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SLO Mama's picture

Does anyone ever feel like if they just walked out, it would take awhile for anyone to even notice? After my last post, I finally had a break down and things got a little better for awhile. But I keep finding myself getting bent out of shape over practically everything. SD asked if she could look up some crap online and she went and got MY laptop to do it, even though she has a tablet and a chrome book for school. I looked at my partner and said why isn't she using her own stuff? And apparently my SO didn't feel like it was a big deal in correlation to my feelings. You're right, it's not a big deal... but what happened to asking to use my shit? It's like now that they've been here for awhile, all my shit is shared due to squatters rights. That's dramatic as hell, but seriously. My couch has pink hair dye on it from my SD, she's trashed her room which includes all the furniture I got for her since she was moving in. There's just no respect and I get my partner doesn't get as riled up about it as I do, but shouldn't my feelings still matter here? If something bothered her that didn't really bother me, I'd still be understanding and try to shift my energy to not do something or allow something to happen that bothered her. It takes a lot for her to get frustrated or angry, which I admire... but damn! It would be nice to feel like I'm not being extra for not wanting to share my iPad and my laptop with a kid that already has her own tech. I openly share my laptop with my partner because she doesn't have her own, but I didn't realize that was an extension to all of my stuff being openly shared by all of us without any say by me. I don't get it, am I doing it wrong? Is there a certain protocol for setting boundaries that I don't know about? 
 

I knew having a kid in my life would mean sacrifice and a lot of learning, but I didn't realize that it meant every waking moment would be spent allowing her to have ownership over all of it. This is seriously making me second guess whether or not I actually want to bring another child into this house with my partner. I really thought I wanted more kids, but do I want to add another 18+ years to the 8 we have left before she's a legal adult? I really don't know anymore...

Comments

GrudgingSM's picture

You are not wrong. Your laptop is your personal device. And you're perfectly within your rights to place that boundary with her. Tell her if she's not allowed to use your things. And ask her to please go find her iPad or chrome book. And if your DH thinks that's wrong, will too freaking bad. It's your laptop not his. It's really OK to have boundaries around your possessions. It's also could have boundaries around your time and energy.  I can't answer whether or not to have a kid with DH, but honestly if he's a shite parent with his current offspring, he's not likely to become radically better with another one.

NEW YORKER 4 LIFE's picture

I think we need to start holding these parents more accountable, at the end of the day it's all about how THEY raised THEIR children. You are not wrong at all, what happened to asking before touching someone's belongings? 

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

Deadbeat parents are tiring (i know what im talking about)

 

I have asked to respect my furniture and belongings but no one does. Rules are scoffed at or undermined by parents themselves....its a long battle that you will lose

One of my rules is to not sleep/eat on couch....the results: they do it anyway and openly....when i asked my husband why this was ignored, his response "what good is a couch if they cant eat/sleep on it"....Right then and there, i knew what to do. The couch will be sold and a hard carpeted floor will be left so that there is no choice but to go sleep in bed!

 

The only way you can win this is by parting with your stuff and keeping a little bit of belongings in another location or locked kind of like in asylums where patients stuff are kept on lock and they only allow them to access them for a little bit of time during the day basically!!

 

Good luck

BethAnne's picture

Stop going through your partner for things that directly affect you. If anyone else just started using your stuff without asking you would address it with that person, not a third party. 

If something affects you (or your stuff) directly then I would directly address the child about it. Tell her that from now on she needs to ask you if she wants to use any of your things and that sometimes even if she asks she will not be able to use a thing. When SD next takes one of your things to use without asking tell her that she should have asked and that she cannot use it. If sd fails to stop using your things or asking to use them, I would start taking things from sd's room to get your point across. MIght be petty, but it is sometimes best to show how it feels when telling how it feels does not work. 

The hair dye on the couch needs to be cleaned off. Buy some upholstry cleaner and then tell your partner that they need to clean the dye off, if your sd is old enough tell her that she should supervise/assist your sd. If it won't come off your partner should buy you a couch cover. 

The bedroom and bedroom furniture might be a lost cause that is not worth the battle. Call it a life lesson. Don't get your sd anything that you expect her to keep in good condition in the future.

When you start to assert these boundaries the behavior of your partner will give you a good idea if you want to have a child with her. Hopefully she will work with your boundaries and understand where you are coming from, and back you up with her kid then you know you have a partner that is willing to listen, try to empathise and help find compromises. 

I have often noted that having a kid in the house is the best birth control. It took my husband and I 7 or 8 years before we chose to try for a baby, partly because living with my sd put me off wanting kids for a long time.

tog redux's picture

Gimlet just did a post on boundaries - check it out. YOU set the boundaries and stick to them no matter what your partner feels. If she thinks sharing devices with her kid is "no big deal" that's fine, she can do it. But you don't, so password protect your laptop and let your SO know she needs to get her own, or use her kids. Will they like it? Nope. But stick to the boundary anyway. 
 

The larger issue is that your SO cares more about her daughter's needs than yours. That's a big problem. 
 

I don't let anyone use my laptop. And it's password protected.