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DH finally sees it, & preparing for holidays

SMto2's picture

Hello, all, My last blog was about SS26 posting multiple times on social media with pics of SGD6's  bday party at BM's and none of our party that took place the next day. As I think I mentioned, we had the party at our new lake house, and besides the party, my DH built a fire in the fire pit for SGDs to make s'mores and also dragged out all the fishing gear at SGDs' request and helped them fish off our dock, their very first time fishing. Well, a week later, BM took SS26 & family on a weeklong "tour" of our state, and SS26 made multiple posts on social media documenting almost every minute, with over 60 photos! (Pics of the cabin they rented, making s'mores in the fire pit, riding horses, hiking, etc.) DH saw this & mentioned to ME that he noticed SS26 posted all that with BM & NOTHING with him. DH also commented he thinks this "trip" was BM's way of countering/overcompensating for our lake house, similar to how BM had some fun party, exciting trip, etc.  set to begin EVERY TIME we were returning SSs from vacation when SSs were growing up. 

DH said  it's obvious SS26 doesn't want to post any pics from activities with DH, yet posts to excess the minutiae of activities with BM, to ensure BM knows she's #1. (And DH is not ranked. Lol.) He realizes it's a superficial relationship that will never improve (at least not while BM is living) and that both SSs will only come around when it's a gift-giving occasion for them. After 21 years of marriage to DH, it was nice to not have DH defend SS26 or BM, for once, and to hear him honestly assess the situation, painful as it may be. Still, DH doesn't want to sever the relationship, but I gather he wants to limit it to the minimum contact, which obviously will include visits for Christmas and birthdays.

As for me, I've had a couple conversations with DH about how I feel. I've told him I will NEVER post any pics of SSs, SDILs or SGDs on social media EVER again for them to steal and repost the pics without us in them and erase us from events. I've told him I no longer consider SGDs "my" GDs. I won't be unkind to them, but I'll treat them like the children of a distant relative or neighbor, as someone here suggested. Then I have no reason to want to post their pics on social media. SS26 wants to write me out of events, he's got it.
Also as I previously mentioned, we no longer will be taking SS26 and family and SS24 and his DW  (6 people) on an annual beach vacation that we fully fund. DH will invite them to our lake house for a week, and I likely will only be there a few nights (the big bonus of it being under 1.5 hours from our home.) Another bonus is that the amount we paid annually to rent the beach house covers six MONTHS of payments on our lake house! 

The only sad/weird/disappointing thing about the whole situation is that we have to be subjected to these people who don't care about us during the holidays, when you want to be with loved ones. However, I'm determined to keep a healthy attitude of detachment, expect absolutely NOTHING from SKs and just try to enjoy life, reminding myself we see them so infrequently, they are insignificant to our life. (Oh, and to keep plenty of alcohol on hand when they're there! Lol.)

I'm still learning, and I so appreciate everyone here who has offered advice or support to help me navigate this situation. 


tog redux's picture

Good for you! I think you stepping back made your DH be honest with himself about the dynamic there.

As for Christmas, since they are adults with families of their own, there is no need to spend lots of time together - just a few hours to exchange gifts (or pleasantries if they refuse to give you guys gifts).

Your SS's are reaching the age when alienated kids start to figure it out in many cases. It will be interesting to see what they figure out, if anything, once DH steps back and stops allowing himself to be mistreated.

SteppedOut's picture

These skidults would prefer presents/money just be sent anyway. Maaaaaybe they would put the effort in to picking them up off the porch. No need to see anyone. That way they can open them and take pics with bm in the background so it looks like she got them! 

CLove's picture

Like Cyndie Lauper sang.

Yes, so glad that you are protecting your heart (and $$$) from the unappreciative skidults. 21 years is a LONG a$$ time to be "blind". Better late than never?

At this rate, your lakehouse will be paid off within a few years...

JRI's picture

You did the right thing to step back and let him see the reality.  They will be in his life forever but you guys (him especially) have a much more realistic picture.  Sad, you sound like generous people.  Oh well. "Mental health is an ongoing dedication to reality at all costs".

SMto2's picture

I'm circling back to try to thank those who commented nd to respond. I tried several times shortly after I posted it, but kept getting an error message. You all are very right that my stepping back has allowed DH to see how SSs really are. It's just a sad, painful process.