Extracurricular Activities

I know that there are other blogs talking about this but I need to make a blog right now before I blow a gasket. BM has been really nice lately since she has a new bf...giving us extra time with SD (which I don't want and it is only so she has alone time with her new bf). I warned SO that once she didn't get her way she would flip out and go back to the BM we have known much longer than this fake facade she is putting up for the new bf!

Anyways, there is something in their custody agreement about extracurricular activities but I can't remember exactly how it is worded. I will have to look at it when I get home tonight. BM is currently throwing a fit b/c she signed SD up for tennis on Sundays from 12-1:30 (SO's time ends at 6 on Sunday when we have her). She also has her in gymnastics every night of the week pretty much and SO always takes her on his time. When she told him about tennis he told her that SD may miss an apt or two on our time (unless she wants to come get her and take her) if we have a conflicting activity. He didn't even say he wasn't going to take her but that he has a family (which she doesn't understand) and we are ALL important. Well that set BM off and now she's back to the HCTBM that I knew hadn't really disappeared and sending tons of texts and threatening court. Shocker! I told him to ignore her. The burden of taking him back to court over something that hasn't even occurred would be on her and it is just an empty threat b/c she doesn't like him telling her that his whole family is important not just precious snowflake!!!!

Texts:
BM- Tennis starts this weekend (her weekend)
SO - Really? You can't pick a better time? Not gonna guarantee that I'll be able to take her every time on my Sunday
BM - You HAVE to and I don't pick the times. That is great you think I can pick the times. She wants to do it. We talked about this yesterday and you said okay. (Basically she told him she wanted to do tennis and not the times and he said okay)
SO - I'm telling you that if MY FAMILY has something else planned she might not make it. I'm not making all my free time that I have which is when I have SD, constantly taking her to stuff. My family, including SD, has things to do also. All of my time will not be decided by SD's extracurricular activities. All I'm saying is that if we have other stuff going on in MY family, MY house, then we will do that. No one else is going to decide that.
BM - So sorry I inconvenience your schedule but this is about SD being active. You have a 2 week notice and agreed yesterday. Good luck, I know MANY people that lose parenting time over extracurricular. The courts don't play. You will see though. Tell a judge what you told me. You would be sunk over the text messages you sent me. All of your time. LOL. It's 2 hours on Sunday. She doesn't have anything Fri or Sat night. It is only going to get worse the older she gets. (see it isn't just Sunday - she schedules her in every activity possible so it is almost every night of the week and now Sunday also - SO only gets every other weekend off - the weekends he has SD b/c of course I'm not allowed to watch SD while SO is working).
SO - If you want to do that to our daughter than go ahead and prove how much of a C word you really are. If you want a judge to decide then go ahead. I love my daughter and I've always taken her as much as you have ALLOWED me to. Constantly putting up with your bullshit and you are trying to influence or flat out control what I do when I have SD during my time. All I'm telling you is that if I'm busy or me and my family are to busy and have other plans she might not make it unless YOU take her. Hell it might not even happen. It's not just take SD everywhere on my time. I have an entire family to consider. I know you still don't understand the family part.
BM - I understand being a family more than you ever will. The only part of your family I care about is SD. She is not going to miss opportunities or athletics cuz your family. That is your deal not mine. I provide SD with outlets and opportunities to help her deal with going back and forth. You calling me the c word makes my day. Thxs. (okay, lots of issues for me here - my kids miss out on plenty because of SD and outlets for dealing with going back and forth?!? REALLY!?!? she would be adjusted to that by now if you weren't a crazy BM feeding her full of BS and acting like she is more important than EVERYONE)
Still BM - I will always fight and put forth effort towards SD. SD is usually put last in your family or blamed for things. Your basically saying sorry SD you can't do tennis cuz our family has things going on. All it really is you don't want to spend gas or time.
SO- I never even said I wouldn't take her! All I am saying is that if something comes up I might not be able to b/c of conflicting events. I want her to do the stuff she wants. Sometimes it might not flow together. Period. It's not hard to understand and I'm not saying I won't take her and I don't care if you care about my family. If you think a judge is going to reduce my time because of a missed tennis practice you are crazy, and that is if she even misses one.
BM - You might want to ask about extracurricular activities. It's no joke but you might want to read our divorce decree.
SO - Do what you must. I was simply giving you a heads up that its possible the tennis schedule might create a conflict with my family and you might have to take her and you are flipping out over her possibly missing 1 practice. If that is worth a worthless court date then so be it. I also specifically remember the court telling us to schedule stuff on OUR OWN time.

