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Emotionally abusive bioparents and choices.

Solidshadow7's picture

This is long, but please read it, I really need help. We are desperate and I apologize for being longwinded in advance.

So I've posted a few times on this forum. I know there are a lot of really negative people on here. I know in my last post I was called unstable for asking for help or offering it, and that was fun. I know I've read a lot of stuff on here, searching for people with similar experiences. And while I have found plenty of similar problems, there is scant little available in terms of actual functional advice on WHAT TO DO about it. (Other than leave your relationship, I'm pretty sure that's the most commonly dispensed advice on this forum, or disengage, which to me sounds kind of like you should live in a fantasy world inside of your head where you don't actually have stepchildren.)

But I digress, so onto the issue at hand. I have an SS who is 4. The situation is slightly more complicated and the adults are a little bit crazier than usual because of how he was conceived. My boyfriend and I took a break. During this break we were both seeing other people but still emotionally entangled. My boyfriend's side piece was afraid he would leave her and go back to me. So she sabotaged birth control to keep him. It worked. He left me. He didn't want to but felt like he had no choice. A few years later she got bored, moved on, and threw him out. Him and I worked it out, picked up where we left off and here we are. But so is SS4. And the completely crazy BM who basically does nothing but find ways to torture us. I've made a number of other posts about how insane she is, but I guess that doesn't matter right now.

The current custody arrangement is about 60/40 in the BM's favor. She has the school year, we have 3 weekends a month through Monday morning and the entire summer break. The court order is extremely poorly worded and she's been taking advantage of that at every opportunity because if it were up to her the child should have no father. MY DH has put himself way over his head in debt fighting for rights and custody of this child, and yes of course he loves his child, but its complicated. He didn't want this child, and he hates the fact that its existence hurts me. On some level he views SS as a product of rape and he is now being forced to coparent with the rapist. His pain is increased by the fact that the BM gave the child her last name and he comes from a very traditional family. On the other hand, its his child and he is responsible for it and the BM is a lousy parent in addition to being a lousy human being. Watching the BM's behavior and the way it is affecting his son is killing him. My DH is a good parent and a good partner. He puts me and the relationship first and he knows how to discipline. I guess I'm trying to say that I know 90% of the issues on steptalk are caused by dating people with children who doesn't know how to parent, or is entangled with their ex, or puts the child before the relationship. None of those issues here.

The BM's behavior which has been totally off the wall since he first served her for custody a year ago, has now devolved into severe emotional abuse of SS. I love SS and watching what she is doing to him is killing me. My DH is having the same issue. We need to find a way to protect this child, but after our first circus twilight zone alternative dimension roller coaster ride through family court, we don't have much faith in legal help. That and there's no money left to fight this after the first custody battle, during which the judge refused to hear testimony and review evidence. It was a 15 minute trial, and it cost about $15,000. The judge gives the same ruling and nonspecific CO in every custody case. So what does one do to save the child's psyche when rescuing him from his "mother" is not an option?

This is what she's doing.

1) SS comes almost every weekend since the trial last January. Comes for 10 days during spring break. Never mentions BM. Never says I want my mommy. Then he comes for the summer, which BM is very upset about because she goes a month without seeing him, with a week in between and then goes another month. Beginning as soon as he arrives, SS breaks down in hysterical tears about wanting his mommy. He spends 3 days completely inconsolable, screaming "My mommy's gone, my mommy's dead, my mommy's gone!!!!" He eventually calms down, doesn't mention her the rest of the month. Goes to visit her for a week, and comes back screaming "My mommys gone" "My mommys dead" and this time "You killed my mommy!" and is completely inconsolable for another 3 days. Does not do this on any subsequent weekends after the summer is over. Its only when the BM knows she won't see him for a month, and the behavior always begins immediately upon arrival.

2)About a month ago SS comes over acting weird and distant. At bedtime he suddenly bursts into hysterical tears. When asked about it, he says "I'm a bad boy." When we ask him why, he says its because "I am hurting my mommy." When we ask what he did to hurt his mommy he says "My mommy is crying. She cries all the time because I'm here. I'm a bad boy because I'm hurting my mommy and I make her cry."

