My SD was sneaky at 5 and the BM thought it was funny too. BM used to encourage it, in fact, because she thought it made us powerless. Now SD is 13 and lies and sneaks around constantly. BM is always calling us saying, "I don't know what to do with her - you have to do something!" Not so funny now, huh? It's not funny at 5....and it's HELL at 13! Hopefully you can get BM to see that before it's too late.

Do not cease from doing good - for at the right time we will harvest --- if we do not get tired first! Gal 6:9

SMIT, I hear you and understand where you are coming from. You told him not to do it and he did it.

Very frustrating situation. Period.

He is 5 years old yes? I would really have to say you need to pick and choose your battles on this one. Yes he is trying to see what he is trying to get away with but at the same time he probably wanted to see mom and get his toy. And that the latter reasons were his strong motivating factors. It seems very innocent. Yes she should have checked with you and his dad. But she probably assumed (and we all know we all assume too much sometimes) that you guys knew.
He is five. This situation alone was not going to teach him how to obey and respect your decisions or your requests. If anything it telling him how to push your buttons. He is five. If you did not want her to come over then you should have had dad reinforce your decision and talk to BM. Period. Your asking a five year old to meet an expectation that is unrealistic. His want and need for his bio-parent or toy will out-way your request. That is normal and natural. He is in the middle. He does not understand.
I am sorry for your frustration. But next time if do not want HER to come over-YOU talk to her. Or have the dad talk to her.
But to ask five year old not to ask his mother is unrealistic, Now ask a ten year old and that is a different story.

It will get better.

Be the example you want him to be.

Good luck.

Wifi

I would have had DH send BM a text explaining that SS wanted to call her, and we will of course let him, but she should know up front that he is insisting on asking her to bring over x and that we have told him "no, it's too late". If she chose to still bring it over I would have let SS get the toy from her and not said a word to her at that time (in person or in front of SS). As soon as the door closed SS would be punished and toy taken away. Then an email would go to BM about how we handled it and why she should have respected our boundaries as outlined in text. Just a tip about how we would handle this. It's best if the communication happens between the parents and the kids don't hear any of it. You cannot control her getting in her car and bringing something over, but you can control what happens to it in your house.

As for BM laughing, sure it's rude, but just another thing you cannot control. In all fairness to her, she did not have a heads up to know that you had told SS it was wrong. She was caught off guard and did not react correctly, but could not have been expected to. If you had told her not to bring it and then she did, that would be a different story.

I have to agree with Steph here. But I also agree with the way you ultimately handled the situation - taking the toys away.

My SS is 4.5 ... he rarely asks to call his mommy - he'd rather be with us. But there are a couple of times that he has, and it has been late. We simply respond, "it's late and mommy is probably asleep. If you remind me tomorrow we can call her in the morning." He has never reminded us to call her in the morning. We live too far apart, 45 min., she wouldn't have driven up to our house to bring him his toys.

The other thing is that the toys at mommy's stay at mommy's and likewise with the toys at our house. Occasionally a new toy (on birthday or Chrismtas) will get to go home with him, but we also ask for it to be sent back - we bought it. So, maybe that's something you could do ...

As far as the laughing, I wouldn't think she was laughing at you ... probably at the situation. Yes, it would have pissed me off too. If you truly believe she was laughing at you DH needs to have a talk with her. In fact, DH needs to have a talk with her anyway ... when SS is doing something like that, BM should say, "okay sweetie, let me talk to daddy for a minute" and make sure that it's okay for her to bring over the toys. This is YOUR time with SS - not to be interrupted by her. But, again, if mommy's toys satay at mommy's house and that's a rule, it solves the problem.

~ Katrina

De inimico non loquaris sed cogities.
There is an understanding in our home that the toys bought by us remain in our home just as toys bought by bm remain in her home. Yes we occassionally let toys go home, like birthday or christmas presents but the day to day that we might purchase remain with us. You did do the right thing taking the toy away. We only have control in our homes, so there is nothing wrong with teaching a child that he/she must follow the rules as they apply to them.