Basically she is flipping out over him saying his family, including SD, takes precedence and if there is a conflict she will have to take her. BM doesn't like to hear that his family is important. I usually tell him to NOT tell me what she says b/c I get so pissed over this. I think he was forwarding me the messages to show that he stood up for himself and our family to BM telling him SD is the most important thing and my family doesn't matter....which is something I have been on him about so I am proud of him for that. I still want to throat punch BM though. She is the reason that SD has warped ideas and illusions that she is the greatest and most important being on the planet and the reason SD is still struggling with the divorce that happened 8 freaking years ago! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Someone posted a blog about what movie they would be in with stephell....I'm thinking mine would be the reality show SNAPPED b/c I can't stand this woman!!!!!

Simpleton21's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

He needs to ask what her

He needs to ask what her underlying motive is by over scheduling SD on his visitation time. What is to be gained by this? Bare her stupid butt. He also needs to have SD ask her mom why she keeps doing this to her? Teaching SD to question and think about what it going on will serve her will when CS is over and she is on her own for dealing with BM.

BM always claims her motive

BM always claims her motive is "the best interest of SD" and that SD wants to do all of these activities. SD is ALWAYS scheduled in something and it ALWAYS cuts into time with SO. SO always takes her on his time. SD is a turning into a mini BM and is VERY self centered. Having any discussion with SD will just lead to SD reporting to BM and causing more turmoil...at least that is what has happened in the past.

DirtyDiane, I agree with

DirtyDiane, I agree with both your points. He told me all this after it occurred or I would have told him the same thing. I also told him to just stop responding and only respond regarding pick up/drop off. If she wants to take him to court over the possibility of a missed practice then let her waste her money getting that ball rolling. It is an empty threat that she throws out any time SO doesn't respond exactly how she wants...basically any time he tells her that SD isn't more important than the rest of the family...

I agree completely. Heck,

I agree completely. Heck, don't even tell BM if SD can't go to practice. She can't force dad to take SD to an activity he didn't sign her up for. If she wants to pick SD up and drop her back off on his days, that's acceptable. I wouldn't allow my kid to be involved in activities 6 days a week but I think family is more important.

Bet your bottom BM will show a judge the "c word" message. I don't know about taking EOWE away from dad so skid can do tennis for 2 of his days but stranger things have happened..

I feel you on the BM fake facade with the new boyfriend, OP. Let your DH handle this. Ask him to keep BM's drama to himself next time.

I also agree and if he had

I also agree and if he had said something to me prior to telling her that I would have told him the same. Don't engage! I think SO was fooled by her being nice lately and didn't think she would freak out over possibly missing a practice. I think he is also just tired of basically being SD's taxi cab on his time. It all takes away from time for them together but he does it b/c he wants SD happy and I do agree she should be in an activity. To me family is also more important but BM clearly doesn't consider us to be SD's family...even though she has a little brother that is part her dad/part me!

I bet that BM won't even take it to court. LOL, but if she did she would definitely show the judge that. I have tried to tell him so many times to take the high road and not call her names. It is hard when you are dealing with someone as toxic as she is not to get worked up though. I highly doubt they would reduce his parenting time b/c he missed a tennis practice.

Her little fake facade is blown now. I think SO really thought she "cared about his happiness and him being happy b/c that affects SD" - little line she tried to tell him not to long ago....oh but here is the real BM again!

I do know this all could have been avoided if he didn't respond or engage though! Oh and I did tell him AGAIN that I don't want to see what BM has to say b/c it only infuriates me!

The crazies always threaten

The crazies always threaten court when thasy don't get their way.

I know and it used to scare

I know and it used to scare SO before I came along he was still under her control b/c she ALWAYS threatens court. I say let her take you to court. Let her go tell the judge that her kid is more important than his other kid. Let her waste her money...she won't do it...it is just a manipulation tactic.

BM- Tennis starts this

BM- Tennis starts this weekend (her weekend)

SO - Really? You can't pick a better time? Not gonna guarantee that I'll be able to take her every time on my Sunday
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
ALL your DH should have said is ….. “alright”

That would have ended the conversation right there. But instead he engaged her… 5 TIMES!!

She sounds like a crazy pants but it sounds like your DH helped her put those pants on a little.