3) DH calls SS while he is at BM's. SS hates talking on the phone. BM is heard talking to SS in the background. She says "Give me your toys" SS starts crying. She says "Now sit in the chair." SS cries "I don't want to sit, I want my toys." BM says "This is the talking to daddy chair. You will sit in this chair and you cannot get up and you cannot have toys until you're done talking to daddy." SS wails that he doesn't want time out until DH hangs up.

4)BM calls SS while he is with us. SS says "I don't like talking on the phone." BM says, "Well you have to. Every day. Because I am your mother. And you will be on the phone until you tell me that you love me and you miss me." SS carries on for 45 minutes while BM repeatedly says "I love you I miss you" until he relents and says it back.

5)DH drops SS off at school. SS tries to hug DH goodbye, but the BM forcefully picks him up as he's reaching to hug DH and he doesn't get to. SS starts screaming. She carries the screaming child away while my DH watches in horror. DH gets a visitor badge and goes to see SS's teacher. He comes across BM and SS while he's walking there. They don't see him. SS is screaming "I WANT MY DADDY!!" at the top of his lungs. BM is red faced and shaking, clearly furious with SS. She has his hands on his shoulders and more or less shaking him back and forth as he screams while going "STOP IT! MOMMY IS HERE! STOP IT NOW!!! NO!! MOMMY IS HERE, STOP!!!" SS sees DH, and immediately stops crying. BM lets go of him, turns to DH and screams "You're poisoning his mind against me!" DH tells SS to go to class, and then is basically chased out of the school by BM continuously shouting how he has no right to speak to the teacher and he better not set foot in the school again.

6)Friday DH goes to exchange to get SS. SS is screaming hysterically while clinging from BM's leg, "I want my mommy, I hate my daddy, I hate my daddy, I don't want to go with daddy, I hate my daddy." As soon as DH has him in the car he instantly stops screaming. They sit in silence for a while and SS says "I'm sorry daddy." So DH asks why he was acting that way. He replies "Because my mommy says you're a bad man, I got scared."

7) Saturday night SS starts crying that he wants his mommy. This quickly turns into him wailing "I want my mommy, I don't want my daddy, I don't like daddy, I want to see my mommy NOW!!!" It takes about an hour to get SS calm. Once he calms down, he keeps looking at the floor like he's ashamed. He finally says "I'm sorry daddy, I have to." "Mommy gets angry. She scares me. She puts me in timeout for having a daddy. I don't like timeout. I can't like daddy, I don't want timeout."

I am looking for help. And not disengage or leave your relationship help. DH and I were left in the extremely uncomfortable situation of trying to explain to a 4 year old how he should behave when he is around his mother so she doesn't damage him any further. We've told him to say "I want my grandpa" when he misses daddy because we don't know what else to do. We try to reinforce that neither mommy or daddy is "gone" they're just somewhere else. We have pointed out that BM is not crying when she calls him when he is with us. We have tried to explain that you only say I love you because you want to and not because you have to. We've told him never to talk to BM about his father no matter what out of fear she will lash out at SS again. The child is 4. This is the most horrific thing I have ever seen, she is destroying an innocent.

Both DH and I would like any advice anyone might have on how to parent a child who is being treated this way by his BM to mitigate some of the damage she is doing. Yes, DH has considered just walking away in the hopes that she won't find new reasons to hurt SS once the pesky father is out of the picture, but lets be real, a woman like that will find another reason. We can't watch this. We cannot afford to go to court again plus this stuff is going to be very difficult to prove. How far does "my 4 year old said" really go? I am literally crying as I write this, my DH beside himself and I am a wreck. Please help.

Comments

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Check your state's laws about recording the telephone calls. They could be amazing tools for a therapist to use. In our state only one party has to know that a recording is taking place.

Start filming EVERYTHING you can. Put up cameras in common area's of the home.

