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Financial abuse continues

Stepmom2345's picture
  • I was just going through my Very Important Papers & came across one I forgot abt that is another example of #financialabuse continuing even after leaving the abuser. In 2010, my ex (he wasn’t at that time) and I went to court to get child support & other details worked out

True he wasn’t her ex yet, but she was already living with someone.  Other details worked out?? Yeah like the divorce. 

  • There had been no court order before that and he was paying me just enough to cover my car payment (the exact amt; because his name was on it) He had full-time employment w/ benefits and free full-time care for the kids (his parents)

My understanding is that he was paying for a lot more than the car payment.  He did have full-time care for the kids… at this point they had verbally agreed to 50/50 custody and on his days he needed someone to watch the kids while he went to work.  She didn’t need full time care for the kids because she was not working. The kids were 1,3, 5, & 8.  

  • I had spent the last year after leaving struggling to find employment that I could support 4 kids with. I left in 2009, during the economic crisis when no one was hiring & I hadn’t worked full-time out of the home in 9 years. 

She had spent the last year after leaving struggling to find employment???? She  left in July of 2019.  What year???  I’m not sure what kind of employment she was looking for.  Now She does have a teaching degree has only worked as a teacher for about 2 years her entire life.  At this point she was living with her parents.  But poor thing she couldn’t find a job. 

  • So, back to where I started this: we went to court that day and he agreed to the child support amt. This was in Maryland and we were all leaving Maryland shortly after - him to TN, me to AL with the kids. He made the support payment once and didn’t pay the full amount again

My understanding is that there was no order prior to the order in AL.  My understating is that while in MD they made a verbal agreement about custody and CS.  Can’t comment to much on this one since I don’t know the details.

  • He was able to get away with this because the order was in a different state from any of us and no one knew how to enforce it. A year later, almost to the day, I got a notice that the support amount had been lowered. This was odd, because I never received a court notice

Again not sure about any CO in MD.  Now I do know about a CO in AL and he did want it adjusted to show her income.  She for the last part of her marriage had claimed she had a card business but instead of the business bringing in money he was constantly having to give her money because she would bounce her checks for the “business”.  She claims she got a notice that the support amount had been lowered.  What happened is that this whole time she was supposed to submit her part of her earnings.  She did not provide earnings and didn’t show up for court either.  The court was about to hold her in contempt of court because she would not provide any earnings or show up to court the amount was lowered. 

  • The support had been *halved*! When I looked over the sheet today I was angry all over again and felt the affects of his lies and abuse all over again.

If it was halved it that means that prior to that he was paying almost 45% of his check for CS….. well good thing it was halved… I think paying 45% of your check for child support is just not fair.  Especially when the custodial parent refuses to work.   

  • I have no idea how, but he was somehow allowed to sit in that courtroom without me present and claim that I was making $1200 more per month than him at a time I was clawing my way to make more than minimum wage and he was employed full-time in his field. And they allowed it.

$1200 more than him per month???? I mean the way that AL does their child support my DH would be paying close to nothing if he put down she made more money.  She was clawing to make more than minimum wage???? Let me quote from what she just said earlier…. “I left in 2009, during the economic crisis when no one was hiring & I hadn’t worked full-time out of the home in 9 years.”  Wait I thought she couldn’t find work. But now she’s clawing to make more than minimum wage…. Well which is it??

  • I have no idea how that happened & if I didn’t have the paperwork right here in front of me right now I wouldn’t believe it had happened myself. He lied to get out of paying support for our kids because it was a way for him to still manipulate me financially

I don’t know what child support he supposedly got out of because he has always paid his CS, it was taken out of his paychecks.  We have had the kids for 1 year… but have not received not one cent.

  • He knew I had never in my life made what he claimed I was making. And because I didn’t have the money to fight it, there was nothing I could do about the lies he made in court. So he got away with it. I’m sitting here looking this over and I feel it all over again.

Yes he knew she didn’t work.  The whole time they were married she worked probably a total of 6 months.  She didn’t have the money to fight it but her parents did and her new live in boyfriend, my understanding is that they paid for an attorney.  I’m still at a loss as to what he got away with he was paying he’s CS.

