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Weekend Away

SMom2638's picture

So let me just start out by saying it's 2:30am and I'm "on vacation" and ready to go home. In fact I was ready to go home yesterday. Planned a fun weekend away with my boyfriend and his kids only to find myself sleeping on the couch. 

I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years now. The kids knew me prior to us being together and we've had a good relationship. We moved in together last year.

We have times at home where I will have a "girls night" with my so 7 year old daughter. We do a fun activity and she invites me to sleep over with her. I typically sleep on the floor in her room. I've had a relationship with the daughter since she was 2. 

It's been challenging with bm and her fun games. It took awhile but my so son who is 10 is having a better relationship with me again. BM likes to triangulate and make the kids feel bad for having fun with is, especially me. 

This is the first time we took the kids away for the weekend. My SO has taken them on his own a few times so nothing new to them, except this time I'm here. I planned what I thought would be a fun getaway not to far, just the weekend, something for everyone. I've had nothing but anxiety and hopelessness since about two hours into our trip. 

I'll save the minor details of my anxiety issues with crowds, but I managed through it. Couldn't wait to get back to the hotel to relax from a long day. 

The kids SOtalked about staying up and watcing tv and where they would sleep. SO daughter continually asked me where I was going to sleep. I guess BM got to her and told her she didn't have to sleep with me, which if she didn't want to fine but I wish I would have known this in advanced. So right now everyone is sound asleep in a bed and I'm on the couch. It sucks. I want to not cause anymore stress at the kids expense when BM grills them about their time with us, but now I feel like I'm under constant stress and not feeling part of a family. I know sometimes my expectations are too high, but I honestly felt this trip away wouldn't be a big deal. Instead I'm feeling very angry, frustrated and hurt. My boyfriend is supportive and I know he was upset that I ended up sleeping on the couch cause I didn't want to add stress to the kids, but when is enough enough? 

Comments

lieutenant_dad's picture

This. No matter which set of parents we were with, we slept on the couch/floor/chair/in the tent. Kids are made of rubber and can sleep anywhere.

Actually, I'm at my aunt's house now with my mom, and guess who got the couch as a woman in her 30s? Yep, me. We've even chatted about how, growing up and staying in this 3 bed-1 bath house, we'd manage to get 10 people to sleep here. Never once did the kids get the bed, and we only got couches if they were available.

Talk to your BF. Sleep with him and set the kids up with a "pillow fort" on the ground. Pretend it's indoor camping and make it fun, and don't worry about what BM is going to say. She's always going to say something and try to ruin it, and if you pretend like it doesn't bother you or matter, the kids are more likely to think/behave the same.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

What was the original plan for sleeping? You should not be sharing a bed with either of the children - there is no reason to open yourself up to any sort of an allegation of improper behavior. You should also not be on the couch! One or both of the kids should be there.

Kes's picture

You and your BF should be in bed together and the kids should be in their own beds, preferably in another room. 

Disneyfan's picture

Wait a minute.  If you are on a trip with 4 people,  there should be sleeping accommodations for 4 people.  I don't  think a couch counts as a proper place to sleep unless it's a pull out.

Regardless of how amazing your relationship with your SKs is, you should not be sleeping in the same bed with them.  That opens yourself up for sexual abuse  allegations.

What's the deal with parents taking their kids on trips and not making sure that there is proper bedding accommodations for them?  That whole idea is just so foreign to me.LOL 

SecondNoMore's picture

People talk about boundaries on this site a lot, understandably so. If the plan was for everyone to sleep in one bed, that is a lack of boundaries for those kids. BM might be crazy in many ways, but if I had a kid I wouldn't want him or her in a bed with my ex's SO under any circumstances. 

tog redux's picture

Yeah, I'm with the others. Poor planning, you should never have planned to sleep with your SD.  And if anyone gets booted to the couch it's a kid, not you.  Hotels have rollaway beds (or they used to).    Next time spring for two rooms with a door in between.

My boyfriend is supportive and I know he was upset that I ended up sleeping on the couch cause I didn't want to add stress to the kids, but when is enough enough? 

I love this quote. He was "upset", but he let it happen anyway. My DH would have ordered his son to sleep on the couch or gotten a rollaway bed for him, and we would have slept together.  As always on this site, your SO is part of the problem.  He should have had the kids draw straws for who got a cot/couch while YOU got a bed with no questions asked.  I don't think he's as supportive as you think.

 

Curious Georgetta's picture

 

 

It should have been apparent that the BM would not want  you to sleep with her children, and indeed you should not have planned to sleep with her children.

 Appropriate sleep accommodations should have been made for the number of people going on this trip.

Most hotels have fold out beds that can be provided for very few dollars. Why not rent a fold out bed for the daughter.

This situation is not a statement  about your perceived family status but rather it is a statement about your planning and preparation for this trip.

The ex may never view you as a part of her children 's family. Her acceptance is not essential to the reality of your status one way or the other.

It seems that you are creating and/or self-imposing a lot of the stress that you are experiencing.

 

 

 

 

tog redux's picture

The fact that her SO let her sleep on the couch while his Precious Princess had a bed to herself says A LOT about her family status.  It has nothing to do with the ex.

 

Step-girlfriend's picture

Exactly. I would never have slept on the couch while the kid got the bed. And my SO would never have allowed it either. Hard no. 

missginger's picture

I solved this problem years ago. When we all go away together I do the looking of the hotels. I make sure that there is either 2 adjoining rooms or a pullout sofa with the bedroom in a seperate room with a door that closes. It takes more work to find rooms like this but they do exist. Residence Inns are awesome becuase some actually have two bedrooms with seperate bathrooms and a shared living room/kitchen. 

Chmmy's picture

I think I was on this vacation before.  Just wanted it to end so I can get away. I didnt live with them at the time but I was up in the middle of the night hoping for this to end. The skids were crying in the middle of the night because wicked dad's girlfriend made them turn off the ipad. He then stole dad's phone and started watching vids with that. Dad slept through it all. I kept waking him. He ended up sleeping with the crying skids and I slept alone. Now he's my husband and bitches that I wont take a family vaca with him.

SMom2638's picture

Thanks for all the feedback. We did have it all planned out before we left. There were enough places for everyone to sleep (we had a room with two beds and  a downstairs with a pull-out couch. SS or SD was supposed to sleep on the pull-out couchand then when we got there they didn't want to. I'm still struggling with a lot of issues with this right now. I understand BM is not accepting of me and that's fine. I'm a therapist I get it. I get I am self-imposing or creating a lot of the stress myself but I feel like I am just the "other person" in the house. I'm just the grocery getter and laundry person. I go to therapy regularly but I have a hard time accepting the kids when I have to distance myself so much from them physically and emotionally.