Basically what I'm getting at is build up the evidence and get doctor's help to show that emotional abuse is taking place. Once you get enough and have the support remove the child from her care by filing for protective custody if you believe that is possible.

Honestly I don't know if this will work. Talk with a lawyer? I understand you've been out alot of money already. Good luck.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

OH to add how to you parent. Honestly I don't have the answer. I have what we're doing to try and prevent the damage she will cause but no clue if it will work and even then it's not to say it will in another home.

We talk alot. The kids know they can ask any question and we will do our best to answer. If we can't we have books that we read.

We correct misinformation without placing blame.

We remind them what is their job as children and our job as adults. The kids know about bills but we remind them that it's our job to worry about it and so on.

We try to foresee what might be an issue in the future and approach it early. For example we talk about how they shouldn't be asked to keep secrets from their other parent and we wont ask them to do it. We talk about how they shouldn't have to hear people talk bad about their parents. So on.

I would also say again that your SS needs therapy. Even if the goal isn't to get him away but just to give him better coping tools. You guys can tell him 100 times that being away from mom isn't going to kill her. A therapist can break down the misinformation and help the child learn how to cope with this fear that is being created by BM.

blayze's picture

It's really sad how low a woman will sink.

The only suggestion I have may sound a bit unorthodox, but I would write a children's book, or a series of children's books. Make the main character very similar to your SS and show him his situation and how he has to behave to survive with both parents. I would go on Fiverr.com or upwork.com and get someone to illustrate the books. In like 8-10 two sentence pages show SS how to handle himself. Kids relate to stories (we all do). A friend of mine has been working on children's books to explain her daughter's dad's absence as he has to go out of town all the time. I believe it could work to help your SS feel more control over his situation and know how to behave. If he has to act a certain way as to not piss off mom, let him off the hook a bit by showing the hero of the book doing the same thing, but feeling "at peace" or comfortable as soon as he's around dad.

I'm sure this is so hard on you and DH. (((BIG HUGS TO YOU BOTH))) I've watched an adult be abused in a work situation and it brought me to tears on a near daily basis. I can't imagine watching a kid being blatantly abused without doing everything I could to bring his CRIMINAL mother to justice. What a b!tch mom...I hope she suffers for what she's doing.

mommadukes2015's picture

1. SS needs to see a counselor-I would start with the one at school.
2. Make sure your time with SS is consistent and comfortable which doesn't mean not having normal consequences for normal misbhavior. Make any consequences for normal misbehavior predictable so SS knows what the rules are and what happens if he breaks them-you know structure.
3. ANY calls with BM in your home should be screened and based on your states laws-recorded.

I feel terribly sorry for this little boy. All you can do is document and collect as much evidence of this abuse as possible.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I agree big time with the consequences. Children actually feel safer then if it's a free for all. Children don't really want to be in charge. They need us to be adults. Don't let BM's behavior impact this aspect of your life.

The kids get away with murder with her and over all it causes ongoing issues. The biggest and hardest one to deal with is that the kids behavior impacts their social interactions. Hearing a 4 year old tell you "I don't want friends" because his behavior pushes them away, hurts.

Acratopotes's picture

I would get SS with a therapist..... you do not need her approval....

for a whole month and then with the therapist I will go back to court.. clearly BM is telling this kid crap and he's very young,

Solidshadow7's picture

An issue with the therapist- We have the child from 6:30pm on Friday until 8:30am on Monday. My DH brings him to school on Monday morning, (where BM typically waits to snatch him away) its an hour and a half from us. There are no therapists during those hours.

We already ran into this issue when SS was 3 and still non-verbal and we suspected autism. In fact, in February BM lied and called CPS and said we gave SS a black eye, and when the caseworker came to investigate she also suspected autism. She offered an autism evaluation through child find which we accepted, and then she later cancelled because even CPS could not find a therapist for the child during our time with him.

Our next opportunity to take SS to see someone will be in May 2018, by which point I doubt SS will still be speaking to either of us.