I do agree. He has been good

I do agree. He has been good about not engaging her until now. I really think he only engaged this time b/c we recently had a big blow out over her expecting SD to be more important and top priority over the entire family and me telling him, fine, if you agree you go back to BM and be 1 big happy family that makes SD center of the universe.

Good for you- no one in any

Good for you- no one in any family is the most important or privileged member!

True dat. Whenever ss whines

True dat.

Whenever ss whines that he wants a snack before dinner (it's literally ready, I just need to plate it) dh would generally give him one, and then he wouldn't eat what was served. Drove me nuts.

One day, I jumped in and said nobody else is getting a snack, why do you think you're special enough that you can have one and nobody else can..... now go wash your hands while I put the food on your plate.

Later on I told dh that if there are rules we discuss for the kids it's for ALL the kids. That SS isn't more important than anyone else, he doesn't get extra stuff. At least, not when the others are there. I couldn't care less when the others aren't there.

DH never gave him anything "extra" since, without ALSO offering to my kids.

Oh and don't even get me

Oh and don't even get me started on the snack problem at my home! SO is constantly thinking SD needs a snack and her snacks aren't like carrots or cheese, it is like cake or cookies or anything sugary! I almost made a blog about food b/c I was so disgusted this past weekend with SD and her eating habits. When BM stated that SD needs her activities that is true because those activities are the only thing keeping her from being even more overweight than she already is....what she really needs is a parent that doesn't encourage over eating and snacks and "rewards" for eating her dinner!

um yeah, I would never stoop

um yeah, I would never stoop so low as to bribe my child to eat healthy food in return for a treat.

Why would the child ever willingly eat healthy food again, knowing that if they put up even the smallest resistance, the parent will turn into a mushy ball of sad begging, and then the kid only have to take a few bites AND then they get junk?

Duh.

Treats are treats, not meals nor meal replacements. No wonder the country is deemed one of the fattest in the world.

BM trained SD to eat meals by

BM trained SD to eat meals by rewarding her after with a "sweet treat"....it doesn't even have to be a "healthy" meal...BM buys her fast food mostly (I think based on observations and the fact that when I ask the kids for food suggestions SD suggestions are always fast food places vs. my son who suggests home cooked meals)!

SD does not eat healthy foods very often. Apparently BM's new bf HAS to eat healthy b/c he has heart problems (SD talks to much and tells us everything)...anyways...she tried asparagus once and liked it and now she is healthy! LMAO

This is how eating goes at my home with SD - weekday - snack...dinner...snack and then she goes home. On weekends it is breakfast...snack...snack...lunch...snack...snack...dinner...snack...I am pretty sure she is going to eat me out of house and home. She eats more than I do and she is 10. I don't even know how to broach this subject with SO b/c he does get defensive and I don't know how to politely tell him that his daughter is fat and needs to eat better! My attempt this weekend was to only have fruits as a sweet option but I let SO buy cereal b/c he likes it and I figured she wouldn't eat it b/c she is "allergic" to milk...well it didn't work! The entire box of cereal is gone. As well as the box of brownies I forgot about...she made them Fri night and they were gone by Sat morning! I had one!

OMG I would have a seizure.

Exactly, this is what BM

Exactly, this is what BM expects us to do with SD though and that is why SD has problems and still hasn't adjusted to 8 years of being a COD! BM thinks that SD should be placed above my entire family and any time SO refutes that by saying my entire family is important this is what we get!

SD has always been first until I put my foot down and let SO that our relationship and my son and our mutual son are JUST AS IMPORTANT!!!! BM can make the world revolve around her child if she wants but that isn't happening in my home! BM isn't doing SD any favors by doing this. SD is spoiled and entitled and super annoying to be around because of this!

I have a question. Can your

I have a question. Can your hubs call the tennis program (I don't know if it is private or a county parks and rec thing) and find out if they have different practice days? Maybe he could switch her to Tuesday night practice or something to help BM out, you know so she doesn't have to worry about her missing anything }:)

She actually sent a copy of

She actually sent a copy of the tennis program. It shows that it is only available on Sun b/c it is through an agreement with SD's school so it isn't like an actual program through the country club that has other dates available. I thought at first it was like the dance studio I send my son to where you can actually choose from different dates/times. I wish that was possible though.

How many activities does this

How many activities does this child attend and how many fall on your SO's time. I think it is expected that he be supportive of her activities but sometimes BM's do this to antagonise and reduce the amount of time you actually get to spend with the child.

1 activity on his weekends is ok but 2/3 is too much IMO.

