We all eventually come to the conclusion that we MUST TOTALLY DISENGAGE to preserve our sanity and bring out guerilla defense tactics when necessary when the boundaries encroach our own.  Oh, we all start out with aspirations of "helping" disney dad see the failings of his own wet noodle "parenting" but that never works out. 

Daddy dearest simply turns on SM with ye old "you don't like my kid" or "why can't you ever comment on when Damien/Aileen W.does something right?" (which is NEVER due to bioparents competing to see who has the fewest amount of rules and the rose-coloured glasses)  After all, Dadddeeee just wants to RELAX--parenting is HARD WORK!!

Here is the "talking to" scenario after he yells at Damien/Aileen W. to save face in front of SM:

Biodad: (syrupy sweet voice)  "Now Damien/Aileen W, you know I don't like yelling at you so can you please do /don't do [insert request].  If it were just me, I wouldn't mind but MEAN OL' SM gets upset when you do/don't do [insert request]'

Damien/Aileen W: (unconvincingly) "OK Daaddeeee."

Biodad: "Great, now let's all just forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!"

What is the hesitation on the SO for not having consequences? If it costs say $400 to replace the phone and you have shared finances....then how would he react if you were the one spending $400 on nonsense? You have every right to be annoyed. That's not life where you can break a high value item and they just magically reappear. I wish! 

I don't know why I can't just let it go.  <<<< This right here is my issue too.  I think writing/talking about irritating things helps a lot but I still can't let go either sometimes.  Let me know if you find the answer.

OP...I was in the same boat as you. The skid was sleeping on the couch all the time and one day he told me that I needed to be quiet so that I didn't wake him up in the morning when I left for work. I told DH that he needed to deal with his kid so he did. Skid doesn't sleep on the couch anymore because I told my DH if he isn't consistent and lets his kids get away with crap then they will never learn anything. The skids are afraid of me which is fine with me. They are afraid of me for a reason though and that is because they know that they won't get away with crap when I am around. If you don't share finances then just try to disengage and let your DH do what he wants with his kid and then when he is broke you can tell him why. BM bothers me more than the skids!

It seems like cause and effect aka natural consequences would apply to ss in this situation. "Oh gee, your phone is all smashed up. Too bad it's so expensive to replace and you'll have to use it as is." 

it will continue to be "no big deal."  Even though $$$ are flying out the window and SS is being taught that money does in fact grow on trees.

There is nothing sexy about a man who is milque toast to his kids. When you allow them to walk all over you it is a huge turn off. I do not care if SS broke his phone. That is not my concern. But when you reward his carelessness with a new phone before you change your underwear.. well ew. But then I was unaware your son needed 24/7 contact with the world because he needs a kidney transplant and has to be available when a viable kidney is ready. But if going without his phone for a week or so is the worst lesson he ever learns he is getting off likely. Oh and if the phone turns up, I am not signing for it.

I was completely losing my mind. Being so aggravated daily watching the madness unfold. Disengage? Sure, I did. But I still had to sit admist it & see all the chaos, all the yelling, all the madness still. & not only me, but our 2 children as well. I made my decision to move me & our 2 kids out & I have never felt better. I got a part time job, so I am gone on the weekend evenings; on week day evenings, we have been working on my home (I had my own home before SO got together). We haven’t started staying there yet, but just working toward it makes me feel like there a light at the end of the tunnel! I absolutely understand your frustration and the inability to just “let go”. It’s not that easy. Even if you do disengage, your still there watching it all go down, still being aggravated bc your husband refuses to offer consequences and has himself on repeat. I get you. I’ve been there, I’m still there; he would not make a change, therefore I am. 

I've been though it all.  Disengaging is the only way I am still there and happy.  Sure, I have to regularly practice at it (I'm a do-er!) but the more I do it the eaiser it is.  I've got little issue doing this with OSD, but starting to do it with YSD now too...it's much harder but I cannot care more than the parents.  That's my issue at this point.  I just can't.

Today:  Waiting with DH at our transit point, YSD passes up in front of us to wait for her school bus (we cross paths several times a week on our commutes).  DH gets all exited...asks me if he should go say hi to her.  I say exactly this:  "I don't care.  You can decide."  Done. Why is it my decision whether he says hello to his daughter or not?  It's NOT my place!

 Makes it a little better. If DH has so much money. Then a new car.  Like a two seater. So No SK allowed 

I’ve been reading blogs from this site for almost a year and was also a long-term girlfriend. I finally ended things after trying to express my concerns about SD’s wide-range of poor behavior; destructiveness being a big one. She is 12 and in the past 2 months has managed to destroy the carpet (on-going destruction), shatter her cellphone screen for the millionth time and steal from DH. To top it all off she had the nerve to cop attitude with him and talk down to him when he scolded her. No discipline whatsoever. Infact, he’s spending over $1,000 for her on her birthday. I’m just baffled by it all. I too, am a single parent but don’t subscribe to the idea of guilty parenting. My job is to raise my kids to be good people; not appease them. 

I apologize for going on a tangent about my issues. I just want you to know that I completely, completely understand the frustration of this situation and how it starts to breed resentment. Being that we weren’t married, I tried to address the issues beforehand because I didn’t want to go into a marriage knowing I would eventually need to disengage. He wasn’t having it. According to him, his parenting style works just fine despite evidence otherwise. My two cents, ask youself if you can deal with a lifetime of disengagement and if its all worth having a fragmented relationship with future DH. Since you’re not married yet, you can still make a clean break.  Best of luck to you girl!

Perfect description for this phenomenon. No matter what behavior I brought up and examples of said behavior, not one single time did SO admit the behavior was wrong or needed dealt with. Instead, he accused me of talking shit about his kid and having a vendetta against her. How is bringing up examples of things she actually did, talking shit? And a vendetta? I’ve literally never even reprimanded her but now I have a vendetta.

And yes, if there’s a lesson to be learned in a situation where a kid breaks an expensive item AND lies about it. Why not take opportunity of that? Isn’t that a parent’s job? To teach their children? 

Well, luckily for you it sounds like there’s still some measure of hope since the kids aren’t too terribly behaved. Again, it’s just a matter if what you can tolerate.