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Health Insurance Debacle

StepMa2BeeYo's picture

My partner and I decided on health insurance that was best for our arriving newborn and his two kids with his baby moms.  He did ask her opinion earlier on but then decided to go with what was more affordable and staying in the same network that the baby would be born under.  We chose to do Kaiser for health insurance,  but she wanted UnitedHealthcare since her kids have had it since birth.  My partner made the change and since she has state insurance his insurance will become the primary.  She’s upset.  It’s been explained to her that affordability as well as the interests of all kids were an important factor.  She doesn’t seem to care and keeps revisiting and demanded that she should’ve been informed (when she was informed).

How in the future should we avoid these issues?

espexially if she didn’t plan on agreeing to the same health insurance. If our financials play a role is she entitled to choosing?  How does that affect our kid together?


beebeel's picture

She doesn't get to decide which insurance policy he buys. He may have avoided this by not asking her opinion in the first place, but probably not. It's impossible to avoid pissing off the ex if she's high conflict. It will always be something.

StepMa2BeeYo's picture

It definitely is always something!

like recently she’s upset how we choose to do her daughters hair since we blow dry it and she likes to air dry. But with it being cold outside he doesn’t think air dry is appropriate and it’s damaging her hair anyways.

with the health insurance, he asked out of courtesy but  knew it would be a conflict area.  He also notified her that he intended to do Kaiser and she must’ve thought that he wouldn’t do it. 

In the past, I feel she’s been calling the shots (he would acquiesce just to avoid conflict) and nowadays he’s doing what’s best for everyone.

SteppedOut's picture

No, she does not get to pick what health insurance you purchase, unless it is stipulated in a court order that she does (which I highly doubt).

TwoOfUs's picture


These BMs can be so entitled. Unreal. 

The nerve to complain about free-to-you healthcare for your kids...

StepMa2BeeYo's picture

She tried to say a switch in policy will affect the kids since they’ve been seeing the doctor since birth.  She was told there would be a lot of changes and she would need to get onboard.

Plantmom's picture

People tend to have several different health insurances through their lives. Some people keep the same job but choose a different plan one year to the next. Having the same insurance since birth is a ridiculous reason. She is just trying to guilt him as if it will be traumatic for the poor children to have different health insurance. She has no problem with him paying a lot more for her conveinence.

My SD's BM would rather my DH pay the highest amount for insurance not because it's good, but because she wants to punish him.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

If your DH is required to carry the health insurance. I don't see why she should have ANY say in what policy he chooses to carry. He's the one paying for it, if it's such a big deal she can alaways put on her big girl panties and get it herself.

It's free to her. As long as the kids are covered, she has no say (unless dictated in the CO of course)

There's no way to avoid drama with HCBMs. They'll b**** about something. Even if there isn't anything real, they'll find something.

STaround's picture

Is there a pediatrician near her?  I assume so, Kaiser is big.  Are any DCs special needs?  If not, I agree pain in the neck, but she will have to deal with it.

In the future,  I would just have DH tell her, financial decision, and leave your kids out of it. 



ESMOD's picture

I honestly don't even think he should really have had to consult with her in advance anyway.. unless there are no network providers in her area.. he should pick the plan that works for him.. and give her the necessary ID cards.. that's it. 

When she complains.. he simply says.  "I'm sorry you don't like the change, but my obligation is to provide insurance for the kids.  I picked the plan that I felt was right for the situation.. and so that is the plan they are covered by. you don't have a choice..

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

The order most likely states dad HAS to provide insurance. It doesn’t say how and through who. As long as he has provided her with the information that is the end of his responsibility. Check your order. SO’s clearly states that if a parent occurs medical expenses that would have been meditated by insurance they are responsible for all the additional cost.

For example in network I have a co pay of 30 and that’s it for most services. If this were the child both parents are responsible for half that copay. If BM refuses to use the insurance or goes in network and say the total bill ends up being 100 then SO owes her 15 and that’s it. She is responsible for the other 85.

StepMa2BeeYo's picture

They don’t have a good CO.

it doesn’t specify anything of that sort.  Which is why we’re returning to court.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Then ignore her. He's gone above and beyond providing a second source of insurance. If she wants to refuse to use it for whatever reason that’s on her but she has absolutely no say over what he provides.

twoviewpoints's picture

The little girl was three and potty training this last summer. So when spouting off about "all their life" and/or"since birth" her rejection of the choice doesn't hold much weight. As long as the children do not have any special needs and have been healthy thriving babies/toddlers, she will adjust just fine.

Sure, it takes a while to shut up and do her research on which pediatrician to select from the network, but if she takes them to one and things don't click, she isn't locked into that same one dr for a year, is she? 

Yeah, don't bother trying to explain or reason with her about how this or that 'works' for your 2b baby.... she cares nothing for the needs nor 'what's best' for your new family when it comes to any child that isn't hers. Dragging her newborn and/or 'what's best' is only going to raise her hackles. 

I assume your partner is mandated in the CO to supply healthcare. Not sure why up until now BM has had the kids on State insurance, if it was Dad's place to have provided insurance, but yes, I can understand her being upset at changes. Not that she gets any say, but unknowns are somethings upsetting and a bit scary until one gets into them and sees things will be ok. 

Send her the information, where she can access online for questions and answers along with her new selection of facilities (clinics, hospitals, drs et) along with choice of pharmacies an adjust she will.

No, you can't avoid upsets and disagreements between the two bio-parents. You involved BM and gave the impression she had some input and say when Dad asked her .... Dad and you set yourself up for the temper tantrum from her that followed. 

StepMa2BeeYo's picture

She had them on state insurance because that’s what she wanted at first. I have NO idea what that’s about.

shes kind of controlling and sometimes has ulterior motives.  I’m not really sure as to why she never let him have them on insurance but this year he decided he would.

& she just kept the conversation going as If there would be another resolution and there isn’t. It’s already done.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

It's about it being affordable. SO's kids are on the state insurance plan because what his work offered was horrible and she only works 32 hours a week.

It's great honestly. Covers everything. We've never gotten a bill from her for even a copay becuase the state covers everything. Now in the case where there is a second insurance state will demand that insurance be considered primary and they will pick up the left over.

Survivingstephell's picture

Putting himself first and the bottom line was just a huge reminder to BM that she is NOT in control anymore and that is more infuriating to her than anything else.  Its all about control.  

CantComplain's picture

If a decision was made that he didn't like, he'd revisit it EVERY. MEETING. He could not process the fact that the decision had been made whether he liked it or not and kept insisting that it should be changed LONG after the rest of us were over the topic. 

As far as I know, there's no way to stop it.