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Starting Over Again...

smcpaw's picture

Well, my boyfriend's daughter called Sunday afternoon and told her father about a counseling appointment for Monday at 6:30 p.m. (she called the week before with less than 15 minutes notice and my boyfriend wasn't able to go). He agreed to go to counseling with her (her and her biomom have been going for a few visits - at our suggestion the last time the daughter was out of control and manipulating everyone in her path). We then were told Monday afternoon that the daughter was coming to our house after school and spending the night. I don't have a problem with her wanting to come back and start regular visits with her dad, but I little forewarning or maybe even asking if okay with us would have been nice. Again, the whole control the situation issue is the way both the daughter and the biomom want it - they're way or no way. Of course when the daughter arrived to the house she exclaimed that her mom would be picking her up so that she could go home and get clothes to spend the night before the appointment - again, if it was already planned by her and her mother, why weren't her clothes packed and ready so that her mom didn't have to interfer with the visit. So, I cooked dinner, we ate and then the mom picked her up. Their appointment was supposed to be for 6:30 p.m. The mother returned the daughter at 6:15 p.m. and the daughter got out of the car ranting that it wasn't time to leave - it only took 5 minutes to get there, etc. We ignored the temper tantrum (remember = she is 15). I dropped them off at the appointment. I wished my boyfriend good luck and asked him to stand up for himself, speak his mind, etc. When they came out of counseling - my boyfriend told me their appointment wasn't until 6:45 p.m. No big deal for me - I dropped them off and ran some errands and was patiently waiting for them. We then went home. My boyfriend didn't discuss any part of the session with me (not that I need to know everything, but I would have liked to know if it went well). I didn't ask because I figured if he wanted me to know, he would tell me. He seemed very quiet and almost distant for the rest of the evening. Maybe he was trying to absorb everything. I know in the past the daughter tries to make her father feel guilty for everything and anything. Oh well, at least he is trying to make things better between him and his daughter. He did tell his daughter that he didn't mind her coming back to spend time with us, but that she had to respect us and we all had to get along. Her response is "well, you have to respect me". So needless to say, I am a little tense and nervous that things are only go to be calm for a short period of time. We'll see, but I am not falling all over her to make her feel welcome right now. I feel we should have a little more structure with her visitation, a little heads up that she is planning on coming over and the utmost respect if she really wants things to work as a "blended family". BUT I AM GOING TO BE PERSISTENT ABOUT THE BIOMOM BUTTING OUT OF OUR HOUSE AFFAIRS AND RULES - I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND AND HIS DAUGHTER, BUT I DIDN'T BARGAIN FOR THE EXWIFE TO BE PART OF OUR RELATIONSHIP!


Dawn-Moderator's picture

I agree with you. You don't have a problem with her coming for her vistiation but it would be nice to know a little bit ahead of time. I mean, you have a life and may have other plans or something.

I think I would have to ask about the counselling appointment. The suspense and not knowing how it went, would just be too much!


smcpaw's picture

I only want her to respect our household and to give us the common courtesy of knowing when she plans on spending time with us. Just popping in and telling us what she is doing is a way of her still controlling the situation. She and her mother have always dictated when my boyfriend will be able to spend time with his daughter - which is absurd. She is lucky to have a father that wants to be part of her life.

I will ask about the counseling appointment. I was just hoping that he would share information with me when he was ready. I don't want to be treated like an outsider - us against her theme. I should be included if he wants me involved in his life. It is supposed to be our house and our children are supposed to share it with us, not the other way around.

cornflower's picture

is going to just drop in and out.. please just do your own thing. (Not cancel plans etc. if you have already made them.) We have had to do this with SS, who at one stage decided he would dictate at the last minute which weekends he would come. DH went to pick him up, he refused and said, "NO. I will come NEXT weekend." and then stormed off, with no discussion. We already had something on for the next weekend, so, much to SS surprise, he was not collected the next Friday as per his demand!

So if she drops in unannounced, still only cook for two, etc. she will need to cook her own tea etc. If there are things in her room you would normally move (we have the kids room as an ironing room when they are not with us) when she came to stay, do not move them. Don't do anything to accomodate a last minute visit.

This way you will not be rushing around, and in fact her visit should not inconvenience you at all. Smile Not being accomodating seems to have worked for us.