How long after new baby do you have Step over for visits?
I would like some feedback from those who have been in the situation or what you would suggest doing. I want to be fair to SD and not exclude her but I also want to give myself and SO some grace to adjust.
DD #2 is due the end of Nov. We have a DD who will be 14 mo at that time and is very active! We have SD8 EOWE. Her weekend would be less than a week after due date.
I know at 8 yo most would assume she’d be “helpful” with DD1. However, she’s not helpful with her now and I don’t expect that to change in a month. She plays with her when it’s for show. Obviously I don’t expect her to be a babysitter but even my niece, who is 9 is “helpful” as far as, “Hey I’m going to run to the bathroom, can you keep an eye on her” type of situations.
She’s also not independent at all (we’re working on it). She can’t shower without help of picking out clothes and putting a towel mat down, getting a towel by herself. She struggles to brush her own hair. She can’t pour herself a bowl of cereal or even a glass of water by herself. She also needs constant engagement and to be entertained. (If it wasn’t for these issues I wouldn’t think twice about having her for regular visitation schedule).
So my issue is, my SO and I will be adjusting to our new normal. I’ll be recovering from giving birth and I plan to mainly do everything for the new baby while he does mainly everything for our 1 yo as well as regular household things. My SO only gets 1 week off from work, which includes the hospital stay. Once he goes back to work, he works long hours M-F, but has weekends off.
So basically I’m worried that if we get SD right away with no time to adjust, he’ll be stretched even more thin as both DD and SD require a lot of attention, which then leaves me to pick up the slack, while I also will be exhausted.
Is wrong of me to assume we should skip the first visit, which is within a week of the due date to give ourselves some time to adjust?
When my DD was born, we had SD meet her at the hospital, where she stayed for hours, which was kind of irritating as I expected it to be a half an hour meet and great, rather than a whole day of SO entertaining her. With COVID, there are no visitors allowed.
Then she came for her regular visit, which happened to be 2 weeks after we got home and I was 100% fine with following through with regular visitation schedule as I felt that was adequate time to be alone, just us 3. However, for the next 5 months, her EOWE visits consisted of SO basically ignoring DD and I. They would sleep together in the living room and stay up late and sleep in all day. Once they’d finally wake up, they pretty much got ready for the day and went off to go do activities outside of the house, all day. I felt alone, doing all the parenting for DD, every visit, which caused some resentment and many fights that followed. I finally put my foot down and got through to SO that this wouldn’t be tolerated any longer. I explained that when DD was old enough, she’d understand that when it’s SD weekend, she gets put on the back burner and will feel hurt.
So now I’m wanting some adjustment period time but I’m not sure if it’s caused by my old feelings of resentment/worried about SO not being able to juggle it all and leaving me to deal with extra that he should be doing.
Thanks for reading this long post and any feedback given is appreciated.
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My SD met my DD after a week
My SD met my DD after a week and only stayed for the day not the whole weekend.
That's a good idea!
That's a good idea!
I had my baby late last year.
I had my baby late last year. We have a 5/5/2/2 schedule, and I was in labor for the entirety of one of our "2s." BM kindly took the skids for those days, and she then had them for the next 5 (her regular days) as well. So DD was 5 days old, and we'd been home for 4 days, before we had the skids again. BM did bring them to our house to meet the baby on the day we got home (they stayed less than an hour), and they came over once during BM's weekend because MIL came to visit from out of state and wanted to see them, but they didn't stay overnight and MIL handled them.
DH was back to work and MIL was gone (thank god) when skids came back for their next regular days, and it was fine. There was a transition time because I had to figure out how to get them ready for school and out to the bus stop with a newborn, but we figured it out. I had some BIG differences from your situation, though. First, DD is my first, so I wasn't dealing with another little one. Second, my skids (then 4 and 7) are fairly competent. They can entertain each other, they can get themselves ready for the day without much assistance, and OSD could provide a little bit of help with the baby (fetching diapers, keeping an eye on her while I was in the bathroom and the like). They were also at school all day for our first couple days. Would I have preferred that they not be there? Of course! But they didn't monopolize DH when he was home and he handled them except in the mornings when he was already gone for work before they woke up. Most important, except for my miserably long labor, DD's birth was easy and I bounced back right away.
It seems to me that your problem is as much your DH as anything. He has allowed SD to monopolize him and to not be as independent and helpful as an 8 year old should be. If her regularly scheduled weekend comes within a week or so of when your baby is born, I would try to delay her visit to give yourselves time to adjust, but if he insists on her coming for her regular visit, make it clear to him what your expectations of him are, and remind him of that as often as necessary to make sure you and your kids get the help and attention you need. I would also let him know ahead of time that if you have any complications or if things are not going smoothly at home, you would prefer he skip a visit to focus on you and the baby.
I do realize that a lot of
I do realize that a lot of the issues I have with SD are due to lack of parenting by both her parents. They infantilize her. I also feel she should be more independent and more helpful. I compare her to my niece, who's a year older, when I try to explain to SO things she should be capable of based on her age.
