You are here

I moved out.. reached my breaking point and said "I'm gone"

stayedtoolong's picture

After years of abuse at the hands of my DH and step son, I finally did it. I said "done" and in three days packed up an entire 4 bedroom house (what was mine that is - which was the majority of things), found a place for my daughter and I, got all my utilities lined up, arranged movers for the big stuff and left.

Let me clarify - the abuse wasn't physical - YET. It was verbal, emotional and mental.

My DH justified and made excuses for my 13 Y/O step son like no other. The kid was an angry, hateful, mean, lying, manipulative, entitled little asshole who had no respect for anyone or anything on this earth. He treated me and my child like dog shit daily, caused conflict with everyone in the house (including the dog) and in my mind was a narcissist sociopath on his way to prison later in life (or sooner).

Every thing the kid did and how he reacted to me was "my fault" - he'd leave shit around the house, make the dog go apeshit when I'm on the phone with a client, annoy the hell out of the other kids in the house, break rules and it was my fault he got belligerent.. because he hated me and viewed my calling it out as "picking on him".. He'd only be pleasant to me when it benefitted him - like if I made milkshakes, oh then he was nice. Tell him not to let the dog out of the laundry room because his paws are wet and I'm a bitch who is bossing him around.

I finally got pushed to the point where I disengaged. I literally was gone if SS13 was there - which was every night. I would stay gone either alone or with my child from about 4:30 - 6:30, come home, eat dinner, shower and then hide in my bedroom to avoid any interaction with this asshole. If he got ice cream, ate candy, got soda (all things he needs to ask for because he is a fat hog who will gorge himself because he has no self control) - too bad. Not my problem. So DH would come home at 7:30 and "why didn't he eat dinner?" - he wasn't hungry.. why not? because he ate shit all night.. why didn't you tell him no? Because I don't want the attitude, arguing, bullshit and eventually having to involve you because you have taught this kid I am not to be respected by undermining me and revoking everything I do.

Dh caused this dynamic by labeling me as picking when I was just being the adult of the house and holding this kid accountable to the same standards as everyone else. Unfortunately, this kid is so good at manipulation that he played his dad right into taking away my authority. He also was a master at lying. Oh the shit he would accused me of doing. The fights he caused.

Of course I played right into it by losing my freaking mind after years of this.. who wouldn't? I'm only human.

So the disengaging didn't work. DH resented the hell out of it. He hated that I wasn't home for his darling every night and weekend when he worked. My comeback was "he doesn't want me there anyways" - it was a win/win. Dh argued that I should try to engage him.. Oh you mean like the time I took him to a fish fry (he loves fish) and he accused me of flirting with the firemen there because I talked them into allowing him to sit in the cab of the fire truck since it wasn't busy yet? or the time I took him to get frozen yogurt at one of those places where you serve yourself and told him to "not go overboard" and I turn around and he's made himself a 7 dollar ice cream with every topping known to mankind? Or the time I took him to the game store to pick out a game, he talked me into buying him this 30 dollar magazine because he "had money at home and could pay me back".. and lied about it! No thanks.

So I avoided him altogether. I basically put myself in prison and resented both my husband and this kid 24/7 for leaving me no choice. And yes, I had no choice. If I wanted to watch TV downstairs, it was a battle. One SS would play PS3 on one TV.. and the other would hog the other - while playing some game on his ipad. My child and I had no where else to go except my bedroom. If I so much as "asked" to watch TV in the main room.. I would get "you have a TV in your room - why don't you watch it up there.." and when I would reply "because I don't want to" they would say "well, then I'm going to" - uh no you aren't. That is my bedroom and you quite frankly disgust me with how you pick at your scabs, toes and ear wax while you watch TV and the last place you are plopping down is my bedroom.. So then, after this lovely exchange/argument, that SS would go into the other smaller living room and begin to irritate the older SS to the point where yelling and fighting would ensue.. And I had no control to do anything about it. It wasn't worth the battle and results.

Because I disengaged from satan kid, DH withdrew from me. In fact, he was a total dick for almost a year because of this. And anytime SS13 did something to screw with me, and then lie his ass off about it, DH would take his side and verbally put me in my place with things like "no wonder he hates you - all you do is pick!"

So here I am - totally alone in my home with the exception of my child every other week. We have DH's kids full time because BM is useless. I am only acknowledged when someone needs a ride or to ask "when is dinner?".. or if they can't find something - that's always my fault too. (nevermind they are slobs that leave shit everywhere and don't even get me started on their rooms - I've seen episodes of hoarders that are cleaner then their rooms). Oh, and every penny I make goes to this home because DH doesn't make enough and BM pays minimal child support and pays zero for extras like sports, etc. Can you say resenting my life?

So, fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I tried to sit DH down and tell him "this isn't working and we need help".. only to be blamed for the dynamic in the home and talked to with no understanding or respect. I am crying my eyes out and pleading with him to please take a step back and try to see my side of this.. in spite of all the crap we had been thru, I still loved him and wanted to make this work.. He didn't care and wouldn't agree to get help for all of us. Oh, I could get help because "I need to learn to tolerate his boys" - yea right! I needed to tolerate a kid that hates me and goes out of his way to cause conflict in our home daily? Who calls me names, disrespects me and has threatened to punch me twice in the past year over small things like taking his can.. Who not only treats me like crap, but pretty much everyone else in the house.. nope. How about that kid cuts the shit and acts right for once in his life..?

The talk was useless.

That Monday morning, I was at my breaking point. I knew my marriage was falling apart.. if not already shredded. I was pissed off and heartbroken. Angry as hell at DH and SS13.

That Sunday I cleaned the hell out of the house - I clean when I'm pissed. SS13 has this habit of shoving his shit under furniture instead of taking it up to his room when he's done, throwing it away or putting it in the dishwasher... like toys, water bottles, bowls with milk in them.. etc. It's been a 5 year battle and honestly I think he does it on purpose to piss me off..

So Monday morning I walk downstairs to get my day going. SS13 is sprawled out on the big chair like a damn jellyfish.. and I see there is once again, shit under the chair. He has to get ready for school and DH isn't there. I nicely say to SS13, "when you go up to get dressed for school, please remember to take your stuff under the chair up with you".. not a big deal, right?

So I begin to pack lunches and no less than 3 minutes later, SS13 walks past me and his shit is still under the chair. I say "hey, don't forget your stuff".. his shitty reply: "I'm not doing that right now".. I say "no, you need to take it up, you don't have a lot of time and you will lose track of time and forget".. He says "don't tell me what to do - I'm not doing it."

Oh, yea.. I was pretty fricking mad. But I kept cool because this kid lives to get a reaction.. I calmly pick up his crap and take it halfway up the stairs and say "here, put it in your room" - he then tells me the same "No.." and slams his door.

So I wait 10 minutes for DH to come home.. and tell him "you need to talk to your son"... and attempt to fill him in on what happened. While attempting to do this, SS13 is yelling from the other room "I told her I wasn't done reading the book under the chair".. flat out lie. He was watching Tv and the book was under the chair - and he had to get ready for school! That is all irrelevant. It was his attitude that was the issue (and now the lying).. DH takes his side and says "he said he was still reading the book".. I was flabbergasted. He then goes on to tell me "you were picking at the kid and didn't need to say anything" right in front of him.

I was done. I hit the proverbial wall. The combination of DH saying this shit to me and SS13 lying his ass off .. and basically enjoying what he was doing to me (and yes, I do think he enjoys these fights).. was too much.

I called SS13 a liar and told him to "shut his mouth. I was sick of him and his bullshit and didn't want to hear another word from him."

Dh jumped to his defense - yea, as if SS13 hasn't said those same things to me or worse a dozen times in the past year.

SS13 tells me to "shut up and no one wants you here." and then calls me a bitch.

I reply "calling me names and yelling at me doesn't make you a "big man" - you are still a child. You sleep with a teddy bear and blankie and cry whenever you don't get your way. swearing at me doesn't make you a man - it makes you a punk"

He loses it.. stands up and says "you f*cking bitch - I'm going to punch you in the fucking face"

A strange calm comes over me.. I pick up my cell phone and call 911. This is the 3rd time he has threatened to punch me in 12 months. He outweighs me by 20lbs and has serious anger issues. And yes, I do think one day he would harm me or my child. It's just a matter of time.

The cops come and ask me if I want to send him to juvenile. I think long and hard and talk to the cop for a while. I have already decided I'm moving out, so I figure "the hell with it" - he isn't my problem anymore. So I say "nah, I hope this scared the shit out of him" and the cop tells me "I doubt it. He's headed down a bad path and the best you can do is get as far away from him as you can"...

Agreed.

So I left. By Saturday I was out. Gone and have never felt better. I sleep at night. I can focus on work. I am not stressed and on edge. I have a home I feel welcomed in and love.

DH wants me back. He wants to fix this. He wants to get help for all of us. He is saying all the right things.. do I believe him?

FUCK no.. I do not. He wants his housekeeper back. He wants his cab driver back. He wants his chef back. And most of all.. he can't support or care for these brats on his own. My life got better - his got worse.

Comments

furkidsforme's picture

WOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Biggrin

No saint's picture

Really, really hope you go on feeling great about moving out. Wish you all the best, as I know that sometimes we can only see what's good in a relationship and sweep the abuse under the rug.
It will be me, soon, moving out, and I'll remeber your blog. Thank you.

worst_stepmom_ever's picture

You are AMAZING! You are not only doing what's best for you but you're teaching your daughter that you should NEVER tolerate being treated like a second class citizen... in your own home no less!!

