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How do you guys deal with anger?

SM with BM from hell's picture

Lately I've notice I've been short-tempered and angry. Things right now are stressful, BM filed for sole legal and physical custody (right now it's joint 50/50), we are trying to sell our home to move, BS is a hormonal preteen, etc, etc. On top of these things summer is coming and I had to find money in the budget to get the kids new clothes. BS12 grew 4 inches in the past 2 months and can no longer fit anything, and the twins are also growing like weeds. I'm good at budgeting so I've been watching sales for BS12 and getting a lot of the twins clothes second hand. To me it's no point in spending a fortune for clothes that they will outgrow before it will need replacing.

Anywho, let's get to where I'm pissed. SD13 hasn't really grown much this year and can still fit a lot of her clothes from last year. I already picked up a few pairs of shorts and shirts that should be sufficient for the summer. Well LO and behold DH tells me SD came to him and said she has nothing to wear for the summer. I look in her room and most of last years clothes are GONE. Long story short she took them to BM's because she didn't have anything to wear there. BM gets CS so every two weeks she gets a nice check to buy SD things. I told DH he better get the clothes back, we aren't buying anything else for the summer.

This just adds fuel to the fire. We have paid an attorney to fight this custody case, which is just BM trying to get more CS, paying CS, doing all the driving, money is getting tight. I hate dipping into savings, even for emergencies. I just feel like the bulk of our money and energy is going into fighting to maintain a relationship with SD. I know it's not her fault, but I can't help but feel angry on exchange days, or even having to buy something for her. I'm trying to not let it get to me, I just don't know how to get over it. Since CS started DH has been working ot to bring home the same amount he was before. This means he's home less, and spending less time with the twins. Five days a week he literally sees them for 20 minutes before they go to bed. I hate this is taking over our lives.

Sorry for rambling, it's just a lot and I don't know what to do. Do you guys have any suggestions of how I can make this more bearable? I don't want to be angry all the time.


JustAgirl42's picture

LOL! I need to try that kind of meditation. I just wish I had enough energy to be running again... Sad

blayze's picture

Sorry you're going through this! Here are some ideas...

- Write, write, and write... post stuff online that makes BM-types pissed
- Read Steptalk
- Have sex
- Talk to yourself
- Make YouTube videos (to post or not)
- Have more sex - orgasms are wonderful...and masturbate while you're at it
- Do 30 day challenges like this one
- Cry in your car
- Organize something in your home --- and enjoy the accomplishment
- Volunteer for "less fortunate" women, and secretly envy their easy lives..."Oh you're homeless? Really? At least you don't have stepkids being loud as hell in your house!"
- Drink wine, and beer, and vodka, and smoke herb
- Learn new ways to style your hair
- Laugh at BM and think of ways to make SO hate her
- Hang out with girlfriends way more often than you did before
- Beat your bed with a baseball bat

FTMandSM's picture

Ummmm this is horrible advice especially the part where you intwntionally try to make BM angry and try to make SO angry at BM, wtf???

OP, don't listen to this...

Cocoa's picture

sometimes you have to say enough is enough. there are 4 other people to think about here, all resources cannot just go towards maintaining 50/50 custody. sure, it would be nice but where do you draw the line? your dh not only divorced bm (divorce is AWFUL, destroying intact families, and happens way too often), but he began a new family, one that is his main priority. i'm not saying that sd isn't important, she is. i'm saying the rest of the family is just as important and sometimes you have to cut bait in order to protect the rest. it's another heartbreaking experience but it's not like sd would be out of your lives. and she will afterall be with her mother. i just don't understand why the current family has to continue suffering and is sacrificed for the sake of an already broken one. if bm had custody, there would be no other reason to take you back to court - she can't just decide she wants more money. it takes away her smoke screen. yes, child support would prob increase, but you would have relief in knowing that you can stop paying these high attorney bills and finally concentrate on the other kids for awhile.

SM with BM from hell's picture

She did get new clothes, I'm guessing you didn't read the entire post. My son went to camp b/c his father paid half. Clothes disappearing is a constant battle and DH constantly asks for items to be returned, just like SD takes back clothes BM buys. And I'm not sure how it matters about how money is split, everyone got new clothes this year. I don't see the point in buying an entire wardrobe for a child who has some items that are perfectly fine from last year.

SM with BM from hell's picture

I think you are ASSuming things. it's nice to know you read past post but it seems you overlooked the fact where we already paid for SD to go to camp last year. That was all on us, BM didn't contribute a dime. So if I use your logic then it was absolutely fair BS12 also go to camp, the difference is his BF is reasonable and paid half. I do plenty for SD, I do not treat her any different than my own bios. I would never make her feel less than any other child in my home. I refuse to buy things just because someone else received something. I guess that's just how I was raised. My parents didn't buy everyone something just because one kid needed clothes. I buy clothes all year long, replace torn and/or worn items, socks, underwear, bras, etc, etc.

If you are going to comment on my blog, how about answer the question that I asked. How do you deal with anger, was all I asked, not if anything is "fair".