Thanks for your advice on how to explain to SO the need for an adjustment period and if he insists on not then that's his choice to take on more of a workload. I will explain that means getting up early/staying up late to get what needs to be done, done. If it's not working then we'll have to skip the next visitation.
I'm just dreading the thought/possibility of having the weekend taken up my SD to be followed by waking up early on Mon to care for both babies and a mess of a home.
Also, thanks for your comment! It's refreshing to not feel guilty about wanting a little break and that even your 7 year old SD was help when mine can't do any of that for me... eye opening even more.
If he has a week off for
If he has a week off for paternity leave it is for the sole purpose of bonding and helping with the new baby, NOT for fun time with his other daughter. Missing one visit isn't going to cause the sky to fall ...
Agreed!
Agreed!
It may not end up falling in
It may not end up falling in place exactly with visitation.. so I guess I would do the planning with a grain of salt. Also.. depending on what happens during delivery.. you may need a C-section.. there could be other situations too.. that might make the visitation not a posibility at all.. you could still be in the hospital or recovering from surgery at home.
However, if things do go "as planned".. I think it might be reasonable for your husband to do a briefer version of visitation.. perhaps he gets her for the morning or afternoon on saturday or sunday to visit plus have a chance to introduce her to the new baby. I don't think it will be the end of the world for him to share some time with you and your other kids with his daughter for a few hours on one weekend. This is assuming that the birth was "normal and you have had a chance to catch your breath so to speak after the birth"... so if it is a week later.. and you are home and doing well then her coming for a few hours isn't going to be the end of the world. It would be like the hospital visit.. but perhaps only an hour or so at your home.. your husband could then take her out for a quick snack (with your other child in tow).. and you could rest at home with the baby for the hour or couple of hours that meal and drop off to mom's takes...
It would help her not feel pushed aside by the new baby.. by not totally skipping the weekend
I am planning to "wing it"
I am planning to "wing it" since babies rarely come on their due date! However I do want to have an idea of how visitation should play out afterwards because for me, having some sort of plan makes it one less thing to stress about!
I like the idea of having her meet the new baby and stay for a short time. That's a good idea I'll bring up to SO. Like I said, I don't want to cause her to pushed aside but I also don't want things to go like they did last baby. Thanks!
No offence intended, OP, but
No offence intended, OP, but ... does SD have special needs of some sort? I can't get over how helpless she is.
Thanks for validating my
Thanks for validating my feelings because I CANT GET OVER IT either. It's caused a lot of fights between my SO and I. When I was pregnant with my first I madeee her learn to open the car door/buckle her own seatbelt and made sure SO was not doing it for her when I wasn't around... she was SEVEN then.
OK, I asked because one of my
OK, I asked because one of my daughters has Down syndrome and was doing all of those things and more before she was 5 (belt buckle at age 3) - just to give you a little perspective. And my daughter is a fairly average specimen.
:)
How do things go at school?
How do things go at school? Do they feel she's a bit behind or is it possible that what happens at your place is just a show to get attention?
She's very behind in school.
She's very behind in school. I've suggested to SO she should be tested for a learning disability because it's more than being a "little behind". I worked in a school setting for years and even my mom who is a 2nd grade teacher, suggested she be tested last year.
She isn't doing it for show because she's the same at her moms. They open the car door, buckle her in. I've asked if her mom brushes her hair, she says yes. I will say it's extremely long and thick but not curly so I don't understand the difficulty beyond her "arms getting soo tired". We only have her 4x a month. I think her mom does everything for her because it's "less work" than actually teaching your child life skills.
Definitely in need of an
Definitely in need of an evaluation that she'll probably never get... That's such a shame. The sooner a child gets appropriate help the better. Doesn't your husband realize that he is actually teaching her to be helpless?
Sounds like her hair problem could be solved by cutting her hair, and it wouldn't even have to be particularly short.
Unfortunately, she probably
Unfortunately, she probably won't get assessed in time for it to help her.
She's in 3rd grade now and it looks like we'll be doing distance learning for at least the better half of the year. When she goes back I'm sure her being behind will be chalked up to the fact that she had a long term sub in 2nd grade (due to teachers maternity leave) and the shit show that distance learning was after March as well as spending this year doing distance learning. So hopefully in 4th/5th grade it will be addressed because I'm not sure how getting on an IEP or going to SPED for extra help works in the middle school setting.
Her father basically follows SD lead in what she is able to do like what she expects him to do for her. I've explained it's better to let your kid struggle to learn how to be independent before offering up help but it's like second nature where he just does things w/o realizing it.
Lol and her hair... obviously as a SM, I am not in a position to make such a choice. I don't understand why BM insists on keeping it long when she does nothing more than a ponytail in her hair or often leaves it down, which I have an issue with young kids not having their hair pulled back so it's time consuming to style it for sure.
She'll change her mind when
She'll change her mind when SD gets lice for the first time ...
And no offense taken, you
And no offense taken, you would think she was with how little of independence she has, however she is not mentally delayed.