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BMs powertrip!

Stepmama2321's picture

My bf has been trying to step up in his parenting role to my SD lately. It's our daughters 1st birthday this weekend and although it is not his normal weekend to have SD (we're on an EOWe schedule), BM agreed to allow her over. My bf has Friday off of work, which is not his typical schedule. He asked to have SD Thursday evening when he got off of work through the weekend. He asked with plenty of time. The reason being is because obviously he wants more time with her as well as it was an opportunity to participate in seeing her and helping SD with her Zoom meetings. This is a father who's never had the chance to wake his child up to get ready for school, drop her off for her first day, pick her up in the last day of school. I mean just no things that parents get to do for and with their child that they take for granted. Something so little as being able to see what the zoom is all about and what she does, how she interacts with her peers. We talked about it before and were curious, is she shy with her classmates or is she the kid to talk a lot. He was looking forward to it. Something soooo little and insignificant meant a great deal to him. Only for BM to finallllllly respond and say nope you can get on Friday when she's done with school. She didn't give any reason as to why! BM is at work while SD is in "school" so her aunt watches her. So what was the big deal if she came over? No reason just being a control freak! Ugh


Rumplestiltskin's picture

The reason i ask is that if your bf is on an eowe schedule and pays child support, be careful of opening the can of worms of keeping her extra. My SO was on 50/50 and still paying his BM $1000 a month. He missed the kids so would always offer to keep them extra. 3 years later, the kids are with him for some portion of every day. BM uses his house as her no-questions asked anytime drop in care. She drops in all the time, no warning. He is still paying her and there is no rest and we never know when the kids or BM will be at the house.

Now, i came along and made him make changes. But now i'm the bad guy and he is taking BM back to court to stop paying her for a chikd she hasn't kept in years (but she does keep the other one now.) Your situation may not devolve to that but it's a cautionary tale. 

Stepmama2321's picture

Thanks for the words of wisdom. This is just a rare case as we don't typically stray from the schedule. I enjoy the weekends with SD but I also look forward to the ones that it's just us. It's kind of my opportunity to get stuff done, errends, school work, house chores, while I have bf to fully help out! 

Stepmama2321's picture

Yes there is. It's EOWe and this is not our weekend. Sooo she is "giving" him an extra weekend that's not court ordered because it's her little sisters birthday. But this BM usually has SD at grandmas on weekends she's not with us so that BM can go party. And when she isn't at grandmas on the weekends she's in her room alone. This isn't a mom who enjoys spending quality time with her children 

ESMOD's picture

I know it's frustrating and while it might seem "easy" to have her do her schoolwork with dad.. She probably has all of her stuff set up where she is...course material.. computer logins etc...  

Sure, I'm sure part of it is control because she doesn't want dad involved as much in the schooling.. maybe she doesn't think he would keep her on task.. while she trusts the aunt.. who knows.

Kids do a bit better with the same routine.. so for school BM may be reluctant to change that... 

Stepmama2321's picture

I never considered that may be her reason behind it. However, I just had my niece stay the night who's in 4th grade  and she just put her laptop and supplies in her backpack. It wasn't that big of a hassle. My SD is in 3rd grade, can't imagine it'd be such an inconvenience. 

Picardy III's picture

Did your BF explain to BM that he wanted to help SD with her Zoom classes on Friday? If not, she may have just thought he wanted a longer weekend with her, and wasn't considering school.

I'd understand her hesitation: she may think you don't have a workstation set up, don't know the rhythm of her school schedule, etc. A little controlling maybe, but not necessarily a power play.


notarelative's picture

We talked about it before and were curious, is she shy with her classmates or is she the kid to talk a lot

I think you have unrealistic expectations of of what happens in online school. In many cases the kids are all on mute unless it is their turn to talk. There may be no time for chit chit between kids unless they are in a breakout room. 

Each district/ school uses different platforms and apps so it is hard to generalize. But, online school may involve more than moving the computer. Some schools are also using paper workbooks. The students do the work on paper and the parent takes a photo and sends it to the teacher. There may be multiple web programs used for independent work. There may be books for reading that would need to be moved also. 

Most likely there is a schedule the school follows. Students do better with consistency. The consistency can be every day in the same place. The consistency can be every other week with a parent. But a random day at dad's is not consistency. And if I were the aunt I would not want to spend the time to write out the schedule and login instructions for dad for a rare day. 

Yes, dad is not going to get to observe school. But, in normal times he would not be at school with her either. BM has given him an extra weekend. SD will be with her sister for the birthday. Take that as a win.


Stepmama2321's picture

Yea taking it as a win I guess. But I have witnessed multiple zoom meetings and you do get to see the children's personalities. My mom is a 2nd grade teacher, my niece was just over doing hers, she's a 4th grader, and SD is a 3rd grader. You pack the laptop and whiteboard into a backpack and call it good. It's not that much work or change lol. 

1dad4kids's picture

This was our BM. She refused to let DH pick SS10 up from school or daycare. Homework was rarely done at our place unless there was literally no other time for him to do it. She needed that control, she needed to be the only one who knows what's going on. 

SS10 did his schooling here every Monday during the end of the last year. Honestly anyone could do it as long as you have a zoom capable device. (SS10 has a tablet purchased for school but BM is such a control freak that she left the parental restrictions on it so high that SS10 literally cannot use it). In our case SS10 has a computer in his room and we have a family media pad and lap top. Plus 2 wifi capable smart phones. There was more than enough. Still, BM used the excuse that it was the school year to deny increasing DH's access to the summer schedule. 

DH has been picking SS10 up from school and dropping him off eowe since his first pretrial nearly 4 years ago. The judge basically looked at BM and said "why the heck can't he pick him up from school?" And she had no answer. That little bit of extra time has made a big difference. Plus SS10 can't hide his homework anymore and DH gets to pack his lunches and all those things that most parents take for granted he finally gets to enjoy. 

Maybe your bf could try to increase his time to include school pick up and drop off. 

Stepmama2321's picture

Unfortunately his work schedule wouldn't allow for pickups so this was kind of a once in a blue moon situation. And she's in 3rd grade so a different scenery wasn't going to devastate her schedule. Specially when BM doesn't do any kind of consistency. She just wants to not allow her children's fathers to be involved. She's got 3 kids with different daddy's and continues to make her kids call new bf dad. Lol she's crazy!