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Please give me advice.

Stepmom25's picture

Okay so tball and coach pitch are starting. Both SS and SD‘s team are having parent shirts made. My DH will not be at tne games because of work so he is not getting one. SS will be in tball and SD will be in coach pitch. I was wanting to get a picture of the back of our shirts (me and SD) and me and SS), but both will be at BMs house before game so I won’t have time to take any before. We all coparent great but I don’t want to get over the top taking that pic and posting it without BM taking some sort of pic with her kids first if that makes sense. Should I just take a pic of me with my shirt(s) and leave it at that?

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Findthemiddle's picture

hi:  I don’t know anything about the T-shirt etiquette in this situation.  However, if you have some friends in the parent group I would reach out and ask.  I don’t know....for some reason, despite your good intentions, I can see this scenario causing some blow back- especially since your husband won’t be at the games?  Is the mom going to be wearing the same kind of shirt?  Do stepparents wear these shirts?  What does your husband think?  Can you go to first games and get the lay of the land?  As I mentioned, I have little knowledge about this - but my gut says you should maybe ask around and see what the custom is for these groups.  Good luck! 

Stepmom25's picture

BM will have on the same shirt as me. I didn't think about that scenario. It might make him feel bad because he can't be there if I post the picture. I mainly wanted a pic of the back of our shirts, but I never really thought about making him feel bad. It would be like me bragging in some way? 

Findthemiddle's picture

I wasn’t really thinking about your husband getting offended — more the BM.   I could be wrong - but like the comment below- I am worried the BM might misinterpret your support as an infringement on her turf so that’s why I was thinking you ask your husband what he thinks and maybe other parents. I would probably just wear the team colors or something and not the mom shirt especially since she’ll be wearing one.  But you and your husband know BM better than I do.  I totally get that you are coming from a good place - but sometimes small things like this can cause unintended offense.  Being a stepmom is not easy- I find its better to proceed slowly into situations. 

Stepmom25's picture

Yeah I totally understand where you're coming from. She knows I am getting a parent shirt also. It's going to have my nickname on it. Do you think taking those pictures could be offensive to the mom? 

lieutenant_dad's picture

If you're at a point where you need to ask a forum about this, then you should probably not do it. I don't mean to sound snarky with that, but we're talking about pictures with young kids playing in recreational ball. There shouldn't be this kind of logistics questioning for something this mundane and likely, overall, unimportant.

If you want to take pictures with the kids, either own up that you want them and take them when you can (consequences be damned), or find another way that photos can be taken that feels less abrasive. Get a group photo with them without the "Mom" shirt. The reality is, the kids are not going to care that you're not wearing the "Mom" shirt, but BM might get offended and hold a grudge if you approach this wrong. 

Stepmom25's picture

It will have my nickname on it actually. What consequences do you think would happen? If I wanted a pic of the back of our shirts (me and SS and me and SD), even if it has my nickname on it, do you think it would be offensive to BM, no matter how good of friends we are? 

lieutenant_dad's picture

It could be offensive to her. It could not be offensive to her. She may not realize she's hurt or offended until those feelings come out. 

The consequence could be anything from her being colder to you in your relationship with her to her going completely insane and keeping the kids away from their father as punishment.

What you need to do is figure out WHY you think this was problematic enough to ask if there is a reason to be concerned, because there is likely something telling you - consciously or subconsciously - that this might be a bad idea. I don't know whether it's your own anxiety or having internalized some of the jaded views of folks on here, or if it's a legitimate concern that you'll hurt BM and have to deal with whatever the fallout of that will be. Figure out the why of asking, make note of the pros and cons of doing what you want to do, and decide if the cons are worth the pros.

Would I do this, even with a good relationship with BM? Hard to say. I'm not one to want to poke the bear, but I also don't really care what the BM in my life thinks anymore. For me, the photos wouldn't be worth potentially upsetting her. But, if the photos were important to me, I don't know that I'd care about her throwing a temper tantrum about it, either. If I thought she'd make life difficult for the boys or DH, I'd avoid doing it just because pictures aren't worth it for them to get crapped on by crazy.

tog redux's picture

I guess I don't know what parent shirts are,  but if they say "mom", then don't do it.