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Shady or just my imagination??

SM12's picture

DH and I have recently been in this weird funk where we are not really communicating and are both grumpy with each other.  I'm sure the quarantine started this off but we are struggling shaking it off.  I have noticed DH being a bit more selfish than normal which is Adding fuel to my fire. 

Anyway....there was an odd situation that happened this weekend and I am not sure how to view it. 
We had YSS this weekend and decided to go camping.   Overall it was a decent time and YSS was good.  No real issues with him so no complaints. 
Our RV does not have a designated room for YSS so he sleeps in the pullout sofa.  

As we were cleaning up yesterday and getting ready to leave, I noticed YSS was searching for something.  He couldn't find his AirPods.  Ok I will help look.  When I made the bed back into the couch earlier I made note to make sure his charge cords weren't caught in the couch so I know the AirPods weren't attached at that time.   YSS said he took them off the charger after I made the bed into a couch so he knows they aren't in that area.   We looked for quite a while.   I had been in the RV cleaning and doing dishes go I knew I had not seen them. yss days when he took them off the charger, DH was there in the same area messing with the radio.   This area is by the TV and had a cabinet about the TV that we put odds and end in.  I never use that cabinet.

Well finally YSS finds the AirPods in the Cabinet about the TV and BEHIND some folder that has paperwork for the RV in it.   There is no way the airpods were accidentally put there.  When dH comes in YSS tells him where they were found.  I remember YSS saying DH was in that area so I ask DH if he put them in the cabinet and he Denys it.  I know I didn't do it and I can't imagine YSS doing that since he looked for them for over an hour and why would he put them behind the folder in the cabinet.

DH denies ever being in the cabinet.  I immediately felt as if I was being looked at like the guilty party.   And it made me very mad.  I know and YSS said DH was over there.  And with how odd DH has been toward me I started to question whether he did that on purpose to make me look bad?   DH has seemed to make efforts these last few weeks to make me look bad in front of people and lying as well.   Lying about stupid stuff like who did what chore.  
Am I crazy or does anyone else think DH May have hid the AirPods to try and make me look like I did it since I was in the RV alone most of the time cleaning?  



Iamwoman's picture

You're not crazy.

This is far too detailed of an effort for it to be an accident. 
Also, your DH, even if it was an accident, should not be "making you look badly." He should be making you look good in front of people.

When I read your title, I though I was going to comment that you and DH are probably just both depressed.

Depression does not cause a person to actively gaslight people around them though.

Time to install nanny cams. 
Then let DH gaslight you.

Who knows why he is doing it.

Maybe he will stop when caught. Maybe he will escalate.

Either way, you'll either stay and have proof or leave and have proof.

SM12's picture

I was really starting to think I was going crazy!   I was furious when I asked (in front of YSS) if DH had been in that cabinet.  DH was messing with the radio and some of the parts needed were in that cabinet.   Another interesting fact....I had been gifted a pair of iPods before Christmas.  I wasn't sure I would ever use them and commented this to DH.  He suggested I give them to YSS.... Why would I do that?  DH seemed miffed I said no.  
Also this weekend DH told everyone he did all the work at the RV in one breath and the next made a comment that he needed my time tell him what to do but I was always walking off.  
I tried to defend myself and explain that DH did do a lot but needed me to tell him exactly what to do the entire time.  (While I was also doing plenty of chores and cleaning up). He blantantly lies to our friends more than once basically saying he did everything to make our campsite look so good and I did nothing.   Just one of the many lies he told people this weekend.  
Im beginning to wonder what DH is up to.   

MurphysLaw's picture

He sounds unstable.

 If you have combined finances, separate immediately. I would also do a quick Credit Check. Gather all important documents & and heirloom valuables and place in a lockbox/bank box.

Also, I would start a "diary", list ALL the times he gaslights/lies to friends, things "go missing ", any strange events.

also look into getting some nanny cams!

susanm's picture

So it wasn't just an issue with your SS but also him saying things to make you look bad with friends?  Like openly sniping at you and embarassing you?  That is not a skid issue but rather a marital one.  Something is definitely up that has him acting out inappropriately.  I would call him out on that instead of the issue with the airbuds.  We all know where that one will go - "You just hate my kid - blah blah blah" and you won't get anywhere.  But "what the hell are you doing trying to make me look like an idiot to our friends and laying out dirty laundry in front of them" is something completely different and totally valid.

I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that he is cheating but he could be going through a period of disatisfaction with something and taking it out on you.  This pandemic has everyone on edge.   It is easy to be generally unhappy, look to the person closest to you, and blame it all on them and their perceived shortcomings.  The answer to that of course is "get the f*ck over yourself buddy because you are not exactly heaven on earth to live with every second of the day either!"

Aniki's picture

Shady. I'd have to have a sit down and ask what's going on. 

If he's going to continue this behavior, I'd make myself scarce when SS is around so I couldn't be blamed for this caca. Poophead. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I agree. Talk about it with him and if something else happens I would start being "busy" when SS is there. 

Aniki's picture

I'd be looking through that paperwork to see if anything in there is NOT paperwork for the RV...

SM12's picture

I never thought about that....I can't imagine what else it would be.   But I'm starting to really question what DH is up to.   He just recently got a new phone.  His old phone had a number lock which I knew.  This phone he uses the thumb print lock.  I thought that was shady as well but didn't push the issue.   Now with him trying to gaslight next so much I'm wondering what he is up to.

Aniki's picture

Agreed. If he's not cheating physically, he's cheating emotionally. 

My DH has had 3 phones in the last decade. He always tells me the code.

