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Evolution of a Mini Wife - and Making an Exit Plan

sleepymeg's picture

Me here just venting again. I haven't been in a great place mentally for the past couple months. But before that I was doing great.

Lately I've been feeling really lonely. And bored. I know lots of us are.

BF brought up briefly my idea of going to counselling after we were discussing an earlier freak out. but apparently NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE so it's up to me to decide if I'm okay being unhappy with him. And I still haven't done enough to earn more alone time. Actually I've done nothing and he's the one making all the sacrifices.

Idk, I just really don't know how to like his daughter any more than I do. It appears she's reached full blown mini wife status so I don't need to be around any more. I just wish my bf would put our relationship first for once and stop letting the kid run our home.

I'm going to visit my personal counselor later in the week and will be looking up relationship counsellors. But at this point I don't even know if we should bother. Time to start planning my out.

Comments

JRI's picture

Yes to the counselling and YES to the exit.  That whole "earning more time" is sick and abusive, imo.   You deserve to be happy and cherished and it will never happen with him.  

futurobrillante99's picture

Earning alone time? That's so manipulative. Translation: When you act "right," I MIGHT reward you with a fraction of what you need." Eff that.

I would reward him with your absence.

sleepymeg's picture

He said all I do is ask for things from him and never do anything in return. Like he never asks? Otherwise I would. I'm literally begging him to put our relationship first.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

That's because his needs are being met. Yours are the ones that aren't. Are you having sex with him when he wants it? That's what they need. Stop doing that and he will feel the pain that you feel when you don't get bonding, security, and closeness. 

Cover1W's picture

My ex husband used to do that to me.  It was degrading and humiliating. Like his attention was my 'reward' for doing what he wanted me to do. 

futurobrillante99's picture

That's transactional. It implies you don't have inherent value.

I WILL treat someone with care and concern but I will also model their behavior to a certain point (I will not model abusive or cruel behavior, for instance). Silence will beget silence. Inattention will beget inattention.

I like a certain level of communication but if the other person is not willing to reciprocate, I will match their effort level.

It's like a dance. I will follow my partner's lead on effort. If my partner wants to spend time with me, I don't require him to be my bitch to earn my attention. LOL

Gimlet's picture

Ugh, please don't waste your time looking for a relationship counselor.  This guy is selfish and manipulative and I agree that the concept of "earning" alone time is abusive.

You have a good career and your whole life ahead of you.  Use your time to plan your exit.

Stepdrama2020's picture

"earning alone time"  Sweetie you have earned it just leave. Let your BF nestle down with his mini wife while you set out on a new exciting chapter of your life.

Just read on here all the therapy in the world will not make it better. Why you ask? BECAUSE your BF and the mini wife need counselling . Emotional incest is THEIR problem not yours.

advice.only2's picture

Eww you have to "earn alone time" with this man...WTF he's got some major issues, he's treating you like a child as well...even more gag worthy! Run far and fast this man is sick.

shamds's picture

They were taught by their mum to respect no boundaries, privacy or the relationship between husband and wife.

they actually thought they could answer me back regarding the parenting of my kids, were glued to my husband at family functions so that they wouldn't have to speak to family, they thought it was ok to strip my daughter naked and change her into clothes h tu ey bought despite us only meeting 2 times prior, they thought feeding my kids rotten food was ok.

i put my foot down with my husband and said you sort this right now or you can marry that crazy exwife of yours but don't ever think for a second I will remain married to you and tolerate this crap. Sd's did the whole crocodile tears i'm so sorry if upset you, to us there was no apology.

stand your ground because any parent that justifies and excuses bad behaviour is a shit parent!! Any parent that neglects his partner or spouse and says she hasn't earned the right, does not deserve to be in a relationship 

sleepymeg's picture

SD5 is an only child so she's glued to her dad 100 percent of the time.

We recently bought new beds and I had to talk him out of buying a queen bed for his daughter. Lately he's been sleeping in her bed and I noticed he was never taking a pillow with him. Then I look in her room and he has a spare pillow in her bed. 

At lunch the other day she was talking about how he always breaths in her face when they're sleeping in her bed... I told BF that I think it's weird that he sleeps in her bed so much and he got offended. Wait til I tell him I think it's weird that he still wipes her ass.

So basically I don't see him being as receptive as your SO was. But I do know where this whole thing is headed.

CLove's picture

Enmeshed they are. And "earning alone time"? Thats a b!tch cookie if I ever saw one.

Hes grooming her to be his mini-wife. 

Can you start building a separate life? Are you working, can you get  a job? If you have no family or cannot move back with family, start branching out with friendships.

What is your exit plan? The main part should include money. And separate finances.

sleepymeg's picture

Yep. I see where this is going. She's too young to know any different unfortunately.

