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do you have clothes for them or do they pack

somerg's picture

ok so my dh and i are thinking about getting pg with OUR first child this summer (will make the 4th between us), we've talked to the skids about it and they are "OK" with this thought since it will take their room away from them (can't afford a bigger house and dont' see the point in getting into 1 since they both will/should be working by the time baby is in own room anyway), they agreed are never there anyway's and really dont' have much to take away (a few clothes and a bed that they rarley use and a BUNCH of leggo's that they obviously can keep here to give them something to play with)

they wear the same undies all weekend :sick: because we have none for them and i'm not buying them any because they are not with us long enough to get good use. and mom never sends any with them, knowing we have none

i just brought up the idea to dh to either let them out grow what we have for them adn that's all, or just send it all to bm and tell her they will need to start packing to "blend them into the idea' of what it'll be like instead of BOOM your room is gone and we're getting ready for baby................SURPRISE.

What do/did you do...please no harsh comments we've already talked to them and they are ok with the idea of no room at dad's and all the toys they get FOR our house they take home it's really the "guest" room with their stuff in it


happymostly's picture

We have a few clothes for sd, but dumb dh never has sd wear them, because he thinks they are nice (which they are) so he will only have sd wear them if we go out in public somewhere all together (which is hardly ever! lol) so the clothes that bm sends, she'll send underwear, socks, pants and shirts (which we have all those for sd anyway) dh will have her wear those when she is playing, so if they get stains on them its okay because its not 'our clothes' for her, but shes going to start outgrowing all the clothes we have for her if we dont have her start wearing them! lol. This past christmas, we sent some of the 'older' clothes we had for sd to bm, cuz bm was saying sd needed more clothes at her house (she expected us to BUY her new clothes and send them over there, yeah right that's what child support is for) and some of the toys she got for xmas from my side of the family, we sent with her back to bm's because she has alot of toys here. Right now i told dh, sd doesnt need anymore clothes here, because when will she wear them since you never have her put them on!?
How old are your skids? You said they will be old enough to have jobs, so im thinking late teenage years? I dont think its a problem if the skids never come around that often, and it will still be a while (3ish years right? -waiting till summer to get pregnant; nine months to be pregnant; then if you keep the baby in yalls room for his/her first year, or even till they are almost 2) before you guys put the baby into its own room.

alwaysanxious's picture

Ours pack. We don't keep clothes here unless they leave something by accident.

ch21's picture

the ex and her mom send clothes with the kids because we pick and drop them off and it is a 60 mile drive one way. if she is understanding talk to her if not maybe try to get a court order stating what is what. in ours we are suppose lprovide the clothes but they are ok with it because they want to get rid of the kids so bad. if they refused to send them i would probablly get some undies at the dollar store and clothes fromthe goodwill if they are not there often enough to use because naturally they have to have that.

iwishyouwould's picture

I used to send a bag with kiddo on the rare occasion that he spent the night with bm. BM had nothing for him. Now she has a few things for him and I will not send clothing that i have bought to her house. She now has a coat, a vest, two full outfits and multiple pairs of underwear and socks that i bought and she refuses to return them. Im not talkign target clothes, Im talking gymboree full price stuff. She kept those and sent back clothing that is a size too small and from kmart, three times in a row. This is now my pet peeve. So i now keep a box of bms size too small clothing in kiddos closet and send him in something from that when he spends the night with her. Its her loss - as far as i am concerned she stole from me (she pays no child support), i would have sent him in the darling xmas outfit on xmas and the dashing little party outfit for his half sisters bday but because she refuses to return my property she got pics of him in size too small kmart clothes on both xmas and at the party (as far as i can tell she doesnt even use the clothes, she just wont return them). like i said, this is now my petty little pet peeve.

poisonivy's picture

We have things for them at our house because BM purposely dresses them in rags and I refuse to have them dressed like hobos when they are out with me. However, the things that I buy stay at our house.

somerg's picture

i've told my dh how gross it is to not change undies or at least go captain (whatchamacallit) for the night while they are being washed.

i'm so picky my daughter changes her's every morning and every night (little much, but hey not complaining)

their hygene does suck big time (the 15 yr old does not yet wear deodorant by habit yet (YUCK)and their hair ALWAYS looks like straw from being so dirty and greasy (the youngest when we had a lice out break didn't get any lice and was proud of that-because her head IS that filthy-............OMG REALLY?!)

