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Cell phone invasion

SM12's picture

not sure how to deal with this issue...yes I have disengaged for the most part but some issues still creep in.    My issue deals with my YSS11 and his cell phone.   YSS is a pretty good kid and he and I get along much better than I ever did with OSS or MSS (who we never see anymore).   YSS isn’t exactly the issue or even the cell phone.  But how the phone is used is what eats at me.

There are times where DH and YSS will have conversations about what activities they would like to do.  For example...DH mentioned taking YSS to a haunted house last weekend.   The plans got changed because of YSSs sporting event being scheduled at the same evening they were planning to go to the haunted house.  Totally understandable.

However, YSS then gets constant text messages from BM asking if DH took him to the haunted house...(she also knew the sporting event caused the issue) and questions YSS as to WHY DH didn’t take him and when he is going to take him.   She does the same thing with even small things.  YSS will ask for something from DH. DH will tell YSS he will get it on payday and BM will send YSS message after message asking about whatever DH was to buy.

It looks like BM is trying to point out toYSS and faults in DH like “Why didn’t your dad do cuz like he promised??”  Even when she knows the valid reason.    

I understand I can’t make her stop but part of me wants to grab his phone and reply a “not so nice” response.   I would never do that..:but ughhh that just irks me.

Anyone else experience this and have a good way to deal with it?

Comments

StepUltimate's picture

Don't let her eat up your energy. Have DH ignore all b.s. texts. BM's live for reactions, but you are not her puppet.

Instead, vent here and amuse yourself (and us!) with all the things you'd like to say/text. That way, you get it out & get heard by people who understand, but BM gets left flapping in the wind, expending all that drama-energy for nothing. 

Stay strong!

SM12's picture

You are right....she is a whore...hahaha

I do ignore 99% of what she says or does but this issue just stuck with me.  Probably because that is how she managed to PAS the older two...by constantly picking DH apart and making things that aren’t issues into issues and all behind DHs back.   He’s pretty ignorant to people’s true colors.  

I am fortunate that YSS doesn’t seem to be phased by her questions or comments so far.  He gives her one word answers she she starts her crap.  

I am lucky in that it has been enough time  as drama from BM that DH no longer tries to force me to play nice.  He keeps me as far away from BM and her SO as possible.   

One glorious day...I will have my opportunity to unleash verbal hell fire on them.  Until then...I will pot here and enjoy the comradary!!

futurobrillante99's picture

I believe you can't go wrong with talking about cell phones, how they are with us ALL the time and give people constant/instant access to us. It might be a good idea to model what it's like to silence/put in airplane mode/do not disturb a cell phone when you're with people or just needing a blue screen break. Or talk about a friend, coworker or neighbor who is always up in your business and your plan to take charge and not be so available to them.

This can be done very indirectly, but gives YSS and idea that he CAN choose to not always be connected. It's the beginning of encouraging him to set boundaries.

 

Iamwoman's picture

As his parent, your DH has the right to monitor his phone. He can look at YSS’ phone and then call BM our via written text on every single one of her alienating texts to YSS (yes, what she is doing is alienation).

”Why are you grilling YSS about what goes on in my household. That is considered alienation. Please stop.”

”Why are you still grilling YSS about what goes on in my household?”

He should not reply to her answers but simply record them.

Siemprematahari's picture

Amazing how BM has nothing else better to do but worry about what YOUR H is or isn't doing like she's trying to one up him on something. I know its on your SS phone but try to ignore it. Whenever possible when it comes to planning something with SS do not give any definite date or time although you know it just so BM isnt privy to that information. For example:

SS: Hey dad when are we going to the haunted house?

Dad: Sometime next week or the following

SS: Hey dad when can you go & buy me that game we talked about?

Dad: Sometimes in the next week or so.

Meaning to keep it as open as possible so not to give him a straight answer. You still work around his game schedule or whatever he has going on but he doesn't have that information to use to feed to BM. Makes sense?

 

SM12's picture

Typically DH is pretty vague about the when and where aspect with YSS...sadly YSS has his own timeline in his head and decides either on his own OR with the promoting by BM when whatever will happens.   And yes,... this is exactly how BM PAS’d the older two.

tog redux's picture

Yes, this is a way in which parents intent on alienation accomplish it. And given that you never see your MSS, I'm assuming BM is an alienator.

