepmoms page. She isn't Dd6's stepmom. Dd6 has a different father. I didn't even know she had taken her somewhere. 
 

I had/have North Korea blocked from all my social media but I had a fb memory pop up a few days ago from ten years ago of my littles and the stepkids with them as littles with the Easter bunny. We were a family at one time and did family things together and I documented it back then.  I sent it Sd21. 

Floral_SM's picture

These days I leave it up to DH to post the skids. I deleted FB and only have Instagram, and I post my floral work and my baby. I didn't even post our wedding pics with the skids, but then again I'm a private person. I honestly don't have this issue because DH naturally posts about his kids and just tags me in them. I think if I wanted to post, it wouldn't be BM I would be thinking of (Toxic BM is blocked and not maternal anyway) but my hubby. Out of respect to him I leave him to post about his kids.