my dh doesn't buy the undies, because as some of you stated in other posts, that's what cs pays for, he's asked for the bm to send their clothes, she's refused so far, and the ONLY reason we have clothes for them is because someone else in the family bought them and gave them to us or i found something for a whole .50 at a garage sale.

i bought them pj's and undies at first, for them to have SOMETHING but dh didn't like it because of the 300 in alimony and 465 in child support he was paying bm, she COULD afford to donate some of it, he/we couldn't.

but hey, karma's a bitch, she gets to pay a lot of that alimony back now.....guess if you don't do right, it'll bite you in the end

aggravated1's picture

Where are they going to sleep when they are at your house?
My stepkids always brought their own clothes.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

How old are they? Ss13 packs a bag when he visits and sleeps on our couch, btw. He's old enough to pack for himself so we don't have to deal with that.

Marie0124's picture

We have clothes for them at our house. We also have toys, toothbrushes, etc. BM used to pack everything but it's nice to have stuff here so they feel like this is a home for them too and they aren't just guests. We have beds and will probably upgrade to a bigger house once we have our own baby.

helena_brass's picture

I'm a little confused about how old your skids are. If they're going to be old enough to have jobs soon, then they should know better to pack themselves an extra pair of underwear. If they're younger though, their mother should send that with them. DH should talk to her about that, and if she won't comply then he ought to get a few pairs for your house. Even though it is against the CS principle, a couple pairs of underwear aren't going to put anyone in the poorhouse. Wearing the same pair all weekend is just icky.

BM packs clothes for FSS4, but FSD8 packs her own suitcase when they come to stay with us. She's finally learned to pack more than one pair of panties and socks. We don't have any clothes for them at our place, and the few toys DH buys for the kids stay at our place. DH has had to buy FSD panties before, because she used to forget to pack any at all (she'd come with a suitcase full of stuffed animals and nothing else).

somerg's picture

tx they are 13 and 14.5

we have the toothbrush's, and some clothes, but dh and i both are getting tired of doing their linens FOR them (i don't mind HELPING but i'm not servant, and i refuse to be 1), we'll tell them, no clean clothes if YOU don't do your laundry, and they honestly don't care, and will stink all weekend the following weekend. i or dh wash their bedding (everyone's for that matter) every week because a lot of times someone is staying over night when they are home (on the weekend)

Tx mommy of 3's picture

Oh no! They are old enough to pack a bag with enough clothes for a weekend. If my piggy back riding immature ss13 can pack his own bag then your skids can too! I wouldn't even wait til they outgrow the clothes you have now. I'd just send it with them next time and tell them they need to keep heir clothes at home and start learning to pack their own bags. If they bring only one change of clothes, then they wear that all weekend or daddy can wash it every night. My ss can pack for a weekend. However over Christmas he brought 4 shirts and 2 jeans for 11 days...? Dh did a lot of washing!

On a side note, are you pregnant or just tLking about having a baby? I can't remember what the original post said. If you are pregnant then get the room ready. If you are just talking about having a baby then slowly start transforming the room so he skids don't feel like they are being pushed aside for a kid that isn't even here yet. And like I said my ss sleeps on our couch. We have a 3br and 3 kids who live here fulltime. The baby doesn't have her own room either. When we do move into a bigger house, ss won't have a room either.

SteppingUp's picture

I second this...but I'd also like to add that they should have to wash their OWN clothes if they aren't going to pack enough. Eventually they'll realize it's easier to just pack the clothes and bring the dirty ones back to mommy's to get washed during the week. And if my some chance miracle they don't mind washing their own clothes, hooray! Won't hurt you any.

Gmama's picture

My Ss lives out of state so he packs his stuff,, or (they do it together)
so he goes home with what he came up in,, one time she sent these spongbob square pants lounge pants with him that I kid you not looked like Capris on him,, I couldn't take it(that one time) so I did buy him some jammy pants, BUT they stayed here,,
if thats her game screw that,, he has ALL American Eagle stuff and he told us at christmas she takes all his stuff to the good will when he out grows it. I'll be damn if I'm gonna send her a check everymonth AND buy clothes she gives away,,, she can kiss my ass,, Even his socks he leaves or looses here,, SHE can buy him new ones with her CS checks, the kids NEVER comes up with crappy looking crap again,, Nice shoes, name brand stuff to the hilt,, I had to laugh, this past christmas he came up looking pretty shabby,, for two weeks he was here,, the day he left DH called to make sure he got home safetly (he flys) and SS was PISSEED because she already had him at the barber cutting his hair,, I'm sure she thought we'd spring for a haircut for him..Not the first time shes done that one eather,, Blum 3

