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The More I Give Up, The Better I Feel

Sighofbelief's picture

I’ve been feeling happier lately in this whole stepparent world. And I think this happiness comes from simply giving up. The more I step back and keep away from the hope of having a positive impact on SD15, the better I feel and the easier the visits go for me.

 

SD15 was rarely made aware of my anxiety, but my mind was always spinning with questions about her well-being and various interpretations of her actions. I also worried over her father’s parenting choices and over her mother’s manipulation. Now I just don’t.

“Not my job”, I’m not her mother”,  or “I don’t get credit for that” each are phrases that help me from climbing back into that hopeful anxiety-ridden parenting role.

Kid is emotionally abused and has been her whole life. Not a lot I can do except be myself and happy to see her when she is around. 

Comments

SSstepmom's picture

This is exactly what I started doing. I didn't want to disengage because they're not jerks to me (most of the time) they're 15 so. But they were raised how they were before I came along. I tried so hard to be a positive influence and I think I am but in the end it doesn't really matter. They live with us full time so it took me a while but I literally just got to this point over the past 2 weeks or so. I'll talk to them pleasantly. I make lunches for school and dinner for them and my own so I am still a mother figure to them but when they're off being sneaky or doing things they're not supposed to I just look the other way. Dh can do what he wishes without my opinion cause when I give my opinion I stress myself out so I'm done. It does feel good. 

ESMOD's picture

The courage to change the things we can, the patience to accept the things we cannot and the wisdom to know the difference (sic).

Giving yourself permission to step back and accept that we may not be able to save every situation is huge.  It doesn't have to be a rejection of a person to accept that our help is not ... helpful.

Harry's picture

But the kids still have to show you respect.  That your DH job to make them do that. 

Siemprematahari's picture

I wouldn't call it giving up but more like letting it go. Disengagement/letting go truly is a gift and glad that it's bring you peace and in a better space. You deserve it and should never compromise your sanity for anyone.

Continue doing your thing!!