Do I deserve to know?
In the custody investigation I initiated regarding DS8, the custody investigator included a report that ExW's new SS13 Ds8's step brother) has been undergoing psychotherapy (37 sessions and counting) and is on medication that is helping him with a long list of "core issues." His behavior caused him to be removed from school several times (my DD16 told me at least once in handcuffs). He is currently attending some kind of alternative school half time and is being integrated back into regular middle school. The custody investigator never found out what specifically the step brother did that caused his removal from school. I do not know if it was threats, violence, weapons or whatever. The custody investigator says that she was told by ExW, ExW's DH and counselors that it was because of "various behavioral issues." The number of psychiatric visits and extent of the treatment makes me think that I should get more details. But I know nothing more will be given up without a fight from ExW's lawyer, and I guess that both of the step brother's biological patents as well. What would you all do?
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I don't think you "deserve to
I don't think you "deserve to know" unless there is reason to be concerned for your child's safety, but I don't blame you at all for wanting to know.
My exH just got remarried to a woman I have never met, who is bringing 3 children with her. According to my kids, all of her kids are on medication for various psychiatric problems, and one has been a runaway on multiple occasions as well as seems to have dropped out of school. No idea what part of all that is true. I am curious, but until one of them tells me something disturbing about a step-sibling threatening them, I will just let it go. DS is almost 17 and a HS Jr. Surely we can make it that long.
Do you trust your ExW to keep
Do you trust your ExW to keep your son safe? Would she let you know or make other arrangements for your son if he was at risk in her home? Also your DD16 should be able to help look out for her brother too. Is she worried about her brothers safety in her mom's home?
When ExW got engaged, DD16
When ExW got engaged, DD16 moved in wirh me with ExW's blessing. She wanted np part of living im that hoyse, and ExW did not wany the striggle. DD 16 almost never spends a night there. I do not know how far I trust ExW to monitor the situation.
If they didn't tell the
If they didn't tell the custody investigator the details, there is no way they are going to let you know what the issue actually is.
No one, school or doctor, can tell you without their consent due to privacy laws.
If the investigation did not recommend a change, realistically, you are tilting at windmills if you persue this.
I understand it isn't easy
I understand it isn't easy for the parents. Ai dont wish them or the kid any ill will. All of the redponses basically say,"as long as DS8 is safe." But I dont know that. I know that the custody investigator suggested that DS8 and step brother alternate weekends, so they are not there together more than necessary (ExW isn't doing that). I know that when I asked for the name of ExW's new MIL that was living with them, I was told it was not a kid-related issue and I would not get that information. I really do not trust her to not get in over her head with this situation.
I understand it isn't easy
I understand it isn't easy for the parents. Ai dont wish them or the kid any ill will. All of the redponses basically say,"as long as DS8 is safe." But I dont know that. I know that the custody investigator suggested that DS8 and step brother alternate weekends, so they are not there together more than necessary (ExW isn't doing that). I know that when I asked for the name of ExW's new MIL that was living with them, I was told it was not a kid-related issue and I would not get that information. I really do not trust her to not get in over her head with this situation.
After all I read about spying
After all I read about spying stepkids and after having listened to my own reporting in to their dad on me and DW, I am hesitant to put DD8 and his relationships in that household in that position.
I am not sure that DS8 will
I am not sure that DS8 will see the nuances there. And I am even less certain that ExW and her DH will.
First off, I am assuming that
First off, I am assuming that an adult conversation with your ex about the risk to your son and asking what she is doing to ensure his safety is for some reason not possible (if not, that is the way to go).
If the investigation suggested them alternating weekends, and you have requested this to your wife and she has refused, then I would go to court to get it enforced. Consult a lawyer, see what they say. If you aren't asking for any change in the amount of time to custody agreements and are trying to follow the suggestion of a professional then I don't see that the court would refuse it (obviously talk to lawyer).
Then I would second LadyFace's suggestion. At 8 your son is old enough for you to talk to about safety and what he should do if he ever feels unsafe or if anyone ever hurts him or he is in danger. Make sure he has a plan for the different places that he visits frequently. Make sure he knows how to call the emergency services, make sure he knows his address at both houses and his/your/his mom's phone number. Make sure he feels comfortable talking to you.
Do this ^^^^^^^^^^^ And make
Do this ^^^^^^^^^^^
And make absolutely sure your son knows what appropriate and inappropriate touch are. Don't make suggestions of WHO might instigate such things, just say it's not ok for ANYONE to hit you, touch your privates (except in a Dr office with parent present), ask to look at your privates (except in a Dr office with parent present), etc.
*OP, sorry for my
*OP, sorry for my typo...meant ex*wife
DS8 is with me 5 nights every
DS8 is with me 5 nights every two weeks, so I have lots of time to adk him for details if I choose to do so. I am pretty dissatisfied with the custody investigator, who listed my speeding tickets back to 1992, but took the word of ExW's DH, a recovered alcoholic that was homeless and carries a gun (legally) that he has no criminal record. (She cites HIM as her source that he has no record.) I have nothing against him personally, but I thought fact-finding was part of this process.
Is there an official body
Is there an official body that you can complain to about the investigation? I would hope they at least checked the sex offenders list?
With your added information,
With your added information, I agree with BethAnne.
Time to go to see your lawyer and go to court.
Get the recommendation of separate weekends put into the custody order. Get the order to reflect that DD16 lives with you.
Once the recommendation of separate weekends is in the order, it can be enforced by the court. Right now it's an investigator recommendation. Get it as a court order.
You may never find out exactly what the school/ doctor details are, but with a court order of separate weekends you should be able to protect your son.
Answers that others provided
Answers that others provided address your DS. I just wanted to throw in an FYI about the new SS being removed from school in handcuffs. If the SS alluded to suicide, he may have been removed from school in this manner. My SS joked that he'd "rather die than ever go to English class again". It was overheard by a teacher and he was removed from the school in handcuffs by police and taken to the hospital for a 72 hour psych evaluation.
I know that suicide
I know that suicide prevention could be a significant component of the treatment. I also know that ExW told me at one point that he was on step from "juvie" and that his bio dad was frustrated enough at one point that he told his bio mom to call the police if she was unable to handle him. The counselors say that E has made progress, but still....
I know that suicide
I know that suicide prevention could be a significant component of the treatment. I also know that ExW told me at one point that he was on step from "juvie" and that his bio dad was frustrated enough at one point that he told his bio mom to call the police if she was unable to handle him. The counselors say that E has made progress, but still....
Alternative placement at
Alternative placement at least here is almost exclusively for violence issues. The fact that they have not shared leads me to believe the same thing. You have no right to know. But I'd sure be pressuring them to share up to and including hiring an investigator.