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Finally as it should be

SMto2's picture

When I last blogged in July after the "family vacation" at our lake house, I said we probably would not have any contact with SS27 until youngest SGD's birthday this month. Turns out not only did we not hear from him, but DH reached out to SS27 about the birthday. SGD7's birthday fell on a weekend that we were out of state due to Parent's Weekend at DS20's school. SS27 posted numerous pics on social media of her "birthday weekend" with BM, including fall festivities and her party. I decided this year I would be completely OUT of this process--NO party with elaborate decorations, no custom cake, no mess to clean up for them to be completely ungrateful for and to be snubbed on social media.

Therefore, DH made arrangements to meet SS27 & family at a restaurant for SGD7's birthday. DH shopped online for and wrapped all her gifts. I had to work late that evening, so I didn't even go. No pictures were posted online, and I'm fairly certain,  none were taken. As far as the world could see, GUBM throughly celebrated the birthday and slack @ss DH did nothing. Oh, well. The most awesome part of this for me is, for the first time I can remember, I have NO resentment and don't feel slighted, since I did absolutely nothing and gave them no opportunity to slight me.

Processing all this, so many wise comments to me from my prior blogs ring true and have finally sunken in, including that this is a transactional relationship, where we give and SS27 and family take; we are not family to them.  So very true!  My DH accepts this treatment to keep from being estranged. That is his choice. However, I feel so good that I opted out of this awful treatment by these awful people. I won't say that I'll never see them again (there will be Christmas, after all!) but I'll continue to do the least amount possible. Any illusions I had about being family to them are gone. No need to spend time fretting over it, as I can't change it. I wish I'd come to this realization a long time ago, but better late than never! I hope my experience can help someone else reach this realization a lot sooner.


SMto2's picture

I don't know if I've quite arrived, but I'm on the right road at least. lol. Thanks so much for all your time and thoughts.

harmony98's picture

I feel so much more relaxed since i stopped being bothered.

Kes's picture

Hooray!  Happy to read the conclusions you have reached, and that you have stopped being everyone's unpaid servant. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Welcome to the sane side, isn't it great? Enjoy the fresh air and clear view!

The peace and sense of balance is priceless, as is realizing we are never too old to have a personal growth spurt.

Keep in mind, there will still be bumps in the road. Change is messy; people often backslide, and some may resent the new norm once they realize the lack of your emotional labor means less good stuff for them. You're changing a pattern that has existed for a long time, and just because you're getting healthier doesn't mean others will.

Stay classy, but stay the course.There's so much joy and satisfaction to be gained from living an authentic life. Three cheers for you!


SMto2's picture

Yes, it's taken many years and many slights to get here, but it feels good to break free. Your help and "straight talk" has been invaluable to me. Thank you!

Cover1W's picture

Yes! Good job. Now stick with it. The holidays are the worst, bit if you can disengage from most of it, even better!

CLove's picture

Great job, this was good practice for Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years - the Holiday Trifecta.

Im going to be doubleing down this holiday season. Already planning on which 30$ gift card to give only Sd15 Backstabber, and all the other things I need to realign with.

SMto2's picture

Good for you!! And yes, the Holidays Cometh. lol. Good luck!! And thank you so much for always chiming in with support.

SMto2's picture

All of you have given me great advice and courage to disengage from this situation, and I appreciate it so very much! In fact, I go back and read my prior blogs from time to time to help me continue to process what happened in the past and how I can prevent it in the future. I know it will always be a struggle, but I feel like I have a clear view of it and can better handle each situation as it comes. Thank you again!