StepKat's picture

Enjoy every second of your new freedom. Mental and emotional abuse can't be just as damaging as physical abuse. Don't let him convince you to go back to him. That's what these abusers do.

stayedtoolong's picture

Do not worry.. I will not go back to that - ever. I am so done with DH and his kid.. under no circumstances would I return to that hell.

stayedtoolong's picture

If ANY of you feel even 75% of the way I did.. do not wait - LEAVE. Please go. Staying and trying to love your DH thru this will not work. Please. It's degrading to put yourself thru this crap and it only drags your and your self worth down.

Please, find the strength to go if you are experiencing this crap. There is a MUCH better life out there for you and your child - if you have one. You do not need to be treated so poorly and deserve better.

I told myself this so many times and just couldn't find the strength to get me over that hump.. then it happened.. my "rock bottom/ha-ha moment".. and now I'm pissed I didn't do it sooner.

These men are not looking for a partner. They are looking for a dog on a leash that will allow them to drag them around and be their "companion"... faithful and serving.. loyal and will put up with their shit.

Things like signing his kids up for sports he couldn't afford, nor transport them to, without so much as the courtesy of talking it over with me.. and just expecting me to step up and be available. Who cares if my kid plays a sport or I have yoga or plans.. BE AVAILABLE for me.

Or going out and buying them clothes at Abercrombie while my kids clothes come from resale shops because we are broke and I'm trying to save money..

SO much bullshit. SO unfair. You give and give and no one gives back.

Get out and never look back, girlfriend. Seriously. There is nothing worth going thru this shit for. This isn't love. It's convenient for him and you are being used.

another step's picture

Son of a bitch!!! Good for YOU, girl!!! You have guts, and balls, and everything you need to make this work. Just remember how this feels right now and don't let your resolve weaken when he comes to tell you how much he loves you and how sorry his son is. Remember that YOUR life improved and theirs went to hell. And that is why he is saying the "right" things.

I admire your strength. Concentrate on you and what is important in your life. Work hard and take time for bubble baths. Get up and work your ass off and then sleep in when you can with no guilt. You are my new heroine! Smile

ybarra357's picture

"DH wants me back. He wants to fix this." Wow, I bet this prick wants you back. Dayum, stay as far away from these maniacs as possible. Hell, if he keeps harassing you to return, get a no contact order.

Heregoesnothing's picture

Good for you!!! You're absolutely right! He knows what he lost, he's not going to find another you! Best of luck with you and your daughter's freedom from the tyrants!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Wow, you did it. And you did it FAST once you set your mind to it. Good for you and your bio. I'm glad you had the means to get out. So many feel stuck, usually for financial reasons, but there is always a way. I can feel the weight lifted off of your chest!

Your SS13 sounds like my SD19. I am holding out in hopes that she launches in a couple of years. She is only here 4 months out of the year, but is a snotbag. I am learning ways to make her life miserable. Asking her to throw her trash out from her room makes her cry and then she throws a tantrum. I hope to have big balls like you lol!

Congrats on your new life! Breathe it in!

~ Moon

learningallthetime's picture

I have not been on much, largely as my Masters is kicking my ass right now, but wanted to say GOOD FOR YOU! You have truly done what is best for you and your child, and he will greatly regret his decision. You sound in a similar position to I was, when the man is so damn sure of his position and that you will continue to take it that the abuse gets worse and worse. That moment where you say no more is a defining moment. Sure, you have ups and downs after, especially when so much of your time has been occupied by running around after him and his kids, that it can feel very strange to have down time - just embrace it! It took me months to be comfortable with quiet and peace, and now I NEED it. I love my single life!

Maxwell09's picture

Dear God! I was so worried you were about to end this GREAT comeback story with a "we are talking about things, and taking it slow"! Good for you! You tried talking to him, he didn't listen then so he probably won't listen once you are back under his thumb. He created that monster of a child literally and figuratively so now he can deal with him SOLO. Maybe he even learned something from losing you because he really didn't know what he had until you were throwing in the towel. I'm very glad for you!

luchay's picture

Smile Welcome to the Escapee's club! Feels pretty damned good doesn't it?

I was scared for financial reasons, and stayed "because I loved him" and thought it would be enough - that one day he would realise what a good thing he has.

Now I am free, coping fine financially (just need 1 more fortnightly cleaning job and I will be quite comfortable) attending uni, kids are happy, home is peaceful, organised and we are doing just FINE!

He - lives in a caravan Smile Is going to court on Tuesday for assaulting me. Has unpaid bills and fines up to his ears.

Jsmom's picture

Good for you! I love it when a woman takes her power back. You go girl. You gave him every opportunity to work on the marriage. Too little too late.

Most Evil's picture

Congrats to you!!! An awesome success story that will inspire others!!!! ha ha thinking of the look on their faces when they have only each other to look at - HA!!!

ctnmom's picture

I can't believe how many of the men on here seem to marry just for the purpose of a maid/child minder. Then they're shocked when THIER lack of parenting makes their "arrangement" (it's not a marriage in these cases) fall apart. What is it with this type of man? I just don't get it.