What to do about transportation?
This is probably the main reason that custody schedule gets ignored...we do not have our own vehicle, BM does. We would ask our close friends and family to help, but currently they have been having problems too and also do not have vehicles. So for now we mostly get around by the public buses, or walking.
But BM does not want to be the one to provide transportation all the time. The judge knew of this situation at the custody hearing, and told them to work things out between them, which BM is now trying to deny the judge ever said that. My husband told her that he was completely willing sometimes to would pick up and drop SS off, to be fair...provided she or another adult in her household could meet him at the stop~ her house is over 3 blocks away. She made it known that she was against that idea, but told my husband OK, to arrange that for next time. She met him for the pick up. But when it was time to drop SS off, no one was there. My husband looked around for a minute, but then he took SS back on the bus so they could come back and find out what was going on.
Well, even though her SF was supposed to meet him, he sounded like he had no clue what was going on when DH called him. But when my husband said that C was here, he said "Why didn't you just walk him back here?". We had been told that the arrangements were for her SF to meet him, that's why! So her SF drove here to pick him up. Boy, did that steam BM's clams! She blamed it all on my husband
and said that her SF was there at the time, my husband just "didn't bother to look around enough". Then she said that her SF was running late. Well which is it?
After that episode, she declared that no one was going to meet DH at the stop anymore, because "it didn't work out". She said "if" my husband wants SS, then he can come get him. And if it has to be by bus, then my husband's "just going to have to come to the house".
There are numerous reasons why we are against the idea. My husband is diabetic and has problems with his one foot. It broke in 1999, when he was simply crossing the street. He said he was lucky it happened in between lights, or he would've been hit. He came back that day and went right to the ER for a cast. Ever since then, his foot flares up with pain sometimes and it is discolored. His doctor told him to try to limit his walking when possible. But DH's main concern is if he has to walk from her house to the stop, in a town he is not familiar with, and his foot should break again, what will he do with SS? Not only that, there is the problem of the bus schedules. Depending on times, by the time he gets to her place, or gets back to the stop, it could be awhile in between buses. Again, he is not familiar with the town she moved to. She says "Just take SS to the park or something". That's an idea for spring/summer, but what about now? SS has had a couple bouts of RSV, and I don't know why she'd want to keep him exposed to cold weather more than need be.
She has talked to my husband about just coming to her house before. Neither one of us is comfortable with that idea. Not only because both her and her husband (and from what she says, ALL of her family and friends) have drug us through the mud, so we don't get along with them at all~ but because we've been told that, ideally, he shouldn't have contact alone with the BM...ie, if I'm not there then he shouldn't be alone with her. Her and her husband say "Oh for God's sake, I don't want to have sex with you anymore, I'm MARRIED now, get over yourselves...I'm not going to do anything in front of my kids or husband".(not true, she has before). That's not my main concern. The times that she has been alone with DH (for some court appearances), she tells me things that he insists are not true. We don't need any extra games of "he said, she said"...it took a lot for me to deal with that kind of thing from the affair...we don't want to add to it. So, in our view, it is better avoided by not spending time at her house.
But she forces the issue by saying that is the ONLY way she will follow custody, she refuses to meet at the bus stop. She brings SS occasionally when she is working, but rarely. Basically she uses DH as another glorified babysitter....not because she wants SS and DH to spend time together. We accept even the short time we can get with him, but the hypocrisy of the custody vs. the support still gets to us. In so many ways, I feel like we're in a Catch 22 with her. Sadder is the fact that I believe she enjoys that.
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NEUTRAL LOCATION
This has nothing to do with transportation on our end, but our solution to a different problem may work with your problem. Picking up and dropping off at the house was always problematic, so we decided that all dropping off and picking up would be done at a neutral location. Even though our drive time was five hours and hers was only a couple of minutes, it helped tempers to have the exchange take place in a neutral, public location. Maybe if you approach it as a compromise, i.e. she doesn't have to drop off or pick up at your house and hubby doesn't drop off or pick up at her house... pick a neutral location (preferrably near a bus stop) and make that be the exchange point. Maybe if you make it sound like it's less about transportation and more about having one set location to avoid confusion in the future, maybe she'll buy off on it.
