You are here

Attention Seeking Behavior....

Simpleton21's picture

I'm just curious if other SMs on here have skids that seek attention constantly and how do you deal with it? My SD drives me crazy with her constant need for attention. My 3yo son doesn't require as much attention as she does (she is 10). I also have a 10 yo son and he also isn't as desperate for attention. I have personally started disengaging most of the time (thanks to the wisdom of other steptalkers). Therefore, I try to ignore her constant gimmics to get attention but she makes it hard to ignore her. When she is at our house (EOWE and 1-2 times a week) the whole atmosphere changes...it is louder and more chaotic and it gives me anxiety. I know a lot of this has to do with how SO and BM treat her (they basically coddle and spoil her). I brought this up to my SO several times (the attention seeking stuff - started with fake injuries, fake sickness, etc). He actually listened and has seemed to notice it as well but still doesn't really do anything to stop it. Now she is using my kids for her attention seeking tactics and I'm over it. With my 3 year old she is always telling him to do stuff and then telling us that "he" wants us to watch him do this or that...well he actually will tell us to look or watch if that is really what he wants so "he" really isn't looking for attention in these cases it is her. She has also used my older son as a scapegoat multiple times when she has gotten in trouble to divert the attention away from her. It is at a point where I am also not wanting them spending any alone time together b/c I don't trust her and what she will run home and tell BM to cause chaos (another thing she does so well). I think her problem stems from jealousy of me and my sons getting more time with her dad (even though he still has 1-2 nights of alone time with her and EOWE). So it isn't like we have taken any time she had with him before away.

Small example of why I think it is jealousy - Sat morning we were all in the living room trying to watch TV (I say trying b/c she talks nonstop all the time so it is impossible to watch anything when she is there) and she says "I feel like I am all alone - EVERYONE is on the couch but me" Okay, I didn't even notice it until she mentioned it but the couch we were all sitting on was right next to her and she was the only person getting any attention b/c she was constantly talking and fidgeting with stuff. Plus there wasn't room for her on the couch. It wasn't even like we intentionally all piled on the couch to leave her out! We were all in the same room!!!!

I guess I am mainly just venting here. I know a lot of her issues stem from BM making her out like a perpetual victim of EVERYTHING and coddling and spoiling her and SO needs to step up as well but how do you ignore someone that is always in your face and desperate for attention?!?!? I just enjoy my family but I dread going home on days I know she will be there and I dread the weekends I know she will be there!

Comments

strugglingSM's picture

I have one SS like that. Whenever DH gives me a hug, SS always has to show up to get one, too. A couple of times, he tried to climb in the middle of a hug between us. Sometimes, if DH is watching tv, I'll walk up behind him and put my hands on his face and kiss his forehead. Soon, this SS was doing that, too. The most obvious example was when we were all watching a movie together. DH was in the other room when the movie started, so SS was happy sitting on one couch, while I sat on the other. DH came in the room and sat on the couch next to me. SS immediately gets up and sits on DH's lap. I've never seen him do that before and DH told him to get off, so clearly sitting on DH's lap is not a common thing. I mentioned to DH that his son only seemed to really need attention when DH was giving me attention. After that, DH used to tease SS about it, but I told DH to stop. The child is in middle school now and I still feel like it's a constant competition. It's so weird, since I know if I was the child's mother it wouldn't be an issue. The kid wouldn't need to get an equal amount of hugs and kisses. He's in middle school, so it's not as if he's too young to understand.

I can't totally blame SS, because DH created this monster. DH was divorced for nearly three years before he met me and I'm the only person he dated who met his children, so I think SS got used to having dad to himself. DH also used the kids for an emotional outlet when he was divorced, letting them sleep in his bed and things like that. After DH and I were engaged and I would spend the night when they were around, that one SS would periodically sit outside our bedroom door at night. A little creepy. He's not allowed to go in his mother's bedroom at home (that she shares with her live-in boyfriend), so not sure why he feels like he should be allowed in our room. He's gotten over that and we've moved into a house, so now he has space that is just for him.

Simpleton21's picture

It is nice to hear I am not alone at least! I just think that at 10 she should be less needy and attention hungry. I wasn't the reason her parents divorced and when I met SO her mom had a bf that lived with them. They have been divorced for like 8 years. I think it is time to let go of the thinking they will get back together as a family. I do know that most of the problem is BM who always acts like she should be the center of the universe despite the fact that she isn't an only child in my home. My son also had to adjust to not being an only child and he doesn't pull the crap she does. I did mention to my SO that she has mini wife syndrome really bad and he is part of that problem. He looked it up and said it sounded like a bunch of jealous step moms! Really!?!? Ugh! So no getting through to him there Sad That is why I try to disengage but with her in your face attitude it is hard. I'm also not the only person that notices this. My parents see it and my SO's stepmom does as well. I even had his SM come try to talk to him (b/c he acts like I am just picking on his daughter anytime I try to enforce the same rules on her I do with my kids and he really respects his SM) and he seemed to get it but as soon as she is around it reverts back to a chaotic mess.

