My husband has a son from his first marriage (11) and our son (9 today!), who is mine from my first marriage, but was adopted by my husband. His son wasn't even two years old when his wife took the kids and left. My son was three when we got together and we've been together now for going on six years. Being that my husband adopted my son and has been living with him, going to school functions, dealing with everyday life, taking care of him when he's sick or hurt, etc., they are closer than my husband is with his bio son. It's nothing personal and, yes, my husband dearly loves his bio son and is even a lot harder on our son when it comes to discipline, but they are closer because they do everything together. I think proximity is EVERYTHING. There are many things that my husband wants to pass down to all the kids from his military career - medals, citations, etc. - and the bulk of it will stay with our kids. Not that he doesn't love his other kids equally, but because if anything happens to him while they are still young, he knows that their mother would never take care of these things for the kids until they are old enough to have them. Plus, it was OUR family that went through all those struggles of military life together. When things got rough for her, she packed up the kids and left. Their kids never really lived that life with him the way we did, so our children would appreciate the meaning behind these gifts. I think he would have that relationship with them if he and his ex-wife had stayed married, but they didn't. She took off and moved away and without that daily contact, well, they just don't share many of the same interests. They have less in common. Another thing, children are just small people and our relationships with the various people in our lives are all different. I don't have the same relationship with my son that I have with my daughter. I don't have the same relationship with my stepsister that I have with my stepbrother. We relate to different people in different ways.

~ Anne ~

SS is 13, and our son is 2. My dh can't remember anything about ss's early childhood, like how he was when he started walking, any time a person asks...was ss like this when he was 1? Dh's consistent answer is "I don't know.." at first I felt terribly guilty for ss, that his own father couldn't remember signficant moments about his first born, that I felt horrible when ss heard his dad's answers about ss.

I went to talk to our therapist about ss living with us, and bm ripping him back out, and I asked about this. My thoughts were that my dh is a wonderful dad to both of his kids, but definitely is different to our son, then he is to his son. His son is a child he loves dearly, but our son, it's a whole different world. And I couldn't grasp any understanding as to "why?" it is different between the two..and the therapist said..."it b/c the children have different mothers.."

My dh is just like your dh, has a night of indescretion, and bam..a baby is on the way. He did let bm move into his place, but he knew from the get go, he was being used. And did she ever. When he finally asked her to move out, she agreed, and when she thought he was at work, she showed up with a moving van to liquidate his house. Fortunately, he KNEW he was being used, so he made it look like he wasn't home when she showed up with the moving van, and he only let her take the things she truly owned, not the rest of his furniture.

I on the other hand, am a woman my dh cherishes, and adores. Although my dh is totally content with the number of children he has, he would give me another one (even though he really doesn't want additional children). He would move mountains for me. As a result, he has fully embraced our child, which is his baby. My dh will do anything for this baby, whereas, my dh is somewhat emotionally detached (sp?) from ss.

Also, when a child has been robbed, and a relationship has been sabotaged, I think men refuse to get completely close with that child in fear they will be robbed again.

I don't think you should personalize what your in-laws are saying about ss and bs. I think they probably feel sorry for him b/c of the turmoil he has been put through, and they probably are giving you the stero-type that you are evil and you don't care about ss as much as bs. You know that you and dh are truly doing the best you can for both children. And I'm sure that there are many more family items that can be passed down to 'timmy', it doesn't have to be everything. Also, when family herilooms are passed down to children, and it goes to bm's house, what type of guarantee is she going to give to preserve that item?

Another thing for me that might be in your situation is that my in-laws do not like me whatsoever, and they are very two-faced. They judge me no matter how well I am as a person/wife/mother, I will never make the grade for them, and they never have to play by the rules. I have learned that it is just best to not discuss family things with my in-laws. They always glorify ss, and make dh and myself evil villians, and they always try to manipulate our situation that we are "favoring" our son, and neglecting ss. And I can't tell you what a crock this family is b/c they have serious history of family abuse, and neglect, then point the finger at me;) Nice..isn't it?

My advice for you is, if you feel your in-laws might be teetering on not approving of you, or your relationship with dh, or you feel they are just trying to over compenstate for 'timmy', then steer very clear of having any discussions regarding your two children and the in-laws. Easier said then done, but try talking about anything but the kids...

Sometimes people just won't ever understand why we do things, unless they have walked in our shoes...and if your in-laws don't know what it is like to have a child not live with you, and the bm using the child as a pawn, well then they will never know how your dh feels about his son, b/c it hasn't happened to them. Whenever they make a snide comment disapproving of how you handle your heirlooms, just remember, they haven't walked in your dh's shoes...

You have my complete sympathy,
Candice