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Disengaging fully - May the odds be ever in my favor

Shieldmaiden's picture

I started therapy with a new therapist today, regarding problems with SD that DH willfully ignores, She recommended that I disengage fully on the topic of SD18 going to family therapy. SD and DH can't do anything on this front, without constant reminders from me.

So, I am disengaging and letting the hunger games begin. Me and the cat will have to rely on eachother for the next few weeks. She and I both retreat to a quiet bedroom when the skids come over. I am too proud to hide under the comforter like she does, though. Hehe.  

I wonder if I have to disengage just from DH, or if I have to disengage from SD. ( I already pretty much ignore her rudeness.) I would like to just be blunt with SD.  SD's mood better improve for dinner, or her rude comments will be met with "Please have some respect for the people who work hard to buy your food and pay for the roof over your head." If that hurts her feelings then boo hoo. Sorry. I am so done tippy toeing around her so she doesn't shatter into a million pieces, like her dad thinks she will. 

What do you think? Should I only disengage from DH, or should I also keep biting my tongue and fading into the background when it comes to SD's rudeness. 


Aniki-Moderator's picture

Is it possible to counter rude with "talk to your father"? 

As for they can't remember without constant reminders? Horsepuckey. Paper calendars, cell phone calendars, scheduled emails, cell phone reminders. They have NO excuse.

thinkthrice's picture

To disengage fairly abruptly.  Have no comment on anything.   Rehearse  "IDK"

Do nothing for them.   No personal assistant duties.  You've given DH numerous chances to parent, which he refuses to do.

Shieldmaiden's picture

The skids arrived just in time for their dad to make them a nice dinner last night. Typical. When dinner was finished they got up and left all their food, plates and glasses on the table, and went to play on the computer while DH relaxed on the couch and I cleaned up. 

I have no problem with DH relaxing, as he came home from work and immediately made dinner for everyone, so I am happy to do the dishes. However, I am not the only one who can put leftovers away or clear the table, especially when he makes every dish to the skids specifications. Why can't the skids help? So I took my plate in, and made one more trip to grab the stuff I wanted to save, then left the rest to rot. 

DH saw this and yelled at the skids to clear the table. They gave their usual response "Well, we dont know what you wan't done with it all. "   So DH says "Throw it away if you don't want to eat it tomorrow. "  (He still had to remind them again, and they used the same excuse, even though he just told them what to do.)  Argh. 

floralsm's picture

Haha yes the skids don't know how to clean up scraps either. SS is 10 and he doesn't know much at all. He wants responsibility of being able to game online at our house, have a phone, ect (DH hasn't allowed it yet) but has no life skills on how to wash up or put food away back in a fridge! They know I am OCD and will keep the house clean, but it's for my infant daughter not to get her hands on it. 

Cover1W's picture

Oh no, that would not fly by me at all. I do dishes when DH cooks, and vice versa, but I always make sure YSD helps me clean up if she's here. If she has LEGIT school reasons to not help, that's ok but I require her to, at the minimum, clean up her dinner things and wipe the table down if needed. And I'm disengaged from a lot of things, a LOT. I would have personally told them to get over there and help clean up and if DH had interjected that they didn't need to or let them go anyway with excuses, I would have cleaned up my things and just left it (actually have done this before). Because I'm not a maid, but we all need to help.

Shieldmaiden's picture

It happened again last night after dinner. SD18 had made lunch and left dirty pots and pans in the sink. After dinner DH yelled at SD, who was playing on the computer, to come clean them and put them away. She ignored him and kept playing. I walked by her and said "Your dad is over there cleaning up your mess."  I kept walking. Her response to her dad was "Hang on! I'm in the middle of something." DH cleaned it all for her. His choice. I just wanted her to feel some shame at her behavior, as her dad was just saying how exhausted he was from work. What a turd she is!

Cover1W's picture

I learned to not say one word. If DH does it that's 100% on him. I will not touch or intervene unless DH has cooked. Then, if they don't do it, and DH doesn't make them, not my issue. I have no authority in most cases. Let DH feel the consequences and time suck. And if he stops doing it, then other measures are called for.