Tired
Does anyone else get to the point where they are just TIRED. We are in marriage counseling right now and it's exhausting for me. There are just so many issues and we only discuss like 1% of them in our sessions. One of the reasons for that is that there are new issues every day because DH still has no boundaries for his kids.
They were able to take priority over me for a milestone birthday of mine just recently, so THEY know who runs things around here. DH's response to me bringing this up during therapy was "oh, well she (me) was on her best behavior and didn't make her frustration known." As if I am a child and he was commending me on my good behavior. Dude, I'm an adult, not your bratty child. I almost had a complete breakdown.
I also think I'm experiencing memory loss because of the constant gaslighting and blaming me for everything that is not going well in our relationship. I have a hard time keeping up with DH "re-casting" everything. It's maddening.
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Write it down
Your posts are short and without any detail, asking advice. I would reccomend journaling details of what your husband sais and what actually is happening/happened.
Many here have use this onlne forum to create timelines with details. Highly entertaining and also excellent documentation.
Do this on a daily basis. You posted last year that you have a quack marriage counselor who is insisting you keep photos of the failed first family attempt. How did that work out? New therapist?
Journaling realy helped me to go back in time. You have a husband problem, so track everything possible! Make a list of all the things that are issues for you. Just free flow. Then make a new list prioritising these issues. Start with top 5 (if its a large list). Make notes of what you are observing and experiencing.
Bring notes to counseling.
Are these isssues fixable? Are the deal breakers for you? Where are you willing to negotiate?
Great Advice
Great advice! I was taking meticulous notes and making daily journal entries, then got super busy with work and today was my first day back. I have to remember to jot something down daily even if it is not a full and complete synopsis of all the day's events.
Fixable
I don't know if the issues are fixable. The marriage counselor I spoke of before (that was a proponent of displaying ex-wife's picture) was not OUR counselor, he was a counselor for DH and BM to work out co-parenting issues. DH just continues to apply his advice to our household (which I believe is in error).
I think my posts are more for venting than "advice", which is why some are pretty general. Such as this one being about feeling tired trying to fix all of the issues that are going on in my household and feeling overwhelmed.
Journaling is a great idea,
Journaling is a great idea, but I gotta ask: if you know you're being gaslighted, to the point you NEED to journal so you can recall what the truth is, why do you physically stay with your DH? You are a grown adult and don't have to live there or interact with his kids. You can move out and only participate when you feel like it and when progress has been made.
I'm not blaming you for what he's doing to you, but you're keeping yourself in an artificial jail cell. You have the right and ability to live elsewhere even while trying to save your marriage. If you moving out is the final nail in the coffin for your DH - or you - then this marriage is already over.
Thank you
It wasn't until I started forgetting what the truth was that I started being alarmed. Also someone constantly beating me over the head with things being my fault is so maddening and draining. It keeps me from being the person I want to be in life because I spend half of my time trying to figure out what new thing I'm being blamed for.
I actually think part of my clarity on the source of my exhaustion and frustration is "re-entry" (I was away for about 2.5 weeks and surrounded by loved ones and friends, so I got used to a more nurturing "normal" environment), re-entering this environment has been hard. I guess that is a sign...
Lying, gaslighting, and
Lying, gaslighting, and passive-aggression are my top 3 peeves/dealbreakers. Not sure which order. If you think about it, they're really all the same thing. You're being abused. It's not worth it.
Good Behavior
So he thinks good behavior is you swallowing your frustration so it doesn't impact him? Jerk.
Sounds like a classic Narcissist. They are maddening to deal with because their reality is irrelevant to them.
Sorry
How long have you been married. Kids together? Sometimes to me it feels like damn maybe if you try one more time things will change and you kid of forget the last time. It sucks to always feel like a bad person. For me, I finally feel like I am being heard, but it didn't happen I'll I had one foot out the door and he finally saw what I saw. We decide to take a break from his kids and his failed attempts to have them want to have a relationship with him. The break has really helped to deal with issues, but that's definitely a drastic thing that maybe not everyone can do. Think about this. 5 years from now what do you see?...if you don't see things are better....why waste more time? Time is the only thing you can't get back.
Been Married for a Year
But honestly it seems like 5 years with the pandemic and al
of the...togetherness. Lol. Great advice on the "step back and take honest inventory". I'm going to continue to do that.
I've just reread a few of
I've just reread a few of your past posts and cannot, for the life of me, understand why you are still there. It's time to start planning your excape. Seriously? He treats his daughter like his wife and his wife like a toddler. How much of that do you think you can stand? What's the point in going to therapy if nothing changes? Nothing, not one tiny thing, of what you want is even remotely unreasonable in a marriage and your DuH is trying to prove the contrary. He wants you to bend to all that he wants without the slightest effort on his part. Good grief, you can't even close your bedroom door?!
This is a sham of a marriage and it's time you got out before you find yourself irreperably damaged - you said yourself that you are losing touch with reality. Don't let this go any further. Imagine how exhilerating it will be when you finally break free!