This should be a pretty introspective blog.

I've been thinking a lot recently (again) about the dynamics between DH, BM and myself....and her current husband to some level. I am very confused. In the beginning of all this (after I found out that SS might be my husband's child) I thought with enough "work" that we could at least have a relatively civil and constructive relationship for SS's sake as well as our children's. My husband and I got the Dr. Phil Relationship Rescue book and workbook, among others, and that helped us greatly in recovering from the affair. We figured applying some of those same principles to our interactions with BM wouldn't be a bad thing, you know? Because even though it's not a romantic relationship, it is still a relationship as parents.

The problem is that I've found out that as sensible as that stuff may be, there are people that just do not wish to evolve. Even though my BIL went to therapy with his wife, she just wouldn't commit to the marriage and they split up anyway. And BM seems to me to be the poster child for someone being stuck in their ways.

Now I know the thing that those books and other similar therapy or advice says is to change yourself and not think about the other person. I must say, this is a very hard balance and I fully admit I struggle with it! When it comes down to it, there are some very conflicting messages. For example~ the book says to seek to inspire...that if you always react in nothing but a gracious, calm manner, even when the other person is blowing smoke at you, then chances are it can inspire the other person to change their game.

But then it also gives the basic advice that you should not settle for a relationship in which there is continued manipulation, verbal and emotional abuse and so on. That people deserve a relationship where they can be happy and are treated with basic decencies as well, that is our human right. This is all great in theory. But the contradiction lies in the question, how long is it that you should keep extending the olive branch and getting your hand bitten off before you're considered a doormat? How long is one supposed to "accept" blatant disrespect and all? That's a very difficult thing to just accept, but most of the time you can't stop the person from doing it to you. I've seen several situations here where the BM is just talking to the stepmoms and she'll say something that is just uncalled for, and I've certainly had that happen more than enough to me. Before you know it, the damage is done. And then we're left with the choice of keeping our reactions to ourselves or giving it right back to BM and most likely feeding into it and keeping the cycle going.

I'm just thinking about all of these issues about SC and support.... and all are very hot-button topics, and although counseling doesn't solve everything (or even anything sometimes), it also stinks that we don't have that kind of guidance sometimes, because this is tough! When it comes to children and our spouses and money, those are some very powerful things that I think any human being would have a hard time not getting defensive about. I mean we all deal with asshole people on a somewhat regular basis...the boss, the rude person in public, the grocery cashiers and etc. And of course our families. And when you include a new spouse or a new partner and kids, it's very similar to dealing with our parents and in laws and such, the same issues come up about finances and how to raise the kids and so on. I wonder if the people working in the system think about these things sometimes, how it can add to the problems and doesn't always truly support the best interests of the children, but seems to foster even more negativity/resentment.

So I'm pondering about walking on that line...trying to deal with/accept a person who is continually and purposely dysfunctional while keeping my sanity and esteem intact.