You are here

Well, you guys called it

SMto2's picture

Over the weekend, we had a bday party for SGD8 at our lake house. As with the party for SGD6 in the fall, DH did all the coordinating with SS26, I bought a cake and added decorations to it, had minimal party decor and ordered in food, so it was minimal effort, which was great. BM had a party for her the day before, and SS26 made 2 posts on social media from the party with 20 photos and/or videos. I stupidly wondered if SS26 would post any pics from our party, as SS26 was actually friendly and even hugged me when he arrived and left, totally initiated by him. But nope, nothing posted by SS26 about our party, which should be no surprise by now.  

Keep in mind this was the 3rd time SS has been to our lake house since we bought it 7    mos ago--once for each SGD's bday and Christmas, so all gift-giving occasions. They've been at BMs about 1/2 hour away for overnight visits several times a month. The minute SGDs arrived at the lake house, they wanted to go swimming in the lake (it was about 40 degrees lol.) and mentioned many times they couldn't wait til summer. As SS26 was leaving, he told us they'd definitely plan to visit more "once it's summer." Hmmmm. So they can only come for gift-giving occasions, unless it's "lake season." 
 

I can't say I'm surprised by this, and I'm sure none of you are, as many of you predicted that would be the case. And I wonder when they're all on our new pontoon  boat, getting pulled on the tubes, going down our water slide into the lake, using our new outdoor hot tub, playing pool and  enjoying all things "lake" if SS26 will ever post pics. I'm guessing it will be like our prior vacations with them, and he'll post none of us, as though he's at a lake house with just him and his family. Just thought you all who predicted this would like to know you were right!

Comments

tog redux's picture

Can I suggest that you just stop looking at SS26's social media?  It seems like your husband is fine with how it's going, you are fine with your diminished role in planning, and the only thing that chafes still is that he doesn't post pictures of anything done with you guys.  Ask yourself if you'd feel the relationships with them are decent if you didn't look at social media - and if the answer is yes, then unfollow him and stop looking.

This is his issue, one that honestly doesn't have anything to do with you guys. He still has an unhealthy relationship with BM and that might go on for the rest of his life. 

On the other hand, if you still feel that he takes advantage of you guys, then more changes are needed.

SMto2's picture

Yes, I think this is good advice. I think it's painfully obvious he's trying not to upset BM or her family by posting pics having fun with us. For a while I was angry that he didn't seem to mind how that would make us feel, but now I think it's best just to accept that's the way it is and move on. I have "liked" his posts of events with BM (including the 2 birthday posts this past weekend) so he knows I saw them, but in the future, I'm going to try to steer clear.

Winterglow's picture

Have you ever considered posting a plethora of pics from the event on social media yourself?  Even if only to see what happens when you do Smile

SMto2's picture

Yep, sure have! Lol. There have been mixed reactions by SS26. Sometimes he's copied a pic I posted (of just him and SGDs, never DH, our bios or me) and reposted it without liking my post.  Sometimes he has ignored my posts altogether. This past weekend, he liked a couple pics I posted, but not the post itself. I think he doesn't mind me posting pics, since I'm not "friends"  with BM or her clan, so none of them can see them like they could if SS26 posted them himself. Funny how these little games work.

DPW's picture

I'm definitely not surprised but I can see it still bothers you. You have, in a sense, accepted these new ways with your DH, now you'll have to accept them overall or you'll drive yourself nuts. Like tog said, stop looking at the social media, accept them for who they are, and make yourself comfortable while they are there, no consideration to them. 

MissK03's picture

Lots of social media posts are a skewed version of reality. IMO. 

Example: my uncle and his "fiancé" constantly post lovey stuff or tag each other in memes or whatever. Realty: they have no relationship and fight constantly. I don't even know why they are still together... 

So on that note, I get where you would want to be included  in his post (as a sign of appreciation) but, the only person it seems to be affecting is you. 

I would either stop following (can still be friends) so you don't see his post. Or accept that it's the reality of your situation and no one is really going to pay attention who is in the posts themselves. 
 

It's clearly all about not "hurting" poor BM over shallow Facebook posts. I would stop stressing over the social media. It's fake most of the time anyways. 

SMto2's picture

Oh no doubt it is fake most of the time. Lol. What has bothered me is not posting anything with DH, as though it didn't happen, and then posting to excess events with BM. The silence of posts with DH is deafening. But now I'm going to try to tune it out for the sake of my sanity and the relationships, not just with SS26 and family, but with DH.

advice.only2's picture

Spawn used to do stuff like this, she would only post photos of events she and Meth Mouth attended. Despite living with us full time she never posted anything she did with us. But Spawn also like to push the false narrative that she was being raised solely by Meth Mouth and DH was an absent father.

I'm not saying your SS is that smart or cunning, but if he does push a false narrative that his father is very absent from his life and doesn't do much with him, he would look really stupid posting all sorts of photos of his dad doing stuff for him and his family.

SMto2's picture

So funny how these kids want to skew reality. SS26 has definitely pushed a false narrative in the past that DH "abandoned" him. (Flashback to about 10 years ago, DH & I showing up at a "concert "--about 20 sweaty teenagers at a hall--while SS26 was estranged from DH of SS26's "band" where they performed a song SS26 wrote about DH and had the crowd chanting "you left me," all while we were standing right there. Lol.)  I don't know that he pushes that so much now. BM knows they see us and vacation with us.  I do think there's an element that he doesn't want her to see them having fun with us.

tog redux's picture

I think alienated kids are masters of self-deception, at least my SS21 is. He really doesn't see things how they truly are. It's similar to being in a cult.  They are afraid to challenge these false beliefs, and afraid to upset the cult leader.  So they just push them down and go along with the false narrative.

