You are here

Picture This...

smcpaw's picture

Boyfriend's daugther comes over for the first time in a long time the Friday of Mother's Day weekend. She was on her way to a school function, but it was sold out so her mom dropped her off at our house to spend the night (again, no advanced notice)but we were home and it was fine. She made it clear that she had nothing else to do and spent the whole time with my daughter (which was also fine with me). The following morning she was supposed have worked at 12:00 noon (it was raining and her job is subject to the weather). She then needed a ride to pick up her paycheck and schedule her hours for the following month, but claimed she couldn't go until 2:00 p.m. or so. So I waited for her until 2:00 p.m. and then I took her to her job and then I was going to stop at the hardware store to pick something up and I had to run to the grocery store. When we got to the hardware store, she saw her mom and her grandmother going into the store and insisted they not see us because "my mom will be mad because I didn't work and didn't call her to go home earlier". I then lost my patience and told her that she really needed to stop all the lying and sneaking and that I wanted no part of it (what makes matters worse is that the mother would be mad that she spent more time at our house and didn't come right home early Saturday morning). So, we left there and went to the grocery store where she asked if I would give her the money to buy her mother a Mother's Day card. Again, I didn't say a word and let her get the card.

Two days ago (first since she stayed) she called her father and told him about the upcoming prom she is going to and all the planning her mom has been doing and that all the family is going to be at the mom's house to see her off and she asked if her dad could come over. He told her that she should stop by our house with her date. Again, my boyfriend can't drive because of his vision right now and furthermore, his daughter makes it a habit to keep the family fires burning at her mom's house. My daughter is going to the same prom (it is her junior prom) and will be getting ready at our house. I don't care if he goes to see her, but I am not leaving the house until my daughter is ready and he can't drive. Besides the fact that I am not invited to her mom's house, nor would I want to be, but I would have to drive him.

Then, last night the daughter called her dad (I was still at work) and asked if I could pick her up at her job at 6:30 p.m. and bring her shopping because her mom's birthday was this weekend and she hadn't gotten her anything. So, it's okay for me to cart her around to buy her mom gifts and Mother's Day cards, but it's not okay for me to be a part of her dad's life. She didn't even so much as thank me for buying the Mother's Day card. Needless to say, my boyfriend asked her why she only calls when she needs something and why did she wait until the last minute... Well, he called her at 6:30 p.m. and she told him "I'll call you back" and that's the last we heard from her. Is it me? Or does this child like to run the show and leave me behind the scenes.

Comments

Sherrylyn's picture

It looks like she's trying to run the show. I am glad that dad asked her why she only calls when she wants something. That gets tiresome really quick.

If you're like many of us we just want the working relationship with biomom not to be horrible, for us as well as the children. I think you are patient to drive your boyfriends daughter to get cards or gifts for her mom. Now it's not like the ex is your best buddy, so you really should give yourself a well deserved pat on the back.

smcpaw's picture

I appreciate your words of wisdom. I don't need a pat on the back, I just want a little appreciation from the daughter. A little respect from the biomom would be nice, i.e., but yet again, like mother, like daughter... Oh well, patience, patience, patience.

happy mom's picture

Seems like she is running you over all the time with I want that and do this... I think you should talk to her about her basic manners in saying thank you and show you that she appreciates what you do for her. You can be the boss too and say no if you can't run her all over the place to do what she wants to do. I think she just needs to be reminded that she needs to show appreciation to you. Regarding you not being invited over biomom's house for stepdaughter's funcion or what ever else it might be, I don't think it's the daughter's decision not to invite you, it is most likely the biomom. Forget about that and don't worry about that too much, I suggest you to spend time with your stepdaughter w/quality time, doing things together, not doing her errands but other activities to bring you guys closer. Don't become a gopher, you can say no too.

smcpaw's picture

Thanks for your comments. My boyfriend's daughter is 15. I have tried to do fun things with my boyfriend's daughter early on, like shopping, baking, gardening, but over time she has become more demanding and her way or no way attitude. She never comes over and when she does, it's last minute, unannounced and at her and her mother's convenience. She called my boyfriend out of the blue and wanted me to pick her up at work at 6:30 (I was still at work at 5:00 p.m. when she called) and bring her shopping to get her mother a birthday present. I really don't mind helping her out, but honestly, after the Mother's Day card - not even a thank you, I didn't feel I should run out and help her. After all, how would she have gotten a present otherwise. Why does she call me, why not her grandmother. We only hear from her when it is convenient for her, not because she wants to spend time with her dad. Her behavior and attitude has caused conflict between her dad and I and now when she does come over, I try to let her father deal with her and I don't bend over backwards to be accommodating to her. Life is a two-way street and she is old enough to know right from wrong. I need respect, and if she can't give it to me, then I guess I don't have to cater to her every whim.

happy mom's picture

Yes don't cater to her every wishes from you and treat you with no respect. If she asks one day as to why you are not catering to her then tell her up front how she is rude not saying thank you and all that and see what she says. You'll do fine, she'll realize one day that you are not just a gopher.