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On the verge of the D word...

Skylerlynn20's picture

My life feels completely pointless on the for me part. I'm 34 years old, married for the past 3 years to who I thought was the man of my dreams. Raising 2 kids that don't belong to me and both have different mothers. One ( 11yr old girl) we have full time other than every other weekend. And the other (8yr old boy) we share a 40/60 split and pay out close to $1000 a month on. My husband doesn't want anymore kids (not the story before we married and he knew how important it was to me to be a mother some day). Sooo here's my thing. I feel like I gave up the life I had ( decent job, my own place, my own car) to be with this man and hopefully build a little family of our own in addition to the one he already has. Now I find myself doing everything a mother does for these 2 kids, but I'm being told I don't get to have my own. I feel like a waste of life. All I'm here for is to cook n clean and drive his 2 kids everywhere they need to go. I put my whole life on hold to do these things, while both the other mothers have moved on started careers and done something with themselves. I'm basically feeling like I was just added to the family to do what the other women walked out on. I don't feel like my part is family, I'm just an add on. I want to say b4 this gets to far, that my husband is amazing in many ways. He's a very hard worker, great provider, he treats me great and loves me like no one has ever b4. With that being said, I still can't help the way I feel and no, it's not enough. He had a vasectomy after his son was born, but when we were dating I made it a point to let him know how badly I wanted to be a mother one day. At that time, he said he would have another child one day if he ever was married and happy again. We discussed reverse vasectomy and artificial insemination and i was made to believe those things would be in our future. Here we are 3 years later, and it's not even up for discussion. He says it's because he retired from the military that he changed his mind, but he owns his own business and does really well, so that just doesn't add up... I'm seriously on the verge of blurting out the D word. I have younger friends and cousins around me having babies left n right. It's really starting to set in that if I don't do something quick I will never have that. This whole issue is taking a toll on me. He wants to be intimate constantly, and a lot of time I feel grossed out like I don't even want him to touch me. I feel like what's the point other than his own satisfaction. Makes me feel used like it's just another thing I was put here to do. A lot of times lately it irritates me seeing him and his kids together and it infuriates me when I'm cooking dinner and they r all sitting in the living room laughing and being happy doing family stuff. The other day one of my pregnant friends made a comment to me about knowing how bad I always wanted to be a mom and asked me how I felt about giving it all up. I didn't know what to say, but honestly I feel a ton of anger and resentment in my heart towards my husband. I love his kids, but this feeling also makes me bitter towards them. I'm seriously going crazy, I don't know what to do. I literally gave up everything I had, including my car to get a better one/ family vehicle together. If I were to leave Id have to completely start from scratch. I can't discuss this with him b/c it just causes a huge fight every time and his thing is, well is getting a divorce and trying to find someone else to have a marriage and baby with worth losing what we have. I don't even know how to answer that, but in my mind I'm thinking- is giving up something I've wanted my whole life worth it to be with u and raise both ur ex wives kids..... Ugh....

I know this is a lot, but I have no one to talk to. If u read this and have something ugly to say, please just don't. I'm going crazy and would really rather not be kicked seeing as I'm already down.


Maxwell09's picture

I'd bring it up. It was promised or alluded to you in the beginning so yall need to get on the same page. If he refuses then tell him that his life you're living isn't what you want. But I want you to remember that you said you're doing all this stuff for these kids for him so do you really want him to be the father of your child? Because that would just be one more person you'll be looking after by yourself.

LadyJ's picture

THIS !! Sues response above is probably the most articulate description of that fear that keeps people in bad relationships.
So many people stay because they're looking for unconditional love and acceptance- if I try x or y he might finally see my worth etc.
if you put that same amount of energy into self validation, as Sue describes, imagine where you'd be.....

Shaman29's picture

You're at a crossroads in your relationship and you need to decide what the deal-breaker is for you.

Not what is going to make him happy, but what is going to make you happy.

If you're miserable and he is not making you feel loved, appreciated, safe or wanted.....then you have a tough decision to make. Instead, you're feeling like he married you to raise his kids for him.

Regarding his kids? They're not yours. Your H and the BM's need to step up and be responsible.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Personally, I would start taking steps to regain my life (job, car, apartment) and get a plan to get happy again.

furkidsforme's picture

Don't give up motherhood if you really want it.

I, too, was promised an "ours" child. Years later, I made a comment that the worst thing in the world would be if SD(then17) got pregnant. My DH answered that no, the worst thing in the world would be if I got pregnant.

Now I'm 42, and it's too late.

Don't let it be too late for you. Men do marry to offload the burden of parenting. Most don't actually want to do the dirty work of day-to-day raising of children. Most just want to be "fun dad" for a few hours. He probably did marry you intending to bait and switch.

But why are you so afraid to stand up for YOUR rights? This is 50% YOUR MARRIAGE, too. He doesn't get to call the shots.

yogasmom's picture

Just an fyi, my DH was retired air force. The va did his reversal for free. That's right, they payed for it all... 7,000$ total. And they did it in the span of 4 months. Keep in mind that if your DH has had his reversal for 3+ years the sucess rate for a vasectomy reversal tanks. He may not have his fertility at this point and may have found this out exploring the possibility of having more kids on his own. He may be to embarrassed to tell you. Not right, but common. If you can't live with this then get out, no2. The resentment is eating you alive already.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Men and relationships, I could take it or leave it. But motherhood is AMAZING and fulfills me and brings me such such JOY. for him to renege on allowing you to have kids of your own, would be a deal breaker for me and I would go through the D word.

Snowflake's picture

Yeah, I have to agree. Motherhood is a great joy.

Op- your husband sounds very selfish. He wants you to give up the joy that he has, raising your own flesh and blood as your own, so that you can raise his.

If he doesn't want to get a reversal, then you offer him the option of getting a sperm donor. You are raising his children and love them as your own, he couldn't love a child that is not biologically his. That right there would be very telling.

I NEVER give the advice that someone should leave a marriage, because I know it is difficult and hard to do. But You may not have a choice. Giving up the chance to have more children is a non- negotiable. You only have precious few years to find someone, and then have a child.

another step's picture

^^^THIS^^^^ If you can live with and parent children who are not biologically yours, he can do the same. If he can not find it in his heart to do that, there is your answer. You are the hired help. Sorry, girl!