~ Anne ~
That's the problem we're running into
She doesn't want to meet at the neutral location, the bus stop. We have offered to meet her outside here, at our bus stop...but the bus stop here it is literally visible from our front porch. She says that she nor anyone else will meet at her bus stop, only at her house. She has even said several times that it is closed for discussion~ pick up at her house or else nothing until there's a time when she decides she can bring him here.
How can she dictate all of this stuff?
How is it possible for her to dictate all of this? Is their no recourse?
It's possible in sosmomof6's
It's possible in sosmomof6's situation for the same reason it's possible in my husband's situation... because the custodial parent has the child(ren) in her care/control/custody and if you don't play by her rules, then she withholds access to the kids. The only recourse is to get a lawyer and file a complaint, in which case the judge will likely tell her to stop withholding visitation. She may or may not follow his orders for a time, but eventually she'll resort to withholding access to the kids again and again your only recourse is to take her back to court. Who has the money to get a lawyer and file a complaint every other weekend? Who wants to call the police every time you want to see your kids, who then see YOU as the bad guy because you called the cops on their mother?! It's a screwed up system, where if the paying parent withholds CS, then they immediately go to jail and have their life destroyed, but if the custodial parent withholds access to the kids, then that's okay.
~ Anne ~
I guess the only thing you
I guess the only thing you can do then is just figure out how to do the picking up/dropping off at her house. We tried to get his ex to split the driving with us, since we were five hours away, and to meet us halfway. The judge told us nope, it was Dad's responsibility to transport the kids for visitation. Some courts will make them meet halfway, especially if there's a long drive involved, but from our experience, the responsibility for transporting the kids falls to the visiting parent. Sigh.
~ Anne ~
If you don't mind me asking...
What is the reason why you can't afford a vehicle of your own? Even if it's a cheap secondhand little communter that has a good engine that runs and nothing else? Or is it no license issue? When times were tough, I turned to getting a little old VW beetle that I called... "my get out of debt car". lol. I came across a private seller who, after talking to me for awhile, dropped the price of the car about 2000.00 off his orignial price, he just kept saying... okay I'll let you have it for... and more talking would happen, and then... I change my mind, how about! Plus, he allowed me to make payments to him for a year! So, I made sure that his payment got to him the first of the month, every month- on time!
And I guess my next question is, is there a grocery store parking lot in between you and her? This is what we use. Usually there is a bus stop close by to grocery stores plus it's a public location, meaning that there are people around in view. So, it's less likely she would try anything that would embarrass her (of course, you she won't care about, but her... that would be different). You can also wait inside the store doors to keep out of the weather and still have a view of the parking lot. We have to wait a half hour, if the other does not show by this time, we go home whether we have or do not have SS with us, call to find out what happened, document it and call our lawyer who in turn, calls her or her lawyer (if any), and by the next day- wha la... miraculously we have a "connection". Plus, a track record is created for the judge to visibly see.
Is there a recreation center or community center near by? They usually have a park, plus facilities that you can wait in, plus there are usually bus stops located close to them too. Something else to consider.
What ever you do, be sure to always use the same spot- regardless. So, find one that is suitable for all occasions, and stick with it. Just let her know, I will be here at this time, this location and will wait this long. If you are not there, I will call my attorney. Don't say anything more or less, just be blunt, calm and firm with her. If she goes into a rant or tries to provoke a fight, again I repeat. I will be here at this time, this location and will wait this long. If you are not there, I will call my attorney. Also, if she does ignore you, call an attorney- literally.
A few things....