In the absence of doctors and therapists any ideas?

Acratopotes's picture

there's people working on Saturdays, if the situations is explained they will help you..

or simply wait till he's with you for his full month of holiday.... then take him every second day..

ESMOD's picture

The child needs a therapist. period. I don't think this is something you are going to be able to deal with without some professional help. The kid may have naturally clingy and separation anxiety and not have the emotional tools to sooth himself. It sounds like transitions BOTH ways are issues for him.

I would start with his school right now and expand your search until you find someone that can see him at least a few times a month on your schedule.

I guess you could even try to involve CPS if you feel he is being abused emotionally or otherwise (like being forced into his timeout area when speaking with his dad). Unfortunately, they are generally very overloaded and this case while troubling doesn't necessarily rise to the level of kids who are being beaten and starved or sexually assaulted.

At home, you and your DH need to reassure him that everyone's heart is big enough to love more than one person. He can love mommy and daddy too.. plus grandparents etc.. the heart stretches to love lots of people. You can tell him, that maybe mommy doesn't understand that and it scares her... but he is not a bad boy for loving his mommy or daddy.

It does sound like he will learn to "tell mommy what she wants to hear" even if he doesn't mean it. It does sound like he really struggles with the in between...and again a professional would be the best person to help him navigate all of this.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

First thought, DH has got to stop with the "coparenting with a rapist." She was his side piece, sexual relations happened, but those were by choice. Her sabotaging birth control just shows she's a sly b****, but not a rapist (DH's ex did the same thing so he couldn't leave. Makes it tricky for the woman who comes later and actually loves the man... So I get why that would frustrate you, though maybe not so much because I didn't meet DH until after BM had gotten bored... for years... and he kept forgiving her for the kids... and it had already fallen apart because she was abusive and a w****.) Mistakes happen, she's a sly b****, but in no way a rapist. You do the dirty with crazy and there's always a risk of having a kid with crazy, sabatoged birth control, or even failed birth control. It sucks, but it is what it is. And I'm sorry for that...

As for her actions, they can literally be defined as alienation, which courts HATE. My Skids come back with similar responses... or stories of "mommy says you're not a parent," "mom said you're the ones keeping us apart," or most recently just acting like I don't exist (that was fun). Basically BM is green with jealousy and doesn't care about her kids happiness as long as she maintains control. She's a narcissist, and those made damn awful parents. Best advice, DOCUMENT THE S*** OUT OF EVERYTHING. Daily journals, with specific dates, are normally a good idea for the courts: the fact the four year old is so conflicted isn't something courts like. She may still be involved, but you may be able to get better and more specific wording in, particularly to protect SS4 and give you something to hold her in contempt of court for if she keeps hurting him. I'd suggest trying to make sure phone calls get put in there too with specifics, cuz it sounds like he's getting some crazy turmoil, I'm just glad our BM started partying again... So for the most part she leaves the Skids alone and pretends they don't exist (unless she needs something or has to contribute to her MOTY look... *eye rill*)

Hang in there and be patient with the poor kid, particularly when you know it's lies fed by BM... Trust me, I know they till hurt, but it's literally nothing personal against you, he just doesn't know what else to do.

ESMOD's picture

I also agree with him needing to knock off the "rapist" angle. He willingly slept with her and virtually ALL birth control has a failure rate... so he was putting himself in the position of possibly creating a child. She may have stacked the odds in her favor (or not, and that's just a convenient story to tell you because it makes him look better) but she didn't force him to have relations.

That doesn't negate the fact that she seems very toxic.. but using the word rapist is pretty hurtful to those who have really experienced real sexual assaults.

Thumper's picture

This child is 4 and this couple is unmarried. She calls him her boyfriend then calls him husband. .

Dad always has the option to drop any visitation and pay max amount of child support shouldn't be a lot more since he appears to have rock bottom standard junk. Have his lawyer run the numbers and see.