My SS would often be texting back and forth with BM about how awful DH is and how much he hated it at our house, all while having a great time with us.   I don't have an answer as to how you deal with it except for DH to take YSS's access to his phone away and just let him use it periodically.  BM stuck in DH's CO that he had to have his phone all the time, so ...

It's hard to combat alienation. It might be helpful for DH to point out to YSS what's happening and help him think about what BM might be trying to do.  Never worked for us, but maybe your YSS is more resilient than my SS.

SM12's picture

BM and her SO are pros and PAS.   They did a perfect job with MSS and OSS.  MSS would actually text BM detailed hour by hour descriptions on what was happening at our house.  I also saw texts from

BM to MSS inquiring about what was cooked for dinner, who cooked it and did they like it.  

YSS is about the age where she started the PAS on the older two so I knew it would be coming.   She waits until they are old enough to stay alone without a babysitter to start her madness.   

tog redux's picture

It was traumatic to go through PAS with one kid, I truly cannot imagine the horror of watching 3 kids fall, one by one. 

SM12's picture

DH was a mess for a few years.  But as their behavior and attitude because so nasty and hostile he was relieved when he stopped coming over.   He was crushed by how evil they talked to him last time they spoke (over a year ago)

Of course only after a few months of them not talking to DH, they turned their attitude on BM.  She sent a note telling DH he needed to talk to them about their attitude.   DH basically told he to go f$&& herself in a nicer way hahaha.  

He said it was her making so she can deal with them.

Maria10's picture

Yss does not need to have his cell phone on all the time. In fact if everyone is home he does not need to have his cellphone at all.(unless in the CO)( 

Also tell YSS that he can tell his mother about his weekend when he sees her.

Also if BM is texting YSs then you've hit the jackpot. You have proof of excessive communication. I dont know if admissible but ... You know harassment is a thing!(pas might be hard , proving harassment and stalking +bullying through the media might be easier!)

If I was feeling particularly meddling or evil I would put the block function on when noone was looking. 

SM12's picture

YSS isn’t to the stage where he has to have his phone constantly which is how I can check his messages.   Luckily he doesn’t seem to reply back with much info to BM.   So far there has been DH bashing by YSS.  He still looks forward to staying over at our house.

Letti.R's picture

Your BM is meddling and her constant queries and texts are an intrusion into your home.
I would strongly suggest you talk to you husband about rules for YSS's cell phone use.
It is your home and your should be able to place restrictions on when and how the cell phone is used
. I would not allow an 11 yo to have free reign with a phone and it will be monitored. 
 

TheEvilStepmomStrikesBack's picture

SS10 isn’t allowed to have his cell phone at our home. We (DH and I) don’t feel he’s mature enough for one (and his grades are atrocious), so he just leaves it at BMs. If she needs him she can contact DH. 

ndc's picture

Since you know this is PAS and it's going to be ongoing, why not try teaching YSS some critical thinking skills?  For instance, when the text comes about the haunted house, you ask him "Why is your mother asking why your father isn't taking you to the haunted house when she KNOWS that it's because of a conflict with sports?"  (Of course, this doesn't work for the texts if you're reading his texts on the sly).  While I wouldn't bash the other parent, there's nothing wrong with getting the kid to think logically about what's going on and, if he's smart and not too far gone, draw his own conclusions.

SM12's picture

YSS is a pretty observant kid.   When the last show down happened with OSS and MSS, DH had a talk with YSS about it.  He told YSS he hoped that nothing can between their relationship and apologized if he did anything to hurt them.  (In reality DH did nothing to apologize for). YSS then told DH that he had done nothing wrong and the whole mess with oss and MSS were their own faults.   He sees that oss and MSS are manipulative jerks.   Our main goal now is to keep BM from messing up YSS to the point he changes his mind.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Temporarily block BM's number on weekends SS is with you all. Unblock when YSS goes back.

You don't need to tell either one what you did. If BM has a problem/questions, she can reach out through DH.

DH can't stop BM from PASing SS on her time, but he can minimize it on his. Blocking BM's (and her SO's number...and MSS and OSS) will give YSS some reprieve from the crazy.

Remember, PAS is harmful. Your DH should do what he needs to do to combat it. BM won't want to take this before a judge because her previous messages would out her as a PASer. 

Maxwell09's picture

She’s doing it to get in the kids head. She putting doubt there because she is jealous that he and his kid are going to do something special. So she will seem to encourage but then put negative spins on it to get the kid doubting your DH.