Been in this situation from the other side. SS used to go to scouts, it was the only thing he would do (he is AS) and it was important for him socially but BM refused to support it and there was nothing specific in the CO about it. She claimed that his socialising with her family was more important. Our take was that socialising with peers was something he needed more as he got plenty of contact with family (hers and ours). So, I have a different take on this. For me it's all about what is reasonable and what's stated in the CO.

I would hate to support a BM }:)

She has her in gymnastics all

She has her in gymnastics all week I guess b/c some weeks we get SD on Tues/Thurs and alternate weeks just Wed so he is always taking her to that...also prior to that it was gymnastics and cheer every day of the week and every weekend for an event. Before that it was ice skating...it is always something ALL the time. Tennis is the only current weekend activity since cheer is over. She tried to get her into competitive cheer which would still be going but SD wasn't good enough. I completely think it is a control thing on her part.

I personally have my son in 1 activity. He is the same age as SD. I would have him do more but he isn't interested in more. I actually make him do the 1 activity b/c like you I think socializing and learning to work with others is a good thing.

I also try to look at both sides of the track b/c I am a BM and a SM. Her saying that SD is always last and acting like she is missing out b/c of my family is what infuriates me. I can't afford to do more for my kids b/c of SD. My younger son doesn't have his own room in MY house b/c SD has to have her own room (per their custody agreement). Her argument is BS. My kids are really the ones missing out b/c so many resources are going to SD.

I fully support BMs if they are doing things for the right reason I don't think that is BM's true agenda here. I did also try to be nice to this woman in the beginning but well she blew that...now I mainly ignore her!

From my experience: Your DH

From my experience: Your DH will be stuck doing all the previous activities since he did take SD to those activities on those days. However if he sends a message to BM stating that he was willing to discuss tennis, but since the schedule was not discussed he cannot agree to Sundays and FOLLOWS THROUGH on NOT taking SD to tennis, the court will likely uphold his right to decline the activity. BM cannot schedule activities on his time without his permission.

At least that's how it works in WI. Unless BM can prove she provided him with the schedules for the activity PRIOR to signing SD up for the activity, DH cannot be forced into allowing it on his time, nor can he be forced to pay for it.

Unless of course there is a CO clause that BM gets to choose all activities.

We have to check the CO when

We have to check the CO when we get home. BM put basically EVERYTHING in that CO to continue controlling SO after they divorced. I about barfed the first time I read it. I am upset that he didn't fight for himself during the divorce but he had also just been laid off from his job and didn't have an atty. His SM told him to fight it and he didn't. I wasn't even around back then but it sure has caused plenty of problems. I do also know that she likes to pick and choose what parts of the agreement she wants to stick to and not stick too. That quit when we made her stick to ALL of it even the parts she didn't care for. I know that it does indeed have something about extracurricular activities in there. This is why BM is pissed b/c he is trying to put his foot down and express that SD is part of our family and important but not more important than EVERYONE.

Nothing needed to be said by

Nothing needed to be said by your DH. If there was a day he couldn't or simply didn't want to take her, he could of just called the instructor himself and told the person SD won't be there that day. The back and forth texting is a waste of time, you know crazy BM is never going to see any other way than her own, so why even have the conversation.

I agree with that!

I agree with that! Unfortunately he engaged without consulting with me first LOL! I know that there is no reasoning with crazy! I really think he engaged this time because he is fed up with constantly taking SD to activities on his time and BM thinking SD is more important than all of us...also maybe b/c he thought she wouldn't blow up b/c of her little nicey nice act she has been using lately. I knew it was not sincere and the real BM was still in there...SO was just reminded! LOL! He assured me that he won't be engaging with her anymore.

what the actual F? how many

what the actual F? how many times does your DH have to say the same thing??? She is definitely NOT smarter than a 5th grader.

LMAO, oh DaizyDuke, she has 2

LMAO, oh DaizyDuke, she has 2 DEGREES and therefore is much better at parenting and knows more than us as well! I agree with other responses that he should have just said, mmmmkay, and then if we couldn't take her for whatever reason address it then...but I do know he is fed up with taking SD to an activity every time he has her. Watching her practice really isn't time spent together like when we have game night at home. I do believe what really set BM off was not the fact that he said he might not be able to take her sometimes but BM could come get her and take her...it was the fact that he told her that SD isn't #1 over the rest of us like she expects her to be!