JustAgirl42's picture

MY SD TEN does this and it's no problem for her. It does become a problem though when BM is a bitch and purposefully keeps them.

stargazer0480's picture

One word for you. YOGA!
its calming and soothing and its something that's entirely for you. leave your stress and angst behind. and in saying that, outright talk to your step daughter about the money. she might surprise you and completely understand. my SD9, shocked my socks off when I talked to her about our finances, now she try's to help where ever she can, she wants a camp and bday party so shes doing more chores then usual to help pay for it.

good luck Smile

JAMS2011's picture

It sounds like you are letting her have too much control. If it is currently 50/50 then let the effort be 50/50. You go pick up SD when it's time for her to go to your house and let BM come pick her up when it's time to go to her house. If she doesn't want to come pick her up then that's on her. SD is 13 so she needs to learn responsibility. If she wants to take her clothes back and forth then it will be her responsibility to bring them back. I feel like many BM are fine with sharing the kid until they get to a point in their life when they think "this is hard I want full custody and a free pay check" The thing of it is once you decide to get divorced or pregnant by someone and share a child you don't get to just change your mind. Unless you and your husband are doing something God awful she cannot take your custody away.
Now if your husband doesn't care then there is nothing you can do about it because SD business is between the birth parents. It will help you with your stress if you stick to that plan. I have many children so I know how hard it is to buy clothes. We thrift shop and get hand me downs as well. I take each kid "spring" shopping and I take each kid "back to school" shopping and there is a money limit on each child. If the child chooses to get more expensive clothes and get less then that's fine but I don't shop again until the next season. I just can't. However I know that because someone chooses to be the victim and put themselves in that situation doesn't mean that you are a bad step parent. Some SD seem to fall victim to the whole "cinderella" thing. Where you treat your children great but you treat me poorly even if that isn't the place.
The best advice I can give you is to count your blessings. It is easy to get wrapped up in the things that stress us out to the point where it is just piling and piling and piling. But if you choose to look at the good things in your life you will notice more good things in your life.
Stop letting her control you.

SM with BM from hell's picture

My BS12 is here 90% and the twins are DH's and one. Yes a baby will ge more clothes, especially two babies. I also bought their clothes from the thrift store and consignment shops, so they are cheaper than buying for teens. BS12 literally went Hulk and has no clothes or shoes that would fit. I didn't even get him a lot of clothes b/c honestly he's still growing. I purchased clothes for SD also. The difference is she already had her growth spurt and can still fit a lot of her clothes from last year. I'm not cruel, I know no one likes to feel shunned. Even though she's here less time than the other kids, she still gets new things. Everyone likes to wear something new. I just don't get why you seem to feel she needs an entire wardrobe of new things where the majority of items from last year are perfectly fine. :?

TJH100911's picture

Because they are younger and grown out of clothes. Older kids sometimes don't grow out of clothes as quickly. What's wrong with wearing clothes two years in a row? I had to do it. OP if your children were the older ones and didn't need new clothes would you be buying them? Also, I know I often feel like I might as well just throw the money in the garbage for skids clothes. They wear them once and take them to another house and never wear them again. We don't see them again until they are 2 to 3 sizes too small. If I were you, OP, I would make sure she has a couple outfits (not just shorts) and tell her she is responsible for them. But that's all the clothes you are able to provide. Explain that younger kids outgrow clothes faster and that there is nothing wrong with some of her clothes from last year and you would suggest that she keep some at your house. Are any of your kids shared? If so, do they get the same amount of clothes that BM provides at her house and you provide for SD at your house? How is that fair for them, HRNYC? SD has two houses providing for her, one is already shelling out child support so they have less money to work with to buy clothes in the first place. Why should OP take on ALL the burden for SD clothes?

JAMS2011's picture

Take a moment to think about the time that each kid spends there. It isn't a competition. If one child is only going to be there every other weekend then is it really necessary for them to have 50 outfits a season to choose from? NO that's obsurb. That's like saying if I was packing for a 3 day vacation I would bring my whole closet.
Now things like insurances or college funds or prom dresses or whatever the spending is fair. Though, things like this I could see how the children who were there all the time would have more clothes, more underwear, more socks, est. I bet they even eat more food. Does that mean that on the weekend you would shovel a ton of extra food into step child to compensate for the food she didn't eat at your house during the week??

SM with BM from hell's picture

Thanks everyone for answering my question. I do have hobbies that have just been sidelined for a while. Perhaps it's time to start back up. They should keep me preoccupied and relax me.

JustAgirl42's picture

I still have stuff from years and years ago...not because I couldn't buy new, but because they still fit and are back in style. Yep, need vs. want is a concept I'm still trying to convey to SD

misSTEP's picture

My skids always came with brand name clothing. Luckily, I taught my bio the value of a dollar and he PREFERRED to get clothes from the thrift stores.

I HATE the double standard of NCP paying CS and buying clothing that gets taken back to the CP's house. I guess your skid should have her bag searched every time she goes home if she is a thief like that. She might not see herself as a thief but she is taking something without permission. That is a thief when you are underage.