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Anyone experienced this with school

skell76's picture

HCBM historically has had her own agenda and fabricated information from parent teacher conferences and reported back to guessed it the therapist.  We had the teacher contact therapist directly correcting it last year. (HCBM was upset SD's IEP was dissolved. the counselor didn't see the need for one but HCBM swears we had outside conversations with her when we did not do anything and allowed the school to do it.  It only helps DH's case right?)

Moving forward was joint conferences.  Firstly the teacher was not going to give up her time and secondly DH was not going to have HCBM agenda in the teachers face. The last thing he wants is a joint conference but it saves time and energy later unraveling what she does.

This year....DH contacted teacher and said he'd just move his slot to the later with HCBM so that everyone was on the same page and have one conference.  Teacher replied with "let me check with HCBM if that's okay (red flag 1)

DH messaged in OFW as well  that with history past conferences were together and to keep everyone on same page...shocker HCBM said to respect her wish for separate conferences - dramatic much?

So teacher came back with the same and DH replied with it's unfortunate as we just want what's best for XX and to have everyone  on same page. If that's the case, I'll request a summary of HCBM's questions and statements about XXX"

Teacher replied with "Unfortunately I will not be able to provide you with a summary of the conference I have with HCBM. if you have any questions please contact myself or <principal name>"

Okay so first of all HCBM boyfriend is attending the conference so you're telling me the actual father who has LEGAL decision making (which includes education) and JOINT physical 50/50 custody can't inquire what is said about his daughter???

DH requested a meeting and provided the court order that is filled with all the crap HCBM has done and lost.  

Does this make any sense to anyone? Any teachers out there?


AgedOut's picture

request a meeting with the school counselor, the principal, the teach and your husband. lay it on the line. if the teacher continues to be unhelpful or taking sides, he needs to address it. this isn't about anyone but the best interests of the child. 

skell76's picture

I just don't know the teacher can justify not sharing infomation about his daughter.  This is going to be a seriously long road.

CastleJJ's picture

Provide the school with a copy of the CO and if the teacher continues this, demand a meeting with the teacher and the principal. This teacher is essentially telling you that it is okay for her to have secret meetings with BM and not share the information with DH. BM is clearly undermining DH's authority and legal rights and the teacher is willing to go along with it. The teacher shouldn't be asking for BM's permission for a joint conference and the teacher shouldn't be withholding information discussed during that conference. Clearly they are discussing more than SD's academic performance. Use that CO to enforce DH's legal rights. 

Every year here after, contact the teacher at the beginning of the year with an email and attach the CO. Outline that DH would like to be added to the class email list and that concerning issues with SD should be discussed with both parents. Try to set the precedence early so BM can't worm her way in with false claims. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, this is typical HCBM crap: Get there first and control the narrative, paint herself as a victim and the other parent as an abusive bully. I agree to escalate it above the teacher's head and provide background. Then insist on joint conferences. I will guarantee BM has found a sucker in this teacher, who will believe that DH has been abusive to BM and that's why they can't meet together. 

notarelative's picture

The teacher's response is strange. Most teachers want a single conference. 25 students is 25 conferences. What teacher wants extra conferences? Plus, the "let me check with HCBM if that's okay" is not only a red flag, it's the biggest red flag you could have. BM has already gotten to the teacher with her story of ... abuse/ uncaring/ deadbeat dad, etc.

DH needs to ecalate this. Teacher told him that "if you have any questions please contact myself or <principal name>". So do what she suggested and make an appointment with the principal. If principal pulls this same thing, escalate to superintendent. DH needs to make it clear that he expects to be copied on all correspondence and given the opportunity to attend all meetings. . FERPA rights are given to both parents. The school may assume that a parent has these rights unless it has evidence to the contrary. And evidence is not the word of BM. The school does not need the permission of the custodial parent to give access to the non-custodial parent.

tog redux's picture

We learned that doesn't apply to private schools when BM tried to cut DH out. Apparently contract law trumps family law in NY, and BM had signed the contract for tuition. But with getting attorneys involved, they backed off and allowed DH equal involvement. Hopefully OP's SD is in public School. 

notarelative's picture

Yep, they backed off when the attorney got involved. The didn't want whatever funding they were getting to disappear.

FERPA applies to any public or private elementary, secondary, or post-secondary school and any state or local education agency that receives funds under an applicable program of the US Department of Education.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, this school said BM's contract with them trumped the CO and the attorney agreed. I don't know the ins and outs but they did back down. They might not get federal funds, it was a pricey private school. 

skell76's picture

I appreciate your time in answering. I realized he did this last year and emailed teacher and failed to this year thinking's in a file and they all know. 

That was DH's interpretation as well re: principal and reached out immediately to set up a meeting since it's clear where the teachers loyalty is now. I said before bed last night if she refuses info/joint conference we know exactly HCBM has had chats with her. 

ESMOD's picture

Honestly, I can see how it would be difficult and more work for the teacher to have to do post mortem conference reporting for your husband.  That being said, I think that he has a right to know of any concerns or changes in his daughter's education/classroom experience that may be discussed during the call.  So, a complete list and breakdown? probably not. but if there is a significant behavioral or progress issue discussed? Yes,  Your DH should be aware of any significant issues that are presenting in the classroom.

Mominit's picture

But the teacher can't have it both ways.  Either they want separate conferences and she's happy to oblige (which brings with it the responsiblity to answer either parent's questions).  Or it's too much work to do a minute by minute breakdown.  Unless there is domestic violence, or a court order that trumps the rights of either parent, DH and BM have the right to insist that they be present for any educational, medical or professional discussion about the minor child.  An ad hoc conversation with the daycare provider, or a recess chat maybe not.  But a parent teacher conference, especially with BM's history of twisting and using those words to an agenda...I'd assert my rights to be there or have the entire thing Zoomed to me while I agreed to stay on mute for that conference (and then book my own where the other parent could do the same).


tog redux's picture

Yes, this. She can't have it both ways. Either do a joint conference or report to each parent what was discussed with the other. 

skell76's picture

And we are all on one page, makes the most sense then doesn't it?  He's not asking for a list, it's hard to tell what HCBM will do/say but she always has to have something "wrong" with SD. He has to rely on the teachers since HCBM would never a) share or b ) tell him the truth. 

DH doesn't want his daughter labeled by HCBM's agenda. 

tog redux's picture

Right - I mean, what if BM goes in trying to get SD on an IEP, and requesting speech evaluations and OT evals and counseling services, and DH thinks she needs none of that? 

Most teachers discourage separate conferences because they have enough to do. This one is sympathetic to BM's BS.

simifan's picture

I've been at parent teacher conferences more then once where "parents" were arguing over adult business in the hall, which I'm sure spilled over to the conference. Married? Divorced? - no idea bt uncomfortable as hell for the rest of us. So I could see where she'd want BM's ok to do a joint conference. However, your DH has a right to know what is discussed about his child. Talk to the principal.