Tried out's picture

Deleted.

ESMOD's picture

You know.. It does occur to me that despite the fact that my YSD chooses to vacation with us etc.. that she rarely posts pics with us.. she will ususally just post pics of herself in that location.  I know that she does that because despite the fact that she is an adult.. BM still "punishes" her for any time she knows she spends with us... so she just minimizes that on her social media.. 

Why they choose to plaster the other celebration pics... maybe because they know that your DH doesn't resent that they spend time with BM..but they can't post the reverse?

It isn't fair.. and honestly, I don't feel used by my SD at all.. and understand the fine line she has to walk because of her mom... I know how much she values her relationship with me and her dad.. so there is no question that she enjoys the time she spends with us.. it just isn't something she is going to plaster online... and for who's benefit is that anyway?  Who are those posts for?  to brag?  to impress someone? I'm perfectly fine if my life isn't documented for strangers and distant relatives TBH.. 

It's like people who would use facebook to send invites to a family event.. why?  why aren't you calling your parents.. siblings and inviting them in person?   Facebook seems a weird place to arrange family stuff imho.

SMto2's picture

Your words about the fine line your SD has to walk and thinking she enjoys her time with you and your DH really resonates with me. I feel sure both SSs, but especially SS26, feels this way about BM. And he's never in a hurry to leave when he visits. He stays for hours, seems relaxed and talks  the whole time (mainly with DH, and always about superficial subjects, such as sports, nothing personal) which I guess means he enjoys his time with us. I suppose that's as good as it's going to get, and it could be worse.

Thumper's picture

I don't understand the need to blast  family pictures and family going's on ON FB either. It's foreign to me. Also a safety concern.

Allow me to add this for perspective....I wish I had 1.00 for every happy, pleasent, smililing family photo used in abuse/neglect cases by the perps. Little kids  "SMILE" for the camera. Teens "SMILE".  SEE how happy they are in our family happy happy happy (BARF)

I wont even bring up BM and her family photos.....Family moto "we are family"

Not all things are what they appear. Try to remember that.

Take a break from social media snooping Wink IF you can.

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

As someone who didn't realize until she was in her late 20s/early 30s just how much their perception of their father was poisoned by their mother, I have some sympathy and empathy for this situation.

If your SS is like me, he is realizing that his BM wasn't totally truthful in the crap she spewed about Dad and his family. However, realizing that BM was wrong, spiteful, etc doesn't take away the love and affection for BM. It also doesn't mean that relationships with Dad are magically fixed, especially if there is any shame in how he acted or any truth to what BM said.

Even as an adult, there is a lot of emotions you have to process and figure out how to move forward. Do you disown your BM for exaggerating the truth? Did they fully exaggerate the truth? Has your dad actually changed for the better and was a d**k like your BM said? If you don't know the answer, do you offer a clean slate to see where it goes or distance yourself from both of them? Do you say to hell with it and tell your parents to be adults and keep their thoughts and opinions to themselves?

If SS is genuinely conflicted (and I can't tell you if he is or is just being selfish), then the easiest way forward is to build a "secret relationship" with Dad and throw BM off the scent by doting on her in public and not changing the routine. Depending on how much of a b***h BM is, that may be the most SS can offer where he doesn't lose a parent. It sucks for Dad, but it also sucks for SS that his mom put him in a position where he can't just have relationships with both his parents.

I say give it another year and see what happens. I think I started realizing just how much my mom was the problem about 3 years ago, and I'm just now to the point where I'm telling her to not complain to me about my dad or how she felt as a parent. I still catch myself favoring my mom over my dad. I still catch myself referring to my mom and SF as my "parents" and my dad as just my dad. I still rely more on my mom and SF before thinking my dad might be helpful. It's years and years worth of little habits that I have to break, but I have to recognize them first to break them.

Again, your SS could just be a d**k who is mooching off you all. But, I did want to provide another perspective. If your DH and you aren't putting pressure on him to prove loyalty and show off your relationship, then he's not going to jump through those loops like he will with his mom. He won't post pictures because that will cause more trouble than just not posting anything at all. If anything, not posting about his time with you all can be seen as a compliment because it means you don't require a performance the way BM does. Those performances get really tiring really fast.

SteppedOff's picture

I wholeheartedly agree with a previous suggestion. Stop looking at his social media...it is almost like looking for a problem. It is my opinion that social media causes so many problems for so many people. I have never had a public account like that and never will. I prefer to just live my life how I want to live it and hope others are doing the same...the pretend beautiful life someone else can hang on.

You know the issue exists...it is most definitely his problem. A lake house, your home, a park...it doesn't matter where you host, this man is unwilling or unable to standup to his mom. If it causes you so much angst just stop hosting all together. Explain to him why and how much it affects you and move on. He can host his own birthday party for his child. Problem solved...easy fix!

thinker's picture

I'm with the other posters who suggest you stop looking at social media.  It creates such a fake, distorted reality, and leaves so many of us feeling unnecessarily bad.  I still have accounts, but I try to only check in on a weekly or monthly basis, and I don't post much anymore because I want to keep my best, most intimate, happy moments to myself.  May you have much happiness in your amazing new lake home!