I learned that I dont have to shoulder the responsibilities of a child I didn't help create and no amount of guilt-tripping to do so is acceptable. I also learned that it's not me, BM really is a psycho pants and she's actually pretty much run-of-the-mill so she can get away with it. Most importantly I learned that I can't/shouldn't parent my skid more than his own parents care to do because it will only back fire on me, make me feel hated and unappreciated.

Sad to say it, but I learnt that I don't have it that bad (my full sympathies to those of you that do). I also learnt to be grateful for my husband who is pretty understanding the majority of the time and when he isn't he will still usually do what I ask him to do as he is respectful of my feelings.

I wasn't crazy.
Other people have the SAME crazy stuff happen.
I learned how to disengage effectively and NOT do shit.

I'm not alone
I cannot own SO's problem
I cannot love or care for my SS more than his own parents do
It is alright to say no
It is alright to let go
There are worse off cases than mine

I learned ...

Dh was the largest contributor to our problems. His relationship with his adult children was established long before I came along. He would complain to anyone who would listen that the girls used him as a free bank, were an embarrassment with their wild escapades, and trashy acting like their mother. He claimed he just wanted to see them straighten out their lives, to be self supporting and quit draining him financially. He felt other ex wives had never made them feel welcomed and nit picked at them.

I learned Dh just liked to complain. He must have gotten enough enjoyment and reward from being able to make these topics the bulk of his conversation. Otherwise he would have done something to change the situation on his own.

Even when I came into the picture and attempted to end the numerous things he constantly had complaints about, he would play the role of the victim that had no say, or join forces with the girls to complain of my dislike for them.

I learned to quit fixing " his problems" I quit contributing financially . I quit taking in his granchildren to raise every time they had problems. I quit babysitting or entertaining his grandchildren since their arrangements had not been made with me. I quit being silent when I would hear Dh badmouthing his previous wives to others. Nothing shuts a complainer up faster then being reminded in front of others that their story isn't true and pointing out the facts.

I was fortunate and found this site about a month or two before even meeting the Skids. I showed my sister who said OMG what are you getting yourself into with this man!? Then I continued to binge read everything on this forum. I learned immediately to stay disengaged. After a few visits with the Skids DH tried to encourage hugs, I nipped that in the bud and announced asap that I wasn't really comfortable with hugging and they were obviously relieved as well. The daughter has had a few issues..one time throwing a massive hissy fit literally for no reason saying I wasn't her mother! I calmly asked her to look at me and said "I am not your mother! So I have no reason to want to be around you unless we are friends (although distant ones). She chilled out a bit but seems to go through these phases, where she EXTRA ignores me..which is fine..it's hard to read when you have a tween girl chatting in your ear for hours on end.

My DH is aware and has been from the start that I am not so much of a kid person and I will never love them like I do my dogs..or guinea pigs. He doesn't try to push anything on either side of the fence so we are all fairly happy with the situation. I do for them but my DH is also aware that everything I do is not mandatory and I can stop whenever I damn well please..so extra effort on his part making sure the kids behave and treat me respectfully.

I still read this site almost daily and have posted a few things to get some insight. I truly believe that if I didn't find this site before meeting the Skids everything would have fallen apart that day DH was encouraging the Skids to hug me.

I learned there are a ton of nasty, bat-shit crazy biomoms who will never have their kid's best interest at heart.

Partially from this forum and partially from my 16 years as a SM, I have learned that even when my SKs may be civil to me, they really don't care about me and never would go out of their way for me. Along with that, I learned to protect my heart and that anything I do for THEM should ONLY be because I want to make my DH feel good and NOT the SKs, who will never be grateful of the time, money or effort I spent. I've also learned that, no matter what, my DH will always defend the SKs and have an excuse for their selfish behavior. Since the SKs are the only thing my DH and I have ever really disagreed on, to preserve my otherwise happy marriage, the only thing I can do is to ignore their behavior and be the bigger person, for my husband's sake.

I learned that I didn't have to do everything BM said/ asked of me/DH.

I know it sounds pathetic but when I first came into the SM gig, BOTH myself and DH quite literally did as we were told by her, as she was "the mom" 

..we just, did as we were told by her I guess. I was very humble entering into this new situation, and DH was used to being manipulated and controlled by her. "Yes dear" was basically all he said for years with her, lol! Poor, idiotic guy :/

When I found ST, I was *blown away* by the concept that I actually was able to say to BM "no, actually I don't want to/ can't do whatever it is you are asking for" 

Before I found ST, I felt I needed to bow to her every desire and try to make her comfortable with me, as she quite literally told me that she felt I was "the new woman coming to take her son's love away from her" pfft. whatever. I don't WANT your friggin son. Keep him. 

All *I* did was meet an awesome man and want to be with him. His kid has nothing to do with it, leave me alone.

Anyway when I found ST, I shared the website with DH, and he agrees with me that it SAVED our relationship.. by opening both our eyes to what we should be doing (falling in love, being happy, cutting BM out of our lives and stop her running everything for us) 

..and stopping us from continuing on the path we *were* going down, which was giving BM aaaaaall the power, in aaall of our lives (mine, DH's, and SS's) and basically being puppets to whatever she demanded.

Both DH and I are eternally thankful for ST and the knowledge it has provides for us as a couple. We'd never have survived otherwise, that's a fact.

Great question. I have learned so much and I have applied a weird hybrid of suggestions to my real life.

I learned that a good woman, a good mom can have these competitive, envious, resentful, "evil" thoughts about Skids and S-grandkids. I learned that boundaries are imperative. I learned that many of "our" issues were a result of SO's parenting style. Or, rather, his absolute lack of parenting style... The dichotomy between our parenting styles has been a major source of conflict.

I learned that there are different "cultures" here in the USA. Almost like the caste system in India. I understand some, but the poverty, drug/alcohol, felony, "let's have another baby" thing, I just don't understand. I learned that mental health is an over-looked member of any family. I learned that I am not alone and I am not a bad woman/mom, FSM/FSGM.

I am delaying the wedding, discussing parenting styles, keeping separate households, keeping separate finances, addressing issues that I see played out on this board, before I bring my BS-13 into the dysfunctional mess that I thought I could wrestle into a Brady Bunch family. I was wrong.

Prior to my first marriage, Ex-DH & I attended several "per-cannan" classes with our Church. That marriage didn't work out. Recently, I have viewed STEPTALK board as the pre-marital equivalent for second marriages with stepkids, bio-parents, etc.