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Why Does DH think We Must Cater to SS13? Mostly a Vent, but looking for input.

step off already's picture

Two steps forward, two steps back.

I blogged last night about SS wanting to miss one of his weeks with his mother this weekend so he can attend a week of Day Camp. He is now 13 years old and this particular program only runs for one week during the summer and he is scheduled to be at BMs during this week. My three bios who are younger will be attending during a different two week period (the program runs in two week sessions for kids that are 7-12 and it runs twice).

Poor SS was sad to find out that he couldn't go this year. Mind you, last year he pouted about going to the program and was even rewarded the "I secretly like Day Camp" Award because he pouted around for most of the day and then would have some fun. (typical behavior).

DH told SS to ask his mom if he could not go to her house that week. He also realizes that his asking her will cause problems (but DH wants to hear what she'll say) and I suppose we'll hear more tonight after he asks.

But, SS WILL NOT be going to this camp. I assure you. And we WILL be sticking to the schedule for the following reasons:

1) SS's grades have earned him tutoring this summer, not day camp
2) I refuse to pay for any more of SS's "extra" activities. Period. The END! He doesn't appreciate it and pouts, so no more.
3) That camp runs during the M - F that my baby is due. I typically have my babies at term and am induced and would like this to happen while he is at BM's house. DD will be away at camp that particular week and my two boys will be home with me that week. I DO NOT want to be carting SS back and forth to day camp during the week I am due, plus he will be one more "issue" that I will have to deal with.
4) Changing the schedule will lead to undue stress. She may agree to letting him stay (less work for her) but she will expect us to do any extra leg work required to make this happen. She may even request additional time as a make up. The less communication we have with her the better. (DH typically hands me his phone to respond to her text messages as he never knows what's going on and he doesn't deal with her very well while I am short, sweet and to the point).
5)I handle all camp registrations. DH has no idea where to look or what the process is. Camp WILL BE FULL }:) if this ever gets to that point.

Last night, after the discussion with SS at the table about him asking his mom, me bringing up grades, etc. I let DH know when we were alone that changing the schedule was not a good idea and that we already told SS that he needed to "earn" any extras this summer with good grades and that if we were spending any money, it would be for tutoring to get him up to grade level.

DH, "but he's been looking forward to this all year". Seriously? He went last year for the first time, pouted half the time, and now that he found out one of his friends that he idolizes from school is supposed to be there, NOW he wants to go.

Sorry, not going to change the plans that have been in effect for months, just because of SS.

I let DH know that this is SS's first time having the extra time with his mom (two weeks on/off for the summer) and that it will be good for him to realize that when he is with her, that he will miss things that go on in our home, with his friends, and with our family. He thinks life is all roses at BM's since he gets to play video games all day and she takes him to the movies and buys him stupid hats he doesn't need. We should allow him to see what it's like for at least one full summer. Perhaps next year, the visitation can be modified when he is 14 and he may actually WANT that at that point.

DH still didn't agree but he was quiet about it, which meant he was thinking.


step off already's picture

LOl, tell me about it, but...

I will avoid the topic moving forward and me thinks the class will just happen to be full by the time DH and SS get everything worked out with BM.

I guarantee that SS WILL stick to his schedule and go to BM's this summer as previously scheduled for his two weeks on/off.

He WILL miss out on things he enjoys doing.

Ultimately, I am hoping this will help SS as he makes choices moving forward. This year, he has declined to play basketball (his favorite sport), declined to play baseball, HATED doing Karate, and is about to not play football - all to accomodate BM NOT WANTING to take him or him losing time with her.

It's his choice as far as I'm concerned, because, AGAIN, I'm tired of paying for things and him not appreciating them or actively participating in them. He didnt' do any extra curriculars before I was in the picture and as far as I'm concerned, I won't be the one managing them for him moving forward. (other than academics).

I'm taking my boys to a boyscout thing tonight. DH told me to take SS, even though DH has been against SS being in boyscouts forever, but DH wants SS to do everything my kids do -even though SS doesn't want to, doesn't deserve to, nor does he appreciate ME being the one to facilitate it happening.

Nope. Not going to put him in another year long commitment of a program just so that his mom can NOT take him during her time. Not going to pay money and spend my time so that he can tell her that we make him do these things and he doesn't like them anyway and he'd rather be with her.


Sorry, SS - no camp. Go have fun at BM's.

myspoonistoobig's picture

If he was looking forward to it all year, he should have shown so with his grades.

Life sucks. Sometimes you have to work hard to make it suck less.

step off already's picture

Exactly. And he's been told SEVERAL times throughout the year that if his grades were not adequate/ passing, he would not be playing and attending camp all summer, but he'd be in tutoring and finishing up the work he didn't do during the school year.

Life sucks. Agree.

Maybe next school year, he'll take it serious.

Do you know how much work it takes to get an "incomplete" in a class? ya. he got one of those each term in history.

daniellehand74's picture

Woman you are my hero!!! Seriously. You stand your ground and that is AWESOME. TEACH ME!!! The coolest thing is your are absolutely 100% RIGHT! I laughed so hard through your whole story. You are very direct and to the point. I think that's great. Kids kill me. LOL There's always room for patience and logic.