No, I don't mind you asking...it's both the financial and the license issues. We were so upset~ last year my uncle had a minivan he was going to sell to us for $200! Can you believe it? That was perfect for us. We were all set to get things taken care of, and then we get the notices that they were intercepting the income tax refund because of her support. Her and husband said to us that they were willing to let us have some of it still, as long as a certain amount could be spent on SS. We said we had no problem at all with that. But then BM told us one day that the only way she would still do that is if we agreed to pay her over $5000 in the near future. The support and arrears had dropped down to around $1500, and she said this was a way for us to make things "fair". When we said we couldn't afford that, and that there was a reason DRS agreed to drop the amount~ she decided that we weren't entitled to any of our refund after all, and said she was going to "sit on" the check. So there went the van, and after that my husband had his license privileges revoked because of support too. Now I am in the process of getting my license, but I need new glasses first. I'd like to get a vehicle, but I'm not sure how to swing it at the present.
As for meeting her, I don't know if the location will matter. It seems to be more of a control issue...not that she doesn't want to meet us in public. She sees it as an inconvenience to her or her family to go to the bus stop....not looking at the fact that it takes an hour to just to get to her town by bus. She wants my husband to go to her house so that she won't have to be "bothered" to leave. We can run the idea by her though. It sounds like you have a good attorney!
Another example of how screwed up the system is...
...take away dad's license to drive, licenses to do business, etc. and then they can't see or support the kids. Now, I know there are real deadbeat dads out there - my ex-husband was certainly one of them - but there are also dad's out there who are trying and the system is failing them, as well as failing the kids. How can a system be supportive of the children when it focuses only on what father's contribute financially and gives no thought to what they could, want to and should contribute spiritually, emotionally, etc. (I say dads, but I guess what I really mean is the non-custodial parent. Just happens to be dad in my case and in the case of most of us on here.)
~ Anne ~
Exactly
I agree Anne...I so badly wish the judges would see the big picture, not
see DH (or moms in some cases) as just another number who needs to pay X amount of support and if he can't afford all of it then "too bad", he's got to "suffer"....even if it makes other children suffer too. Now because of DH 's record from being in prison last year, no decent job wants to hire him. Every interview he goes on, once they do the background check, they tell him he hasn't passed. The most he can make will be $7 an hour, and BM makes at least $11....that's what DH used to make before she had SS. He'd like to make more for us and for SS, but BM just likes keeping the threat of jail on him. Even after he finds another job, I think I am just going to have to go back to work to keep us afloat. Sorry to stray off topic and keep going on about this stuff
If my sister can get a
If my sister can get a high-paying job with a DUI, then surely we can find your hubby a good job somewhere. Has he tried being up front about it and telling them in advance that he has this record and why? If he tells them right off the bat and frames it such they understand that he will be an extra good, extra hard worker on account of his family obligations, they might be willing to take a chance on him. Don't let them find out during the background check, make sure he tells them up front. With some employers, that can make a huge difference. My sister was offered a job, but the offer was rescinded when the background check showed her DUI. The hiring manager told her that if she'd only told him about it first, he would have still hired her. I don't know what he does for a living, but have you tried www.ajb.org, America's Job Bank, to search for jobs? When my husband was retiring from the military, I was using it daily to help him find a job. I must have sent out THOUSANDS of resumes! How close are you to the border? I ask because some employers might do a statewide background check or even just a county-wide one. He might have better luck in WV, OH, MD, NY, NJ... depending on how close you are to the border.
~ Anne ~
You need to check with social services
to see if they have a program that helps those with criminal records get decent jobs. Some States offer employers that hire ex-convicts...there is a new pc term for it..I just can't think of it..but employers can get grants for payroll if they hire those with criminal backgrounds. And usually those business that hire, and receive those grants are networked with social services.
A lot of restaurants hire people right out of jail, and the State pays their payroll for the first 3 months. There is a huge incentive for employers to take advantage of that.
I am a small business owner, and I run back ground checks. If someone has the potential to be a good employee, but has a bad background, depending on the timeframe and the crime itself, my dh and I usually offer second chances to people. I can't hire those with theft on their record or major assault records (we offer services in peoples home's and cars...). For DUI's, minor assualt (bar fights), and other crimes, we are willing to give people a try. As long as they prove themselves they can stay on.
I know this might not sound appealing, but you should really check into janitorial services for major contractors or colleges. Janitors can make ~$40K/year. No one wants to brag about a job cleaning toilets, but if it puts food on the table...well, a job is a job.
