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Found my dying hill

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

I've been married to DH for almost 8 years. Ive put up with him being gone for work 90% of that time, his mother's insanity, the skids' crap attitudes, and being tied down to BM's house and his aggressive dogs. I've cheerfully deflected all the jerks in our community who call him an absentee father and look at me with pity because he was never there for BM, too. I bend over backwards to foster a deep and meaningful relationship between him and DD7. 

He is home this weekend for once. My spidey senses were tingling so I checked his texts. The very top one was a conversation with BM. He has been making plans with her to pay to bring SD out to visit him (that's the first I've heard about it!). BM is "concerned" about SD's boyfriend so DH put on his super suit and ran to her rescue "do you want me to chase him off?". Are you fucking kidding me? I work to make sure we make ends meet, I do all the house work, all the lawn care, all the animal care, all the car maintenance, all the home repairs. I take care of everything and treat him like visiting royalty when he chooses to show up for 2 days a month. But he makes plans with BM and doesn't run it past me first?


I told him to pack his bags and get the fuck out.


Curious Georgetta's picture

With BM but plans for his daughter. If his work requirements are such that he has to be away that much of the   you should come to terms with your comfort level with his job requirements. If he were in the military or worked abroad, you would not view your home responsibilities as exceptional. They would simply be normal for your circumstances.

It does not sound as though he has much time to give to any family members. Do you really want to spend your  little time  together quibbling  about something like this?

Maybe you could consider relocating with him to his job site.

fairyo's picture

Haha- this is really funny! 'You should come to terms with your comfort levels with his job requiremets' now I believe in time-travel and we can really go back to the 1950s!

still learning's picture

OP should never question her husband, where he's going or who he's out with. She should wait patiently at home and reheat his dinner when he comes back.  

GrabitAndGo's picture

No, no, no!  She should cook and entirely new dinner for him (preferably 5 courses), and gaze at him adoringly while he eats.  IF he allows her to sit at the same table, that is.  

queensway's picture

WT! He has taken advantage of everything that you do for him. You are so right, why can't he run this by you first. You are the wife not the ex. But this isn't about the adult women here it is about SD. He is going to be her HERO. He will save the day. I call total BS to this. I am sure you feel betrayed and I don't blame you. Does he know you checked his phone? If so he may use this against you. But really he is just wrong for doing this without coming to you first. Which comes down to he doesn't put you first. He puts what he wants to do first. You were never even a thought when he was making plans with ex. What a douche.

twoviewpoints's picture

Is that plans to bring her to where he is 90% of the time (and entirely his spare funds), or plans to send her to your home where he is a lousy 2 days a month if that? Or is it plans to bring her to your town but she stay with your busybody irritating MIL across the way (with MIL's and/or his self funds)?

Because if you meant to your home to stay with you  and soak up more of self funding to support her stay, and look after, yeah, WTF is up with not pre-discussing any of this by you?

So what was his 'excuse' for forgetting he has a wife to consult with after you told him to pack his bags? 


marblefawn's picture

The only way I ever found out about anything my husband cooked up with SD is by looking at his email. I hate that.

So, did he go yet?

Areyou's picture

I would be upset too. He should have talked to you about it as his teammate and partner. BM is no longer his teammate and partner. After 8 year Ta and he still doesn’t know that? You’ve enabled him for far too long. I’m glad you asked him to leave.

Harry's picture

What job he has that keeps him away that long. Only two days a month off ???  This is never going to work ! ! If he’s off one weekend a month and has a DD.  Can see how it’s fair to anyone mostly you.  You need together time.  (He had it with BM before DD was there. DD was there choice to do that not yours.) I can see what you are getting out of this relationship???  You realize the older kids get the more costs. Like cars, insurance,college.books,  unless he changes Jobs, or gets a lot more time off. Your wasting your life !!!  with this man.  Not his fault that he wants to see his DD.  But it leaves no time.  Paying for her transportation? That the only way he gets to see her.  I always say for BP to get a part time job to pay for exter cost.  But he works too much already..  unless something changes. LEAVE !!!     I just can’t see any of this working out unless big changes 

MoominMama's picture

I think you are doing the right thing. He has shown you how he means to go on. Now show him that you are better than that.