OR
Next, I will assume you are misusing the word school. The child is likely in Day Care, correct. I know small potato's . For me words are important.
Day care workers are mandated reporters, so are educators. Unless I missed it and that is always a possibility, how is your boyfriends sons behavior in "school".Boyfriend should ask for all reports on son, AND sit down with director and ASK.

Find a child PSYCOLOGIST and make an appointment. He/she will be the only one trained to sort this out. NOT even cps has the capacity to figure this out. They are not trained enough. That is why Dr's are Dr's.

In my opinion FaceTime may be easier for a 4 year old than a telephone conversation.

To put this in a nut shell and sequence....1.call the 'day care' make an appointment to meet TOMORROW with teacher and director. Get the pulse of boyfriends sons behavior there. Is he socially equal to his peers, does he say the same things at school that he does at your house?

2. Also TODAY- find a child psychologist in your area , make an appointment even it is just for your and boyfriend to tell them what is going on.

3. Ask boyfriend if he wants to stop visitation. NO huffing or puffing on your part. Remember your not party to this case. HE is and so is BM.

OP how old are you?

DaizyDuke's picture

You ALL need to stop putting this child in the middle of adult problems. And yes, you are ALL doing it. You should never encourage a 4 year old to lie, or keep secrets. NEVER. Do you know how much stress and anxiety that can put on a child? And why are ALL of you forcing a 4 year old to talk on the phone? Hell, I'm 46 and I hate talking on the phone. Why would you put a 4 year old through that. What is wrong with calling with your SO calling and saying "Hi Johnny, just wanted to say good night and I love you" and that's the end of it? And when BM is calling your house, give her a 5 minute time limit and hang up. Your house your rules.

I understand that the things you are doing are based in love and also fear for your SS, but they are wrong. You really need to seek out professional help for yourselves and this little boy ASAP. Listen, it's kind of like pain management for my DH. He was injured on the job and his neck is all screwed up. Surgery is risky and not a guarantee fix, so rather than pop pills he went to a pain management clinic. He realized that the pain is not going to go away, so this clinic taught him how to manage the pain. Same thing goes for BM. She's not going to go away and your SO should not have to walk away from his child, you all just need to learn how to handle her antics in a way that's best for SS4. A professional can help you with this.

still learning's picture

So your guy was sleeping around with several women, got one of them pregnant and is crying rape...really? I feel sorry for this kid because you say his existence hurts you, your boyfriend never wanted him and he's separated from his mother who actually wants to be around the child. Your boyfriend waited until he was 3 to file for custody, why then? Was it at your insistence?

Poor kid is all I have to say.

secret's picture

I don't think she said the dh said it was rape... I think she means that he's comparing it to rape, because he's now stuck with a child he didn't want, because she sabotaged birth control in an effort to trap him.

Anyhoo..

amyburemt's picture

Read up on PAS because he is exhibiting some of the red flags for it. (Parental Alienation Syndrome) and with him being 4, it's going to be terrible. Unfortunately it's a relatively new Syndrome and there is a big push in several states to get it recognized as a form of emotional abuse. Some of the things they suggest is to keep a stable household on your end with boundaries and consequences(appropriate for his age) when those boundaries are broken. Don't badmouth his mom, don't talk about court etc. You will probably have a lot of things he says that don't make sense that you will have to counteract. Start developing his critical thinking skills by asking questions. such as if he says "i'm a bad boy because i'm hurting mommy" then start questioning gently but pull logic in behind it. how are you hurting mommy if you love mommy. how are you a bad boy when you do (this this and this...insert examples here). then follow up with how he's good or what he does good and well for his age and how smart he is and how much you guys love him. At 4, this will be hard to deal with. He doesn't have an adult mind to be able to think like the adults in his life and adults basically have to get on a childs level to really see what they are dealing with. Also document everything. You may not go to court now, but in the future that could change and you will need that for backup. And disconnect from her craziness as much as possible. If she's speaking or emailing about ss normally, then you can respond. If she's acting all nuts, ignore it completely. I would probably talk to his school counselor or get him in to see a counselor when dh has him.