  • The weight and pain of the manipulation and control. It didn’t stop when I left & it still hasn’t because he owes 10s of thousands of dollars in back child support that I (and Randy) had to juggle and struggle to cover

Yes if you look at the receipts we get every month from the AL child support it shows he owes about 20,000…. But this is because since the kids moved in with us for some weird reason the CS is no longer being deducted from his paychecks.  But each month it grows by how much should have been deducted.  We don’t know why it stopped.  We really don’t.  So yes this is child support that was supposed to have been taken out since Jan 2018 but hasn’t been, why we don’t know.  But the kids have been living with us sine Dec. 2017 so yeah I’m glad it hasn’t been been taken out, they don’t live with her so she shouldn’t be receiving CS.  We have an attorney working on this and hopefully the 20,000 that he supposedly owes will be reversed. Fingers crossed. 

  • ...because child support enforcement is painfully slow & when the plaintiff lives out of state it is very easy for them to elude. He had a court order to have it automatically withdrawn from his paycheck. Didn’t matter.

Living out of state has never stopped them from taking CS out of his paychecks, like I said previously it only stopped after the kids moved in not sure why but it is still accumulating every month when we receive the receipts.

  • He changed jobs enough to get out of paying it for months at a time. He told me, from the beginning of our marriage: “You doesn’t get to tell me how to spend my money”

Changed jobs?  Yes when she decided she no longer wanted to be married to him and moved in with her parents in MD (DH moved to MD to be close to the kids) and then 10 months later moved in with her boyfriend to AL (DH moved back to TN to be close to the kids).  The CS wasn’t even in place at this time, they were still married.  It was just a verbal agreement. 

  • My income went into the account to pay bills w/ so anything left he claimed as his since he made more. $$ was his control from the beginning. (why I stayed as long as I did is a story for another time, but it’s the normal story of an abused person...)

Her income??? Where did this income come from????? Anything left he claimed as his???? I think she stayed this long because she hadn’t found her next victim.  Women like her don’t leave a sure thing without having the next sure thing already lined up.  It wasn’t the right time. 

  • I’m not even sure how to wrap this up right now because all these memories of the last 22 years are staring me in the face because of that court paper filled with lies and the situation still isn’t closed and may never have closure. But I’m working on it and I keep swimming

Memories from the last 22 years? What’s wrong buttercup your current husband doesn’t work????  Aww and from what the kids say he drinks vodka all day long.  And the only income you had coming into the household was the CS and since the kids moved in with us the CS has stopped???? and you no longer have an income and instead of getting a job you decide you want to go digging in garbage cans or go to garage sales or state sales and resell everything on ebay and hope that one day you find that one item that will make you rich????? I mean finding a job would just be too easy.   

Comments

Monkeysee's picture

I think you’re giving BM far too much space in your head. I empathize, I genuinely do. Our BM has delusional ideas of how ‘hard’ she had it when her & DH divorced, and how ‘hard’ she has it now, despite having everything handed to her on a silver platter. 

You’ve got the added pressure of having the kids with you 24/7 as well, so I understand how hard it must be for you. At the same time, I think you’re making things harder for yourself by giving her so much of your energy & attention. Which I also get, because when DH & I met I used to do the same thing.

Vent as much as you need, but I hope you’re also taking care of YOU, so that someday you get to a point where her sad little posts just make you laugh & feel sorry for her. Some women just can’t be helped.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, OP - you've got to let this go.  It brings a lot of peace to accept that this kind of person just lives in their own reality and nothing you say or do will change that.  Underneath, they are generally miserable people who feel the world has victimized them over and over and they had no part in creating the situation they are in.

Don't give her so much space in your head rent-free.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

I agree with the other posters.  You've got to let this go.  You are giving BM way too much power.  Why get all upset over something  a delusional BM thinks?

Also, just stating the obvious, if your DH has a CS order in place and the money is not being taken out, then he is legitimately in the arrears.  He should have filed to have CS ended when the kids moved in or he should have tried to fix whatever error is causing him not to pay.  This will come back to bite him later, as the arrears continue to grow.