Goodluck's picture

Yup...I would have told him the same thing.

The straw that broke YOUR back for sure. That sneaking behind your back with texts from his ex...oh heck no.

Listen my exhusband and I have a decent post divorce thing. We had that for years. BUT when I talk with him my dh knows...hell he knows every thing. He and I are married. My loyalty is to my DH not the father of my first few kids.

Fries my ass when I hear anyone tell ME I should have loyalties to my ex first. . Same goes for BM's who think men who are re-married should have loyalites to them FIRST.  That is a root cause of so much churning of cases in court year after year. Courts know it too.

Your bm popped out a kid...we all have...WHOOP DE DOOOOO

ok, vent over




Iamwoman's picture

Sounds like you finally had enough!

I remember when I divorced my exH, one of the questions I asked myself was "Am I better off with him or without him?"

The answer was so easy. He was rarely home, financially drained me, had two obnoxious adult daughter mini-wives, was a hypocrite about multiple things, spent enormous amounts of money on himself but flipped out if I bought even a hair straightener for me, expected me to be his cook and maid, wanted me to stop surfing and going to the gym, and other ridiculousness. Looking back, I can't believe I ever even married that guy - one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I should have left him and his sh1tty life behind and continued to be a single mom, but he wooed me in the beginning and I had low self-esteem.

Sonofabrisketmaker, it sounds like you are married to a replica of my exH. These men never change. They think they world revolves around them and you're just another resource to be sucked dry.

Enjoy your better life without him.

WalkOnBy's picture

Oh, Brisket, I am so mad for you!!

What was his response??  Did he pack his shit and get the fuck out?

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

He spent the day oversharing everything in a stream of consciousness monologue and is away for work again for the week. I'm still furious and considering divorce. I told him before we got married that my line in the sand is having to guess what my partner is doing. It's stressful and takes up too much of my resources.

ESMOD's picture

I think it's definitely a boundary line in the sand that he is planning a vist from SD (where he works.. or whatever) without even mentioning it to you.  I  mean.. I get that he works away from home and I am guessing communication is not super great.. maybe not a lot of calls or whatever but if this is going to impact YOU.. he needs to tell you what is going on.

Now the "running off the BF comment".. well, that can be done from a distance.. I don't necessarily think he had to have meant he would go in person.

So... I think that with a step back and a clear head you need to get to the bottom of this SD travel plan.  Was it just in the infancy of planning?  Was it something like BM contacted him... and said SD wanted to come for a visit or BM wanted her to come for a visit and he asked a question about it like "what was she think?"... and perhaps he didn't even know it was a firm enough possibility or he didn't even know enough about what it might mean to bring it up with you?"... or was it to the point of getting ready to book tickets???  Was it going to be a visit to where he works so he figured he didn't need to run it past you since it wouldn't impact you? 

I know it is frustrating to have a SO that is gone so much.  My husband commercially fishes and is gone from April through October.  We get to see each other most weekends for one night.. but still 4 nights a month for the better part of the year is not a lot!  So I understand being protective of the little time you would have with him.  And.. it's not possible for me to move.  He works 18 hour drive away and my job here has a pension plan and I have been here 15 years... and get a month of vacation and it's a specialized career field.. so I can't leave.

Aniki's picture

Gads, Brisket!!! He is being a complete arse. I'm so sorry. {{{hugs}}}

My DH works second shift so I only see him on weekends (I don't count him sleeping as "seeing" him). And since EOWe is a skid weekend, I only get quality time with him EOWe and a couple of hours on skid Sunday. That is a HELLUVA lot more time than you get. Yep. Complete. Arse. Sorry, hon. Sad