SourGrapes's picture

SD7 is a lot like that. She doesn't fake injuries or anything, but she needs to know where SO is 100% of the time. He has a shop in the basement and she tries to go down there all the time. I used to tell her to leave him alone but then I just decided to nacho and let her follow him around if she wants. If it bugs him then he can tell her. I'm tired of being the bad guy. She always wants to be in his lap, talking to him, following him around, etc. It can be annoying, but at least he's a good dad. Otherwise she'd be following ME! Biggrin

Simpleton21's picture

SD finally quit faking injuries when she was truly injured and no one believed her! Oh and when she does have an actual injury or illness she will broadcast it to EVERYONE...it is like her spotlight! She also wants to know where DADDEE is 100% of the time. If he goes out to the garage to smoke a cigarette she immediately goes out to the trampoline b/c it is within eyesight of where he will be! Gahhh!!! I guess that is a good point...at least she isn't following me.

thinkthrice's picture

You are giving me flashbacks! SS stb 7 would make weird noises, constantly fidget, bang on the walls, kick the chair, become visibly upset when he saw Chef and I hold hands, try anything that he could to get Chef not to engage in adult conversation with me by constantly interrupting.

Of course Chef would never tell him it is rude to interrupt grown-ups unless it's an emergency. He would imitate dialogue of characters on television as in an echo chamber then coquettishly look over his shoulder to see if anybody was paying attention to him or laughing at his mimicry.

If I were you I would not allow your younger ones to be around SD unsupervised. There have been horrific posts here about skids purposely doing harm to younger children for attentions sake.

Simpleton21's picture

OMG, exact same crap! SO never tells her not to interrupt either but one day my dad was over and she interrupted their conversation and my dad yelled, "HEY I WAS TALKING!" - I had to hide my amusement and she shut up real quick and retreated to her room!

I don't leave SD unsupervised with my toddler. I don't think she would purposely hurt him for attention but I don't trust her with him b/c she isn't very mature.

AshMar654's picture

My SS8 soon to be 9 wants attention all the time it is not even funny. He will sit on the kitchen floor while we are getting ready and scoot around on his butt. He will just spin in circles and make himself dizzy and start stumbling all over the house. He also is always wanting my attention more than his dad so he asks me for everything and anything he needs. It is exhausting.

We went to dinner last night and it turned into a big family dinner with my future in-laws my SO's sister and her new guy and the grandmothers and my parents. Anyway usually SS wants to sit next to me or his aunt not this time he wanted to sit next to the new boyfriend because she was the one showing him the most attention. That is how he is the person that gives him the most attention is the person he want to be near. His dad and try to curb it but it is so bad some days. It all stems from that he was the only kid living in a house with three adults and had an aunt who was always around and made him a huge part of her world.

Now he does not get the attention like he use too. It has been a fun adjustment.

Good luck my SO would push SS aside when he would try to get in the middle of us all the time. He would want to be in the middle at the movies, or sit with me at dinner, or we would hug and kiss and he would wiggle in the middle. SO just told him to knock it off sometimes or to sit on the end or the other chair.

Simpleton21's picture

I truly believe most of my SD's attention problems are related to her BM and being an only child there and her BM acted like she should be treated as an only child at my home but it doesn't work that way. BM doesn't get authority over my home! LOL

PaisleyMoonbeam's picture

Same circus, different monkey.

My SD is 19 and thankfully away at college, but has always been really bad about attention seeking behavior with her father.. My biggest peeve is her overly loud, fake forced laughter at *anything* that my DH says, funny or not. Like nails on a chalkboard, let me tell you...

It hasn't gotten any better and I'm not holding my breath for her to suddenly mature and have an 'A-ha moment'...

If I had it to do again, I would lace up those running shoes and keep going the second he told me that he had children.

Wine helps. So does Valium, just not together.

Wink

Simpleton21's picture

Ha, well since we have a toddler together and he is a good dad for him it is hard to lace up the shoes and run but there are definitely days where I have told him I would if he didn't get her and BM under control! Of course he doesn't see anything wrong with precious little innocent SD!