BF said he needs to know when I want to spend a few minutes with him, since SD is an only child he needs to find something for her to do while we talk. Like are you kidding me? Tell her we're going to have a chat and you'll get back to playing in 10 mins. Part of the reason I don't spend a lot of time with them is because his non-parenting style makes me SO anxious. The daughter makes all the decisions about what they're doing, what they eat, when it's bedtime etc. And I need a bit more structure.

As for the plan, I only decided yesterday that I'm at my wits end. We own the house together but aren't considered common-law, have separate banks accounts. I have a well paying job and and well off financially. Bf would be the one getting screwed if I left.

Survivingstephell's picture

It is very weird he still wipes her. Sleeps with her, I'm surprised nobody has called CPS on him.  This is unhealthy.  Period. Switch the goal of therapy to escaping this relationship, not saving it.  Tell them everything that he does as a parent and get validated by therapist that it's wrong.  

sleepymeg's picture

She will for #1 and occasionally#2. But most of the time he does it. I have no idea if BM does. He's asked me before what age is appropriate to wipe yourself. Apparently his mom wiped his ass til he was 7 lol

He lays with her til she falls asleep then will go to our bed. But almost every night she wakes up and asks him to sleep with her and he never puts up a fight. For me it's just the pillow like he has his own spot set up, and that it's become a nightly ritual. I know kids want to sleep with their parents but he's not doing anything to mitigate this.

I don't think what he does is pervy or warrants a CPS call, but I do think he is stunting her emotional growth.

Merry's picture

He's told you that he's NOT going to put your relationship first. He wants you to "earn" time with him, like he's a prize. Honey, he is anything BUT a prize. Don't beg for crumbs from this man.

You want a partner that cherishes you and WANTS to be with YOU. Keep your counseling appointment, and start working on an exit plan.

acef92's picture

You deserve better, if you expect that he will change I'm sorry but he won't. Don't waste your time waiting for him to put your relationship or you first, apparently he is a child too. 

sleepymeg's picture

The fact that he doesn't want to change speaks volumes. In his mind I'm the problem. It's his world and I need to adjust, rather than the three of us creating a home that we can all enjoy.

Stepdrama2020's picture

You are the problem. Maybe if he says that enough it will become true. What an idioco.

Hun love yourself. Your first step was reaching out on here. Your next step? He wants a home where he is comfortable to hell with what makes you comfortable. His heirarchy him, sd, then the problem wife. Even then you arent a priority. BTDT and divorced the T shirt. I am not telling you to divorce him. Like someone above said its not always easy to leave, and maybe you are still at the hope stage? I had hope for many many years . 

You do you. 

 

futurobrillante99's picture

Exactly. So many men think "Can't you just be happy and go along with the life I have planned? I'll make some adjustments from time to time to keep you hoping that I'll be a full and true partner. Or I'll tell you that I already AM when my actions don't back it up. But what I really want is a happy partner that doesn't make too many demands on me, has fairly low expectations and can keep things fun."

CajunMom's picture

I agree with Gimlet. You don't need relational counseling. You need to get out of that abusive relationship and get counseling for yourself so you don't repeat this. You..WE...all deserve to have partners that love us and put us first. Your SO is an abusive, selfish jerk. Using counseling against YOU??? OMG. While my DH and I have had some knock-down, drag-out arguments, he's never once used my need for counseling against me. Rather, supports me in wanting to be better. AND he does his part to help in that area. Yes, he misses the target sometimes, but rarely.

PLEASE! Take care of YOU! 

queensway's picture

After reading everything you wrote I believe you know that it is time to just move on from him. Although breaking this off is hard it can also be the best thing you ever did for yourself.

sleepymeg's picture

BF talked to me on his break this morning. Said he was sorry for completely ignoring me yesterday (not even a text, which made me feel great considering I was just telling him how lonely I've been feeling) it's just that he's still processing things ie. He's still offended by my bed sharing comment. Also he wants me to be happy (as long as he doesn't have to change anything) and it seems like I'm not happy.

I'm in a clearer mindset today, I don't feel like crying and I'm ready to tackle whatever comes my way in the next few days. Also knowing that I'm seeing my therapist soon really helps.

monkeyseedo's picture

Yikes, if he's grooming her for mini-wife now, do you have any clue how bad it will be in a few years?  And this will continue well past adulthood.  My husband had HUGE mini-wife issues, I fought hard and for the most part though, he was willing to accept he was doing it wrong, and though many setbacks, he did make many changes.  She actually launched and has a job and lives w/her boyfriend (at his moms house lol) but still. She'll still pull stupid stuff once in a while with her whining or demands (can you bring me a sandwich, I ran out of gas)-which he ignores.  If she were 5 and he refused to accept what I have as input I would have ran out the door. You deserve better.  Don't let this be your life, You'll be much happier without them.