Here's the story.
Posted earlier in the forums:
I came across this site by searching “I feel no love for my child”. This isn’t what I want; I just don’t know what to do to change it. Since all of our situations are unique to us, let me share some of the key points.
-I do not have my own children and I have very little experience with children. I did at one point want my own children, especially a daughter, but my current partner does not desire additional children and I now have medical concerns that make pregnancy something that would need to be approached with extreme caution. At this point I/we have no plans for additional children. My step-son will be my only child.
-I have a wonderful relationship with my partner. We have known each other nearly our entire adult lives and remained close friends despite distance between us. We are both divorced and have no desire to marry. We do refer to one another as husband as wife. I am able to be quite honest with my partner regarding my frustrations with his son, but I often suspect that he doesn’t take them very seriously. I think that it is difficult for him to comprehend how I feel.
-The biological mother is not very present in our lives. She left my partner and his son when the child was only two months old. She was an active duty service member until very recently and she has lived and continues to live very far from us, although her parents live very near to us. The biological mother has, in the past two years, seen her child in person only once for a week at her parents’ home. She does not call and she has stopped sending cards or gifts. My step-son is very adamant that he has this unconditional love for his biological mother, but I fear that his lack of a maternal bond has and will continue to affect him deeply. He is overly trusting of everyone, strangers included, and he is very clingy with every adult he knows.
-My step-son recently turned 10 and he has been diagnosed with ADHD. On his last standardized test he scored far above average in all areas. However, he is very irresponsible, very immature, and almost just incorrigible. He never appears to have any malicious intent, but his behavior is deplorable and no amount of discipline seems to be effective. He is often in trouble at school for stealing from other children, hitting or biting other children, or for throwing extreme tantrums that seem very inappropriate for child his age. I know I certainly didn’t behave this way at his age. I am so disheartened and bitter over that the fact that my relationship with my only child seems to be nothing but a serious of punishments with no end in sight.
-Prior to my entry into his family, my step-son had a drastically different family dynamic. As his biological mother did not desire even joint custody, full custody was given to his father. His father worked nights, attended school during the day, and did not maintain a permanent residence for some time. So until about 5 years old my step-son lived with his father in his grandfather’s home. From 5 years to seven years he lived in his grandmother’s home while his father did not maintain a residence. The attention and discipline my step-son received while living with his grandmother was very minimal. She preferred to have him occupied by television or video games and she established no rules, boundaries, or responsibilities for him.
-Since my arrival in the family my step-son has lived with a traditional family model for the first time in his life. He was given the option of calling me “mom” and he has chosen to do so. He says that he loves me very often and he shows great affection for me. His father is careful not to undermine me as a parental figure. I actually do the majority of the parenting as my partner works nights and quite a bit of mandatory overtime. He is steadily advancing in his career and it is very important to him and to the entire family. Due to the aforementioned medical concerns I recently discovered, I have left full-time employment and am now a stay at home mother.
-Here’s my dilemma. My step-son is and forever will be my one and only child. I want very much to be a mother to this boy and believe that he needs a mother’s presence in his life very badly. But I did not carry this child, I did not care for him as an infant, I did not experience his early milestones. I feel like I did not develop a maternal bond with him and that is something that I cannot artificially create. I have deep concern and empathy for my step-son on an intellectual level, but I feel no emotional connection to him at all. More often than not he simply gets under my skin. My blood pressure skyrockets when I hear him whine or argue, or when I read the teacher’s report of his unacceptable behavior. How can I bond with this child so that I can be a mother and help him through all of this?
This has become very long. If you read it, thank you so much for your patience and willingness to hear my story.
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Comments
Hello...sorry to hear about
Hello...sorry to hear about your situation.
I apologize if I missed it, but how long have you lived with SS? I'm asking in hopes that in more time you will grow more attached. Would you feel bad if you made a goal of being a cherished adult in his life, like and aunt or close friend, rather than a mother? I'm asking that with the thought that you may have set an unrealistic expectation for yourself. Also, have you considered counselling? I think finding out you cannot (or shouldn't) get pregnant is a qualifying event for some exta help, not to mention what you're experiencing with SS...
