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DH...Bend over for everyone but me


I really am starting to despise how every time I turn around something is coming up where DH feels the need to bend over for other people. First off my friend's oldest daughter's birthday party is on saturday. DH is getting the special princess's this weekend, they didn't show up last time so he's decided he didn't want to go.

Fine, I was going to take my 3 and go, nope not good enough. DH wants us as a "family" to go do something fun. I am not even sure what the hell that means because my 3 would have had fun with their friends at the party. He's mentioned some trip to a waterfall etc etc etc.

I personally think he wants to treat his special little brats, because they decided to grace us with their presence. It's a reoccuring them, to go do something while they are here, so they aren't bored or so they are being doted upon. It usually ends up some place him and the ex went with the kids and I have to hear all the freaking "remember whens".

Anywho, so I am already agreeing to not go to the party, to do said "family" thing, I'd really rather not go to because the little brats are going to ruin it with complaining. I'm going to have to put up with my kids being disappointed. I have already told my BS13 and he's not happy but understands.

So this sunday is HIS family reunion, I don't know these people. He didn't invite me while we were dating or even living together. I didn't get the pleasure of going until I had our daughter. Yep! Whatever!

DH just texts me "can we take 2 cars on sunday". Let me make this clear its' a 3 hour drive. So instead of just saying what is going on it's clear I'm going to have to drag it out of him.

The just of it is his cousins in D'ville wrecked their car again so they don't have a ride to the reunion. Funny they can find a ride to work or the store but not this. So now he wants me to drive 1 car with my 3 and him and his 2 drive another car, so he can stop on the way to pick them up.

This sounds so suspicious to me #1 and #2 why is this my damn problem. Why am I being inconvenienced and having to spend extra $$ on gas because they can't manage to keep a car on the ride between 3 adults.

It make seem mean and bitchy but I asked what was really going on because that sounded weird to me. What do they do about jobs? Oh x takes o to work and T takes S to work, so why can't these people who are part of that damn family take them to the reunion. hmmmmmm?

So since he's all about it. I tell him sure you can go with your kids and pick them up, I'll drive separate with mine and then you all will be happy. I think he got a little pissed and said he was trying to "discuss this" with me. WTF man? I am your wife and I am suppose to accomodate these other 3 adults because they can't keep their life/cars/etc together.

I told him to go by himself, he won't having that either because then he'd have to explain to MIL why. After about 10 texts, he says we'll just stop by to see them. UGH! These people are always texting when is "he" coming up to see them but never them to come and see us. WTF...If you wanted to see "him" so bad, you'd make an effort too.

I think his kids wanted him to theirselves and that way he could explain it all away. He forwarded a message from his mom supposedly that said that they weren't coming because O had wrecked the car again. Convenient.

For once I want to not have to deal with DH asking me to bend over so his "family" can have what they want. I don't even want to go to this stupid thing, I get ignored the whole day anyways. I go because he's my husband and MIL wants us to go, so everyone can see the baby.

UGH! I hate this crap. And this man thinks I should consider having another child with him.Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr



If he had alone time with him, he'd have to put up with them. Nope he doesn't. When they are visiting at we are at home, he's gone outside or otherwised engaged with whatever.

DH still seems to think we are a "family" of the intact kind. We are NOT!

DH knows his kids are rude, disrespectful and bratty, I secretatively believe that's why he refuses or wants to do other things, that aren't around my friends or his when the princesses are with us.

We will take my kids to the movies (have many times) and drop his off at BM's, so what does that tell you. We took his kids to the movies ONCE in 4 years and he hasn't done it again. They talked the entire time, made sure both of them sat between him and I and they made sure my kids were away from him and them.

I will reschedule going to my friends because I agreed to it before the rest of the crap but when I go, they aren't invited. PERIOD! My friend won't say it but I will.

Disneyfan's picture

You don't want to go to the waterfall and you don't want to go the family reunion. So don't go.

Or only go to one.

I would suggest going to the party on Sunday because that is something your kids really want to do. Then put up with the family reunion on Sunday. If your husband gives you a hard time, ask him why he has a problem with your willingness to compromise.


I guess I should clarify it isn't really I dont want to go to the waterfall. My friend already planned the party, then I found out it was the same weekend as the reunion. My friend is understanding that I am not coming and we are going to get together another weekend.

I agreed to not go to the party as a sort of truce, to be nice, because DH is claiming I hate his kids all the time. I try everytime to allow him one on one time with them by offering to go to stuff with my kids alone. DH is the one who wants us all to go as a "family"

The family reunion I put up with every year now because I feel it's DH's family and we don't see them but ONCE a year. The rest of it, asking to take 2 cars and all was just too much bending for me.

I guess I just needed to vent because I feel stuck in this trying to compromise so DH will stop saying "you just hate my kids" anytime I talk to him about house rules and them not following them.

Maybe I'm just a sucker and it doesn't even matter if I compromise nothing will change, IDK. I keep trying different ways to approach this and nothing is making this situation better.

QueenBeau's picture

but even when you bend, you are still going to hear how you hate his kids.

& now you are giving your kids a reason to hate him & his kids because they have to stop their life everytime his kids come because you can't say no.


The last time we went to a drive in zoo. I didn't know they'd been there, it wasn't told to me until we all got there and the SDs were all "remember when" every 5 freaking seconds.

I didn't jump up and down screaming or anything. My kids enjoyed it, ok fine. But I told him I didn't want to go to another place they had been as a family. DH says "but there are only x places to go around here, we've been to them all". I am in a small town unless we drive 6+ hours, there isn't all that much around.