I hope this helps you!
My uncle is a janitor
The only issue with that is depending on the crime, schools are out of the question. However, corporate and small businesses need janitors all the time. It's not a bad job at all but most hours require you to work evenings/swing shift. That could be a problem for visitation schedules. It is certainly worth looking into.
Thanks everyone
We're going to bookmark that America's Job Bank today. Husband is already using a local site~ pacareerlink...but adding another certainly wouldn't hurt! I think what Anne mentioned might have been the problem so far....he did not want to tell them for fear they would just reject him for the job sooner. The record is only for child support. There have been a few jobs where he explained that since the record was because of child support, and having a job would help with that problem then wouldn't it make sense to hire him? The odd thing is that the local fast food places are some of the most adamant about clean backgrounds....go figure. He is trying at many different jobs right now, janitorial, restaurant, factory etc. We're supposed to be in a job program right now, they haven't gotten back to us yet....we are calling them frequently to follow up. So hopefully they will start us on that soon. I know he doesn't have a problem working the swing shift...he's done that before...right now the only problem with that is, again, transportation~ since the city buses don't run at that time and we don't have another way around, he might have to walk home from a good distance. Even that he wouldn't have a problem with, except that we live in a bad part of town, especially bad at night. So we would be worried about safety issues. But here's hoping that something will come through soon
Sounds like on the right track...
It sounds like you are making progress, and I know how frustrating it can be when things feel like time is standing still and the bills need to be paid, no groceries in the fridge...
Keep being presistent and don't give up. Something will come your way for sure. Keep your goals straight, focused and positive. Things will turn around.
How about a bike? Not quite the ideal situation, but at least you can get where you're going faster than walking. Or a scooter/motor bike... although, they may need a special license for them...at least in this state you do. We have several kids, and adults, riding them around my neighborhood. Even an old motorcycle might work for your DH? But here, you have to have a license for those too, so I'm not sure if that will work. Something to consider trying. At least it would be transportation for him to get from work and home, etc. I know it's not quite the "family car", but it's a goal to work up to... if you catch my drift.
Some States offer grants for buying vehicles
I don't know of anyone who did receive this type of grant, but I have seen it advertised before. You guys really seem down and out right now...and I wouldn't want your dh to have to travel through bad streets at night just to get home from work.
Are there family members that can help out in this department, like be available to pick up dh from work and drive him home? Or is there anyone you could borrow a vehicle from for a few months?
I don't know if this is what
I don't know if this is what you were referring to but there's a thing here called the "Ways To Work" program, which we've contacted about. They said until my husband gets his license straightened out, they really can't set it up yet. I need to take my test again once I get new glasses, once that gets accomplished then I'm going to take him to whatever job he gets. Until then, his Dad actually JUST got another car, and he helps out with rides sometimes~ but unfortunately it's not a reliable thing. He will take my BIL to his job faithfully, but for some reason he has never been that way towards my husband. But, you know, there's not much we can say about that because it's his life and his car...all we can do is ask him and hope he would understand. I think for now we may just take up that bike idea!
How bad is your eyesight?
I have two or three pairs of glasses around the house that I would gladly donate to you. My eyesight isn't that bad, 20/30, more to help with reading, but I don't need corrective lenses to drive. If you want, I would be happy to send you all my pairs of extra glasses, and if the lenses don't correct your vision enough, then you could just buy new lenses for them, you wouldn't have to buy frames. Perhaps you could get state assistance to help with covering costs of lenses?
If this helps let me know, send me an email of your address, and I will put them in the mail for you. They are just sitting around my house waiting for my toddler to mangle them:)
That is sweet.....
But last time I was checked I think it was 40/60
Normally I'd only use glasses for reading around the house, but for driving I would need stronger. Our insurance will cover frames. Actually Janice directed me to a good site where I can get affordable glasses, so as soon as I get re-tested I will have to check what they have! Thank you very much for the offer though!
Great!
Okay, well I will donate them to goodwill, or another non-profit org. You are very welcome,
Candice