Best wishes...
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your kind words! I've been in my SS life for about two and half years now. It's funny how you summed it up. It's true that I get very upset for not feeling the way I think I should, or the way I think other mother's feel. I just assume that the bio-mom in this case has some serious screws loose! But something my partner said to me the other day really left me puzzeled. He said if he had to rank my two roles, he thinks I'm a better mother than wife! And I recently came up with a plan for our weekends. Weekend 1 is for my partner to plan a date night for the two of us, weekend 2 is for my partner to plan some father-son time, weekend 3 is for me to plan a date night, and weekend 4 is for me to plan some mother-son time. So we're making our relationship a priority, but still giving our son plenty of individual attention. I'm hoping that this plan will help me bond with my SS.
I feel a lot of the same
I feel a lot of the same guilt you do regarding how I feel towards my SDs. And it may be different if you had a biological child, who knows. My BS10 annoys me often too, but I think you're right in that since he is "mine", I birthed him and cared for him as a sweet baby, I am probably quicker to forgive than with the girls. But a lot of issues I have with the girls is amplified by problems with their BM. So a little different from your situation.
A few things I wonder might help... Is your SS on any medication for his ADHD? About a year ago my son was diagnosed with ADD and the medication changed his life. He was able to focus more in school and that helped a lot. Perhaps your SS is acting out because of his ADHD? Also, he says he loves his BM unconditionally, and maybe he does, but I wonder if deep down it bothers him that she doesn't care about him at all. That has got to be tough on a child, knowing your own mom couldn't give 2 shits about you. It also has to be hard on you knowing you can never have a child of your own, that this boy is your only chance to be a mother, and it is so difficult! I'm sure this is not what you imagined being a mom was like when you dreamed of it years ago. Maybe counseling, individual and family, might help all of you.
I wish it were as easy as being more of a trusted friend/aunt figure to him. That might work if your partner was able to be the sole parent, but it sounds like you are forced into the parenting role whether you like it or not because of your partner's schedule. I tried to be a friend to my SDs but I am also forced to parent when DH is working. And I can't be both, it just doesn't work.
I think you do love your SS, but find yourself frustrated and lacking the bond a BM would have. Being a stepmom is the hardest job in the world, in my opinion. Also, you may picture your ideal family, you, your partner and your child, and everything should be wonderful. And it just isn't that way. I understand this, my DH and I expected to be one big happy family of 6 (he has 3 girls, and I have 1 boy) and we have tried for 7 years. But it just isn't that way and never will be. It will always be him and his girls, and me and my son. I have finally accepted that, although DH still believes it should be that way. Your partner sounds like a great guy who supports you, but he will never truly understand how you feel. My DH is a stepdad to my son, but his experiences are way different from mine, and he will never truly understand what I go through. My son lives here almost full time and loves and respects my DH, and DH is able to parent him as a father and gets no problems from DS10's bio dad. He thinks I should have the same role in my SDs lives, even though they are only here half time and their BM hates me and my involvement in the girls' lives, and talks crap about me and their father to them. So my role as a "mother" to them is not very well received by them.
Anyway, I'm getting off on a tangent but was hoping my experiences could give you some insight or perspective. I really think counseling might help you and your family, and maybe some ADHD drugs for your SS! My son is on a very low dose but it really has made a difference! Good luck to you and keep posting here. This site has been so very valuable for me and my sanity. For the first time, I could talk to people who truly understood my feelings. My family and friends are super supportive, but none of them actually understand because they have never lived it. We all understand!
My SS is medicated for the
My SS is medicated for the ADHD. Perhaps the meds need to be adjusted. I'll discuss that with DH next chance I get. And my only option for therapy at this point may be to try for three sessions through DH work.life program. I am here for advice and I'll certainly take it all to heart.