BM- Tennis starts this

BM- Tennis starts this weekend (her weekend)
SO – that’s nice. (seeing as it’s on HER weekend – nothing more to be said)
BM – you HAVE to take her on YOUR Sundays
SO – No, actually, I don’t *CLICK*

All the other crap is irrelevant. He needs to ignore her shit. She cannot dictate what he does with SD when it’s his time with her. I don’t believe ANY judge would agree with this. If anything, the Judge would be annoyed and let BM know that she is not to book activities on Dad’s time the same way Dad cannot book activities on Mums time.

What the parents choose to do with their children on their time is their own business.

Let her take him to Court – it would be damn entertaining and she would look like a controlling freak.

I definitely agree he

I definitely agree he instigated her a bit on this but he is fed up b/c she constantly schedules things on his already limited time with SD.

I agree, I told him, let her take you to court and tell the judge that she thinks your already limited time should be reduced even more because you couldn't take SD to tennis practice one day on your time that BM scheduled. I am sure the judge will see right through her BS like the rest of us.

I did look at the agreement last night. It simply stated that the parent that has SD during the activity is responsible for taking her to/from activity. It did not say SO had to agree to sign her up and all the other crap BM thinks. Also he had another paper from their parenting class that stated "DO NOT schedule activities/plans/etc. during the other parent's time".

I agree, DH should've kept

I agree, DH should've kept quiet and not say anything about missing tennis....

Then simply go on with life, if you have something to do over the week-end and SD can't go to tennis, so be it.

Yep, I think we all agree on

Yep, I think we all agree on that. I told him that AGAIN last night when we were going over the most jacked up custody agreement I've ever seen. However, extracurricular activities are one of the items in the agreement that BM didn't very specifically screw SO on. There is nothing saying he HAS to take her to activities he didn't sign her up for. Court was her usual empty threat anyways and won't happen. Actually it is more likely that SD will hurt herself and not be able to attend. She has a very solid history of almost always being injured. I didn't say that to SO though b/c I'm sure he would be defensive...I give it 3 weeks for the injury to happen....

yeah, sounds too much to me.

This woman has been 4 1/2

This woman has been 4 1/2 years of too much for me! SO is now back on the no responding unless it regards pick up/drop off.

This woman has been 4 1/2

This woman has been 4 1/2 years of too much for me! SO is now back on the no responding unless it regards pick up/drop off.

Lol...so much bs from

Lol...so much bs from bm.
Good on him that he stood up to her.
Also on his time he CAN/is lawfully allowed to do whatever he wants with SD. He does not have to explain to BM what he will do.(He did that bc he is a decent human being)

I think he did it more so b/c

I think he did it more so b/c he is so tired of every night he has her being an activity night and he just got weekends back without activities when cheer ended but now BM is adding yet another activity.

BM thinks she can tell him what to do on his time and threaten court EVERY TIME she doesn't get what she wants. However, we no better, she can throw hissy fits all day long but it won't change a thing!

Are you recording said hissy

Are you recording said hissy fits?
For the courts as well as eventually Sd entertainment.
How does SD feel about always being off to other activities imstead of havimg actual bonding time with her parents? I bet she has behavioral problems bc of it.(apologies- I only skimmed other posts).

He keeps all the texts. He

He keeps all the texts. He did make himself look bad calling her the C word but it is hard not to call her names when she is going off on her tangent and threatening court and reduced time! Even knowing she won't follow through it is still infuriating!

SO always asks SD if she is enjoying the sport and if she wants to continue...doesn't say anything about BM...just has a convo with her to feel out the situation and see if she truly wants to do it. He continues taking her b/c she does. He truly cares about what she wants to do. I think though that SD is just so super loyal and heavily influenced by BM on many of them.

IMO she has a major problem with attention seeking behavior. Fakes injuries...super loud...super annoying...uses my younger son (3) as a puppet to get more attention...interrupts conversations. Actually everyone of in my family and my friends all see this also. The only people that don't seem to are BM and SO. I have tried to nicely address this issue and correct it. The using my son as an attention grabber is one of the main things I have put a stop too! Ex...she will say to whoever is visiting "gma/gpa - BS wants you to see this (a trick she teaches him) or BS wants you to watch this"...drives me crazy b/c BS is 3 and can talk and if he wants gma or gpa or whoever to see something he will let them know! She also sneaks a lot of stuff and lies (again SO is oblivious or just in denial) about this and it drives me crazy!!!!

No need to apologize about skimming. I tend to go on and on and on! LOL

You are here

Extracurricular Activities

Comments