SM12's picture

This new phone situation really bugged me.   AND our sex life has dwindled down considerably.  I also considered he was possibly emotionally cheating.  Hell

he could be physically cheating but not sure when he would have time.  He works and comes home.  And his work mates all know me and like me so they wouldn't be too pleased if they knew. 
I am going to do a lot more digging

Aniki's picture

I'm sorry, hon. Hope we're wrong and he's being stupid/embarrassed about something. Like maybe his staff won't rise to the occasion. xo

tog redux's picture

My phone has a thumb print lock as well as a passcode. I use the thumbprint because it's quicker, but the passcode is still the same - is there a chance you can still get in using the passcode?

Either way, the fact that you think he's gaslighting you is a huge red flag of an unhealthy situation.

SM12's picture

Why would DH try to make me look bad to YSS when YSS is the only kid who comes around??  And I spend more alone time with YSS then DH?? So making YSS think I am trying to steal his stuff is going to keep YSS coming around??? I don't think so.

advice.only2's picture

Usually when a person is guilty of something they take it out on the people around them because it helps alleviate their guilt. I would confront him.

missginger's picture

Ok I think some of you are going over the deep end. 

a) the new phone - My DH upgrades his phone way more often than I do. His latest one (like most that are sold now) have the thumb reginition. Also I have never had the password to my DH's phone or him mine and even if I did I would NEVER go into his phone.

b) The putting the air pods where they were - My DH forgets soo much stuff! He would easily put something somewhere and then forget he did it and even argue he didnt do it. 

c) EVERYONE is in a funk becuase of whats going on. And having slumps in the bedroom are part of married life. Have you gone out of your way to be romantic? Spice things up?

d) the minute one person puts up nanny cams to me - the marriage is over. 

SM12's picture

And I agree with some of it. I won't be doing nanny cams.  If I have to do that, I will just end it.   
And normally I would agree that my DH was just being forgetful.  However, after a weekend full of him lying about stupid shit and making me out to be a bad guy....lying about hiding iPods was the last straw.   And his distant attitude for the past few months.   
I agree the quarantine has put a strain on our relationship and moods, but he has really been making efforts to be rude to me.

As far as the phone goes, he has always made a point to give me access to his phone if needed and was always very open about that.  Suddenly no more access.  But trust me, if I wanted to see what he is doing, I can find out other ways. I choose not to because I don't want to live like that.

And finally, yes I have made efforts to spice up the sex live and have initiated sex the last several times.   But who wants to get all hot and sexy when your hubby is doing nothing but make you feel like crap???

tog redux's picture

Trust your gut.  Don't let anyone tell you that you are overreacting. There might be innocent explanations, but something feels off to you.

futurobrillante99's picture

Time to get distant and more unavailable. Stop initiating sex. Change the passcode on your phone. Get busy doing your own thing. And don't go on anymore camping trips with the H and SS. I would simply say, "You surely don't need me since you can do it all singlehandedly."

He's probably having a midlife crisis. Nothing gets a man's attention quicker than seeing a woman happy in her own right and pulling back from him.

Texashley33's picture

My SS17 kept doing sneaky things and I kept getting trapped in the middle not knowing if it was him or my children ..well found out recently that it's been SS17 this WHOLE time for YEARS he's been lying to me and my Husband (his Dad) and now that I told SS17 to stay away from me and our 2 children..the mind games have stopped. Now he hides in his room all the time, and doesn't talk to any of us ..he's mad he got caught lying. Boo hoo. He is such a problem with lying and being weird, his own Dad can't stand him anymore. Unfortunately we have full custody ..bc his BM is a loser and a liar as well. 

Texashley33's picture

I could be wrong, but it seems like your step son is doing shady things, and trying to make you and your Husband fight to get you away from his Dad. Pay closer attention..i BET it's the step son. It doesn't make any sense that your own Husband would do that..?? 

SM12's picture

I had thought for a moment that maybe YSS had put them there and just forgot.  But why purposely put them behind paperwork??  
I think the whole reason I felt it was DH was because of his Blantent lie about being in that cabinet and his attitude toward me.   

ITB2012's picture

he has been cheating for a while and now with the stay-at-home orders he can't cheat and it's getting to him? That he's getting pressure (or pressuring himself) to start it up again and he's taking his frustration out on you?

From all the things that happened without solid proof (like catching him in the act), I'm ninety-nine percent sure my XH was cheating on me before we divorced. And he did the same type of things.

Trust your gut and start watching your back.

SM12's picture

It is possible he has been cheating.  He hasn't been staying late for work much and he calls me when he goes to lunch most days.  I have no clue when he would have time to cheat but then could be emotional cheating.  
DH is the type to go from one relationship to another.  He was stringing his last GF along when he met me.  He told me they had split up a few months prior but I found out a few years later that was a lie.  We were already married when i found out.  And apparently he was with a different girl when he started talking to his last GF.   Again...I didn't know this until much later.   I do recall I noticed what I thought was his last gf having an unusual reaction to our dating...which was out of place had they been split up as long as he said. 

Ar this point I have decided to just sit back and observe.   What happens in the dark always comes to light.  If he is messing around, I will find out son enough.   In the meantime I am getting all my ducks in a row to protect myself financially.   

SM12's picture

But absent mindedness.   I asked him to grab something for me last weekend...he was right next to what I needed.  He acknowledged what I said and then just walked away and did his own thing without even attempting to get what I asked him to get.   
He  has never been able to multi-task so if he is doing something you can just forget about having a conversation or trying to get information.

BethAnne's picture

Short term memory issues could lead to seeming absent minded. He forgot to get the thing for you. He forgot that he put the ear buds away. He forgot what you did to help at the campsite. It might have nothing to do with it, but if his behaviors are escalating or have changed a lot then it might be worth considering a medical explaination rather than a relationship issue.