I just read your latest post
I just read your latest post and think the weekend plans are a great idea! Number 1 priority should be marriage, because after the child is gone, it will just be you two...
My story is similar to yours
My story is similar to yours in many ways. My SS10's mother is barely in his life now, but I have been his primary caregiver nearly his whole life. I do have other children of my own, and let me say that even my own children are very difficult for me to tolerate much of the time.
My SS and I, although he has been with me since he was a baby, are not mother/son close. But we love each other in our own way. It has taken us a long time to get here, though. I should say, he was already willing for me to be his mother, and it was me who made it difficult. I gave up so many career opportunities for this family. I've had to live in this tiny town because of my stepson, and I've had amazing offers in one of the most beautiful states in the country. But I can never go. Well, not until he's 18 
Maternal bonds are tricky even for biological children, so don't be too worried if you don't feel that pull toward him. I think in time you will. And really, the maternal stuff isn't important. Just let him feel love and guide him and prepare him for a good future the best way you can. I think, from the little I've read already about your family, that you guys really have it together. Your husband is supportive and you are so willing to make this little boy your son. You're already way ahead of where I was when I started.
You said you have deep empathy and concern for your ss. That's a beautiful thing, because I don't hear that from a lot of stepmothers. Really.
There are so many ways for the two of you to bond. You guys can do anything together, really, but during your dates or movie times or whatever you do, really try to kinda look into his mind. Does that make sense? Try to see his soul a little bit. Try to humanize him. And share yourself with him, too. And laugh all the time. Try to see the person he is, and focus less on the behavior that you know isn't really him. The more time you spend together, the more you'll feel. Am I sounding like a nutty hippy? Sorry.
Adhd...my ss10 has these issues as well. He's always in trouble, always bouncing around, he cannot tie his shoes and he can't read or write. I notice when he is at his behavioral worst, I get more stressed out. But you know what, I think that is so normal to get sick of it. It's not his fault, really. And it gets really old tying his shoes and spending all night doing his homework with him. I'm constantly attending to him. Grrr. But, you know what, I just do it because I know I have to. The same way I have to do it for my own kids. I get through the day. I get pissed. And my blood pressure rises. On really bad days I have a glass of wine (this helps
). Some people run away and detach or "disengage". I've thought about that myself. I could so easily give up. I wasted a lot of years that could have been good because I focused so much on me.
Now, at the end of the day when I get that couple of hours with my husband on the couch, and we turn on Star Trek or have an epic Halo battle, I forget what I was so mad about before. I didn't used to - I'd sit and dwell. I just willed it away one day. I made a choice to feel good. After I changed my thinking, and let go of the non-maternal guilt and accepted my not so ideal life, I realized that I have it pretty good. Doesn't mean tomorrow isn't going to be bad. But I have something to look forward to every day. Something worth the trouble. And Halo really makes me feel pretty damn good, lol.
When I need advice or need to vent, I come on here and talk to a lot of amazing people, and that helps, too! There are a lot of good people on here.
There are a lot of amazingly
There are a lot of amazingly supportive people here! I am so glad I found this sight! I try to be mindful of my SS ADHD and how it attributes to his behavior, but sometimes I'm not as patient as I'd like to be. I'm trying to build towards and attitude of gratitude, but I think it will take some time for me, too.
Oops I know you're not
Oops I know you're not married, I meant number 1 priority should be your relationship with your partner.
No worries, Anne! We refer
No worries, Anne! We refer to each other as husband as wife. We're as married as two people can be without a legal document. I just thought I'd include that fact in my back-story because it may or may not affect our family dynamic. From this point on I'll probably refer to my partner as DH for simplicity. We've been together for about two and half years.
I have a question, and I mean
I have a question, and I mean no disrespect from it. If you're living together as man and wife, why not get married? I don't understand this way of thinking, and I'd like to understand it better. Please please don't think I'm judging you in any way..I'm not!