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SD is giving up on life

Shieldmaiden's picture

So, my SD19 has been living at her BMs house and not visiting us since the Thanksgiving yelling match. She still doesn't have a drivers license or a job. Last night she opened up a bit to DH, which is rare. She demanded to be taken off speaker phone becuase she didn't want me to hear. He took her off speaker, but DH keeps his phone volume up so loud I can hear the other person across the room. LOL. Besides, he was going to tell me anyway, because I am his wife. DuH.

Well, she says she is seeing a therapist to try to get a diagnosis of "agoraphobic" so she doesn't have to work. Or in her words "So people will believe me when I say I can't do something because its too stressful."  Hmmm. I'm happy she is seeking help. I hope that therapist is smart enough to see that she is seeking a particular diagnosis, and that they try to get to the bottom of WHY she doesn't want to leave the house. Its really more of a symptom than a disease in itself. 

Dh's viewpoint was " Well, I've prepared her the best I can. Now she is an adult and needs to have some the sharp edges knocked off of her by life. Its out of my hands." I think this is the healthiest thing he has said about his kids in a long time. I'm glad he isn't getting overly involved in her life at this point. 

It proves my theory though - she is giving up on life and hoping to have lifelong care by someone who will support her financially. I'm glad that is BM and not us. 


Ispofacto's picture

100 years ago people didn't have the luxury of being "agoraphobic", if they wanted to eat.

Her life is too cushy.


JRI's picture

One, she's going to counseling.  Two, your DH has a hands-off policy.  Both healthy.  I forgot #3, you're disengaged.

Noway2b1's picture

My DH will say the same platitudes when he's frustrated, then the next crisis hits and he hops right back up on his white horse. I've decided I'm too mundane and need to play damsel in distress more often so he is to busy to rescue them (jk I'm not going to do any such thing) 

justmakingthebest's picture

She has never had any real hardships. I have severe anxiety. I literally always carry Xanex with me. I have been found under my desk at work curled in a ball struggling to breathe. It's humiliating and sucks. I get having issues. HOWEVER- never ever ever has it been an option to sit at home. I have had to work and survive and provide. 

The real problem is she is catered to. She needs to be evicted. Plain and simple. I bet she finds once she is out there actually living life she is FINE.

AlmostGone834's picture

Get a work-from-home job. Society shouldn't have to support her because she doesn't want to leave her house. I don't want to leave my house either but like most people, I don't have a choice.

missgingersnap2021's picture

I work from home and go days without leaving the house. The longer I have been doing it the more content I am to order things online and have groceries delivered. Smile

classyNJ's picture

There was a month where I never left the house.  DH did all the shopping and errands.  

He pulled out from my desk one afternoon, walked me to the car and said open the windows, we need to blow the stink off ya.

Now I make it a point to go girls night on Tuesdays, take my mom to dinner on Wednesdays and go out to lunch on Sundays with DH.  It was way too easy just to let him take care of things.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Everybody has problems, but the smart people find ways to manage them.

I wish your DH and his ex could work together to help their daughter. Life is going to get progressively more difficult for her if things don't change. There won't always be a someone around willing to house her for free.

Shieldmaiden's picture

Ha! I wish the ex wife would put aside her controlling narcissistic behavior long enough to help her kid, but she won't. She would only use it as an opportunity to screw us over financially or hurt her child in order to hurt DH by proxy.

missgingersnap2021's picture

On a side note - I wouldnt want to talk on speaker phone either. DH should have known that. I always try to give DH and Sd privacy when they talk. Moatly because I am disengged but I also know she is more comfortable talkng about things when I  am not around.

Harry's picture

There something wrong with her.  Normal people , want friends, to go out ,to do things, see things. Amusement parks, trips.  People want to work to just get out. Have the money to do things.   Sitting at home is not normal.  She needs help.  As her father he should be doing something.

Shieldmaiden's picture

Hi Harry,

   Yes, her father and I did try to help, but she refused to talk about it. She is 19 so no one can force her to do anything. Her mom tried to commit her to a mental facility, but they held her for observation and they let her out the next day, saying she was fine.

So I'd love any suggestions on how to help her now. Other than some tough love, I'm not sure what to do. What she was younger, she refused to take her antidepressants, despite arguments from her dad. 

thinkthrice's picture

Rattlers into her bedroom?

Noway2b1's picture

Freelance photographer/web designer. Those "Careers" seem to give people a free pass to mooch as well. 

thinkthrice's picture

Digital media content creator.

Rags's picture


SD shopping for a get out of life card Dx flushes any credibility she may have had right down the crapper.

Goon on DH for writting her off. If she is giving up on life, it is her life to give up on and no one else should waste any energy on her at all.

Including your DH.


Shieldmaiden's picture

She hardly ever answers, and when she does answer the phone she is angry and rude. Guess who still pays for her cell phone? Yes, its me. I am giving her until her 20th birthday, then removing her permanently.  DH won't like it, but he will have to deal.