As for the reunion, no one passes her around, because she refuses to let anyone touch her but us, mostly me. They just want to take her picture or MIL wants to be all GMA of the year (she isnt).

I think last year all of 5 people out of 60 talked to me. Most just stared and looked like I was an exhibit of some kind.

QueenBeau's picture

Go to the party. Quit depriving your kids & blaming your DH. It's all about your fear of the word "no".


I have to deal with the fallout for weeks when I say no. I have done it in the past. 2 weekends ago the kids went ice skating with the youngest daughter for her birthday. The skids ended up not coming, OSD decided an middle school dance (5th grade) was more important and YSD suddenly became sick on friday morning.

I told him no matter what I was going that weekend, skids or no skids I didnt care. I did.

He ended up going but pouted because YSD would have liked it, not my problem, I didn't make her sick or pretend she was. I just went on with my kids, we all learned to ice skate and it was fun. We had to leave early because MIL wouldn't watch DD19mo more than 3 hours.

So that's why I decied to skip it this time, with the compromise of going to do xyz. The rest is what got me today. I can't seem to win.

I just want peace........HOW do I get it?

QueenBeau's picture

I'd suggest marriage counseling. He is basically using his 'emotions' to force YOU to bend. Your DH isn't bending for you because you are afraid to ask him for anything or say no to him. That's not a relationship.


I've asked, had a great stepfamily counselor and he got all pissed I was going. First I didn't tell him because he'd already told me how he thought counseling was pointless. I was going for me anyways.

He said "they can't help me and I can't miss work".

So that's a no go. I only have one other option, fight all the time or leave.

Seriously I'm exhausted, I do fight at times but sometimes I am just too damn tired.

QueenBeau's picture

I am a part of this group who sometimes in situations like this says it's time to give him the two card option. Divorce or counseling.


That's I think the thing that really set me on fire today. Separate cars for a 3 hour drive so he could pick up someone else's mess-basically.

I compromise more than I should. I know that. I guess I have to become the evil stepmom I'm being called anyways.

QueenBeau's picture

It is not 'evil' to say no.

Man he has you all messed up. It's like he's a doormat to everyone but you, & you are his doormat.


This is my 2nd marriage the first one was pretty rough. I guess I'm still just messed up with all that and now it's like my life is on repeat with a few more guests to the party.


Here's the thing, I didn't hate them. I still don't hate the YSD, now OSD oh her face makes me mad. It's their behaviors I don't like. I've actually told him "correction I hate their behaviors and there is a difference"

Cocoa's picture

you really do need to stop being afraid of your dh. if you begin standing up to him, regularly, you won't have to "hear it" for 2 weeks. he verbally abuses you for 2 weeks when you stand up to him. i'd make him show his hand. gather your strength, prepare for a marital crisis, and TAKE YOUR POWER BACK. you are going to begin to hate him and so are your kids unless you make this marriage more equal.


I wouldn't say he verbally abuses me. Its more like bitching and moaning, and whining oh and the whatever treatment.

How do I make him show his hand? I'm confused on that. I already resent the hell out of him for having to fight to get the few things he does now, like not talk to BM every damn day for no reason.

misSTEP's picture may not be verbal abuse but it IS emotional manipulation. It is only human to get resentful of being manipulated like that. Marriage is not a one way street.

Willow2010's picture

Oh where to need to start doing what YOU want to do. If you made plans and you want to go to those plans, then just go. Your DH will live. He will not divorce you because you stuck to YOUR plans. And do you really want to be with a man that would?

But I have to say ... I really think he acts this way because you let him and keep letting him. Time to do for you and yours. Not him and his. Let him pout. Let him act like an ass.

You and your kids are miserable because this man has convinced you that you MUST do as he says. Even at the cost of your kids happiness. Please get some counseling to find out why you are letting this happen. It is like you are only allowed to have a life if the skids are there....

If I were you, on Saturday morning I would tell him the following..."Uh yea hun... I decided that since I already told my friend that the kids and I are going to her party, we are still going to keep those plans. You and the girls have a ball at the waterfall." (If he gets mad, tell him that you can talk about it after the girls go home but you are keeping your plans).

Then on Sunday morning tell him to go ahead and go to the reunion and you and the kids will catch up. After he has been gone about 2-3 hours, you text him and say..."The car won't start so I will not be able to make it to the reunion." It won't be a lie because you won't even try to start the car.


I was going to a stepfamily counselor, he got upset/mad really that I was going. I didn't tell him, not because it was a secret but because he'd expressed before that he didn't believe in it. It was for me not him.

The counselor said we needed to go together to be effective, I asked him to come, he refused and said "why do you need to go anyways? Its about me so what did she say about me?" I tried to explain to him it wasn't about HIM, it was about the situation and how for me to DEAL with all of it because I've never been a stepMOM before.

It became such an issue I just dropped it and stopped going. I guess that was a mistake.

Disneyfan's picture

OP, he NEEDS to keep you out of therapy. The last thing he needs is for you to find is your voice and the strength to set his ass straight.

You are the financial backbone in your home. Your making strides in therapy,means his free ride is over.

robin333's picture

If he had a problem with you going to counseling, then he isn't wanting the best for you. And you deserve much more.

I would go to the party, and only go to the reunion if you want to (not just to keep the peace).

I understand being tired and trying to make things work. I would tell him that he could do counseling with me or not living alone.

As far as "hating his kids", I would respond that I disliked their behavior. It's not a personal attack and I'm sure you have examples of inappropriate behavior you could share if needed.

misSTEP's picture

He's afraid you will find out in counseling what we are telling you here. He is not treating you like a partner. He is treating you like a lot of skids treat their parents. Manipulate into getting what you want all the time while treating the person like a doormat.