Father's Day question/update
Aren't Father's Day and Mother's Day the worst when you're a SP? I'm the one whose BM contacted DH about buying a laptop for SS23 to go back to college and take online classes. We haven't seen or talked with SS23 since he came for Christmas. We learned he secretly married his gf a few months ago, and when DH found out about a month after the fact, he called SS23 to talk and left a VM and got no response. I sent SS23 a FB message congratulating him and no response. (I also clicked to follow him on Instagram and have since learned he's blocked me.)
Anyway, the update, DH DID email BM back and tell her he was glad SS23 is going back to college and to contact him directly about the laptop. This was early in the week, and he's heard crickets, which I suspected would be the case. DH now seems to have a "burr" because I think he sent that email because I reminded him he promised that's how he'd handle all requests from BM for $ after SSs were 18, and now he's afraid it will be spun against him to make the situation even worse. (Ex: BM to SS23: "I tried to get your Dad to help you by getting your laptop and he wouldn't...") My DH's "mood" also could be that Father's Day is this weekend, and it stirs up so many emotions and shines a light on dysfunctional relationships.
So, speaking of Father's Day, the question I have is, we are meeting oldest SS25, his wife and 2 kids on Sunday to take them to dinner for Father's Day in the same town where SS23 and his wife live. (About 2 hours away, where they grew up with BM.) Should I send a FB to message to SS23 and/or his wife to see if they'd like to meet us there?? I feel like there's no right answer here. I asked DH a week or so ago if he wanted me to do that, and he said he would feel as though it was asking SS23 to come celebrate what a great father he is (though he really is!) even though SS23 obviously doesn't think so. I have no idea if they would come, and I really don't want to be the one to have to make every effort and make every contact based on money. Of course, we'd buy them dinner, as we will the rest of the group. SS23 hasn't bought DH ANYTHING (even when he's come for Christmas to get his dozen or so gifts) for as long as I can remember.However, I hate seeing my DH down and depressed, so anything I did would be for him. I'm thinking I should just leave it alone. However, the kinder side of me wonders if I should reach out. I just don't want to be used for $. Thanks for any thoughts!
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I would invite him. It makes
I would invite him. It makes sense to, it doesn't make sense not to, especially since you are saying the invite would come from you.
After the way SS23 has
After the way SS23 has treated you and your DH, he doesn't deserve to be invited at all, whatsoever IMHO. Even, if the event were right next door to his house, he still doesn't deserve to attend.
There is not much you can do about a disrespectful adult skid who treats his father like dirt. Perhaps asking your DH about inviting this adult brat is reminding your DH of what a disrespectful son he really has.
The hateful adult skids I've had to deal with have not got any less hateful toward me and my DH as they age.
Best of luck in the future.
I have one skid who shows up
I have one skid who shows up to things and at least makes a minimal effort with his dad, and one skid like your SS23. I passed the invitation torch to the eldest. I tell SS he should invite his sister and he does. Sometimes she shows up, but most of the time she doesn't. I'm not going to invite her myself, but like you, I want to do the "right" thing for DH. This way, I'm not really involved so the snubs don't feel so personal. You could try asking the older SS to pass it along and maybe you will experience similar results.
I love this idea!
And it turns out, that's exactly what happened! I decided to ask SS25's wife if I should invite SS23, and she offered to text him and invite him. I thought that was perfect because that way, he can't say he wasn't invited. And then, of course, if he doesn't show up, SS25 will also know SS23 was invited. It's probably not ideal for him to come, and he probably won't, but at least he can't say no one invited him, which I think is worth it.
I wouldn't invite him. To me
I wouldn't invite him. To me it would be a glutton for punishment to continue reaching out to someone who only gives you their @ss to kiss, time & time again. He's a grown man, time to treat him like one. It's Father's day afterall and if anyone should be doing any contact it should be his son calling him. I know you feel for your H but he's going to have to ride this out and deal with the inconsiderate son he has. You can't save him from hurting OP. Stop trying to make it better because you can't. It's out of your control. You enjoy Father's day with H and make it special for him.
Vote for disengagement
How do you invite someone who you where not the one who started the problem. It’s ok not to talk to you for six months. It ok not to be invited to your wedding. It’s ok not to respond to my texts. But let me buy you lunch and kiss your @ss. So you can do more snubbing. No stay out of it. SM is always wrong. It will be all your fault
"I asked DH a week or so ago
"I asked DH a week or so ago if he wanted me to do that, and he said he would feel as though it was asking SS23 to come celebrate what a great father he is..."
IMO, your DH's answer is NO, do NOT invite SS23.
Do NOT call/message SS23. He blocked you.on Instagram. Don't chase after someone who has blocked you.
The skids are adults. There is no reason for your DH to continue to entertain BM and her BS.
Yea i think i would extend
Yea i think i would extend the invite and if he brings up a laptop or money, shut him down, hes wayyyy to old to think his parents have to be 100% responible for his needs especially if hes married!!. I was married young as well and would litteraly destroy my husband for feeling so entitled, let alone having to have his mom or dad invite US to go out for mothers/fathers day. they should be taking their parents out for mothers/fathers day in my opnion they are way to old for this nonsence. parents are not ATMs. Anytime i get t spend with my mom is my mom time not lets see what we can squeese out of them the nerve....
I knew there would be
I knew there would be comments on both sides of this, and I think if anything, it validates why I feel so torn about it. I posted above, I ended up asking SS25's wife if I should invite SS23. I told her that DH called SS23 after we found out he was married and SS23 didn't call DH back. She suggested she be the one to invite SS23, which I thought was a great idea! I have no idea if he will come, but either way, I have a clear conscience. I'll let you all know what happens!