Gwynnafaye's picture

SD17 did this for years!! If anyone in the house had a muscle ache, headache, sprained finger, arthritic knees or hips, etc., she would have the same pains. She faked fainted in middle school and then said that she had low blood pressure, which turned into epilepsy (she has none of those issues). Three years ago, she told a teacher that DS knocked her down one day, and CPS was called. Turned out that it was something that had happened years before, and we had disciplined DS for it at the time. Thankfully, it was dismissed. She would tell people that she only watched TV for educational purposes and the news. Lie. That she hadn't drank a soda for years because of "health issues." Lie. She would try to act intellectual, and my favorite line of hers was "I'm so jealous of the educational system in Finland. (said in a snotty voice)" When I asked her to explain why, she couldn't. A few months ago, she started telling her friends at school that I was forcing her to drink alcohol and when she wouldn't drink it, I would make fun of her and that I was also forcing her to go to her junior prom when she didn't want to. DH finally went off. He had a come-to-Jesus talk with her and brought up all the fake injuries, the lies about herself, the better-than-thou attitude, and her lies about me. He told her that if she was that unhappy in our house, she could go live with her mother full time (we have 50/50). She came to me all teary, apologized, and I made her choose what kind of relationship she wanted with me. I could be the "mom" in the house to her, be her cheerleader, her support, the one helped her out when needed, fixed meals, drove her places, etc. The other choice was that I would remove myself from her life. We would be roommates and that was it. She would get no more support, encouragement, meals or rides from me. She chose me to be a mom. Since then, our relationship has been better than good. She hugs me every morning before she goes to school, she tells me she loves me, and she has done drawings and made me little sculptures in her art program at school (she really is talented). I'm kind of glad it all happened the way it did. Everything was brought out into the open. I'm her mom now (she tells people she has 2 moms), and I consider her my daughter.

Simpleton21's picture

I can so relate. She told me for 3 years she was allergic to milk and couldn't drink it and her dad and BM agreed. However, she had no problem devouring ice cream ALL THE TIME! I finally said (in front of SO's SM) "SD you are not allergic to milk if you can eat ice cream...you just don't like milk!" and his SM wouldn't give her ice cream for dessert that night b/c she was "allergic". I haven't heard about that allergy since! LOL! I'm glad it worked out for you. I don't see SO having a come to Jesus talk with her b/c she would go tattle to BM and then BM would coddle her and yell SO for being a bad dad and "not advocating" for SD. BM is a whack job that feeds SD's problems! Oh and I'm not allowed to "babysit" SD b/c BM has the most restrictive (in her favor) child custody order ever!!!! I'm okay with that though. I don't want to watch her Wink

Jyoung89's picture

My 8 yr old step son used to try to kiss my husband on the lips right after I do ... so weird , definitely fighting for attention . He would mimic anything he could do that I did with his father so we stop hugging or even pecks on the cheek etc .. so sad

secret's picture

oh gross. I think mouth kissing kids older than 1 is disgusting. I don't judge others who do it... but it makes me ill to see.

Acratopotes's picture

take back control.... if she's loud tell her to be quiet...

if she's seeking attention, tell her to stop, if she tells your kid what to do, smile and say :"SD , stop doing that you are not his parent I am, then turn around and tell your kid to stop acting up and stop jumping for her"

Simpleton21's picture

This is one thing I do try to do. Especially with my older son that she is always tattling about (and I know he isn't innocent or perfect) but I tell her she is not the parent and I am and I will deal with him. I have told her with the younger one (3) that he is not her puppet and that he is a person and doesn't need her telling him what to do and doesn't want her too! SO has got on her for always picking up the younger one but she still continues doing it!

Acratopotes's picture

maybe punishment for not listening....

time out corner, not allowed to speak with any one, not allowed to be in her room, nope time out corner is where you can see her.... and well use it for your children as well

Simpleton21's picture

I like this idea! I would have no problem using the punishment on my children as well b/c I am not delusional in thinking they are so innocent! LOL!

Actually, after MANY fights we had decided that we would sit down and go over house rules with all of them and list them and list punishments for them - of course SO is always "busy" when I bring it up and SD is there. Therefore, I know that I need to just do it myself and if he objects to it well then he should have done it with me!

Acratopotes's picture

no don't...

wait till you all are in the living room and then say - OH we are all here now, let's quickly have a family meeting about rules in this house and simply start...

see DH is there, give him the evil eye to support you Wink

Simpleton21's picture

Ha, even better!!! I like the way you think! I am so going to do that! I'll make sure I have the list all ready and pull it out of the closet and proceed to lay down the law! }:)

secret's picture

I think it's a normal kid thing.

My own kids did this when I was still married to their dad - and any time their dad and I displayed affection, they had to get right up in our face and try to hog it for themselves.

SS does this now, too - and we just leave it alone. Sometimes it's towards me, sometimes towards DH... we never refuse him a hug/kiss/affection, but we DO tell him to let us finish whatever it is we're doing if he comes up at some really inconvenient time... like when I'm elbows deep in rolling bread dough... No, I'm not going to stop to hug you - you can wait the 2 minutes until I'm done kneading and have washed my hands...

Simpleton21's picture

I don't mind SO giving her affection...it is all the other attention seeking things that drive me insane. Constantly talking loud and doing flips or cartwheels (inside the house). It is just so much more chaotic when she is there.