somerg's picture

that's my thing and my dh's thing, he paid her 765 (half his monthly income) to her in cs AND spousal support WHILE she lived with a man who had his own income AND received food stamps AND had a 2 jobs leaving the kids with the prospective sdad (at the time her bf) instead of calling DAD when she had to go to work at night!
(yes i reported to DHS about all that-and i guess something happened cause per an application dh and i JUST did for food assistance, she's JUST now back on) teh funny thing, when my dh filed for a modification, making her lose alimony, she could've EASILY made her bf move out and we would've had no real PROOF to the court that she gave up her own right to alimony...instead SHE MARRIED THE IDIOT!!!!! :jawdrop: i'm laughing my A$$ OFF so hard at that to this day!

that's one of the reason's i (and dh for that matter) REFUSE to buy clothes for them anymore even undies because if she hadn't "blown" all that money, she'd probably be doing fine right now....o well, no one likes it when karma comes to visit

SteppingUp's picture

Um, it sounds like these skids are old enough to pack their own bags and to pack enough underwear to wear for one weekend (or however long it is they stay with you). I'd put the responsibility on the skids.

In my situation, we have skid half time so we have everything he needs...he goes back and forth in clothes from either household, which sometimes leads to drama because we need something from BM's or whatever, but it works mostly. I do know other people who only have skids weekends and they pack a bag for the whole weekend. I think that's fine. But like I said, make it the skid's responsibility to pack their own stuff and have a talk with BM and the skids that they need to bring enough suitable clothing for the weekend.

unbelieveable's picture

We have the girls all day Saturday and half of the day Sunday until FH and I go to work...We have full dressors and shoes stashed here for them. When they come in - I change their clothes (which they think is awesome because they have two full closets - one with mom and one with us) and then I wash the clothes they had on and send them home in what they came in. I do this because we never get their clothes from our house back...their new shoes or boots come back trashed...their clothes are drenched with holes and stains (I think BM lets them purposely play in their good clothes....) so to save us a headache and an even bigger hole financially - we just have everything's easier...BM gets mad though because she wants us to buy everything plus pay cs and half of their unncessary medical bills....but oh well. If we have to work double time...she should work. period. and quit having more babies she can't afford. As far as the room thing goes...right now we are saving up to buy a house - we plan on getting atleast a 3 bedroom - the girls will share a room...we will have our own room...and the 3rd room will be an office - until and if we decide we would like another baby. Since we only have them over night - I don't think it will hurt sharing a room since they do at BM' your circumstance - they may think it's cool to crash on the couch? Set up a tent or something and they'll love it! Also, why is an overnight bag not packed if she knows you have nothing for them? It wouldn't hurt just to ask...or even put it in the kids head to bring an overnight bag - I see absolutely nothing wrong with that - my neice and nephew pack when they go to their dad's (my brothers) and it's no big deal. I don't see what kind of issue this would present - unless BM is a basket case.

bruisedpeach's picture

SD3 SS9 SS11

The only thing that comes is the school uniform as we have them EOW and oldest 1 night a week.
they come in clothes from the bm and bath and change the second they step foot in our house on friday nights. She only baths them twice a week and they all bath together. gross.
my ss11 has auspergers, has no friends, always has nits and lice (big prob in uk state school) so hes got it pretty tough as it is the last thing he needs is to be teased for having baths with his 3 yo sister once he goes to high school next year. so he showers at ours alone now while the other two have a bath together, which i still think is creepy.
i have to say sd3 loves a bath, must be like going to disneyland for her.

ddakan's picture

i would at least buy underwear and socks for them. you don't want them getting nasty yeast infections. you need to get used to this by teenage years because they go through them a LOT faster when they are learning about periods!

its a hygiene issue. what if you had to wear the same underwear all weekend too. that would suck, so don't make them do it.

i don't see an issue with the baby having the room. all of our bios and skids had their own bed in 3 shared rooms. they each had a place to call their own in our home. hopefully you can figure out where that is for each of the kids that visits.

simifan's picture

When BM had primary custody, SD got sent with the clothes on her back & that was it. We constantly got nasty notes or calls if something wasn't returned. Keep in mind we took her straight to school on Monday, I was not sending her in dirty clothes. I still remember the 3 page rant because she didn't come back in a $6.97 Walmart shirt. Nevermind the fact it was dirty, stained and we never got back the $30.00 Disney sweater she went to school in.

When we became primary, she takes a couple things, but DH won't let her take alot. The fact that she is old enough to be responsible for her things helps too.