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Slightly...no...VERY irritated...

shielded2009's picture

So I had a couple of girl friends over last nights for "girl time"...A few bottles of wine and dinner...

SD is here for her weekend, and she and DS were in our bonus room with DH. My girl friends know the issues that SD has, and all the drama surrounding her mother (to an extent)...

Well one of my girl friends goes on to tell me how that I should "do more" with SD, that I can be a positive influence in her life, and that I should care about how she views me when she grows up...

Because I had the right amount of liquor in me...(not enough to be drunk...but enough to release my tongue), I flat out to her to GTFOOH...

She said..."Hear me out..." and went on with her reasoning...

So I asked her WHY is that my problem? And why have you given ME a project? SD has 2 parents...and then you're taking away my choice of how I want to live my life. And who am I to think I'm that much of a life changing individual, when there are SOOOO many people in her life who can do the same, but AREN'T!

I swear I can not STAND people who think that it's the stepmother's responsibility to be "Captain Save A Fool". Why? People have to pass over WAAAAY too many people in SD's life to get to me...I see SD 6 days a MONTH if that! What about the folks that see her the other 25?? Why about her mother? Just because she's stupid she gets a pass? I gueess...Step mom...It's all your responsibility and if SD turns out to be crap...Step mom...It's your fault...With your 6 (actually 5 1/2 to be technical) days a month...Save the world...

Ok...SD has problems...EVERYBODY sees them...Okay..so why is it MY responsibility to carry the torch for her? I TRULY don't get that...Why don't people have this conversation with DH??? NOBODY says ANYTHING to DH!!!Why hasn't anybody pulled BM aside?? ONLY ME!!!!

Not to mention (I told my girl friend the above, so I'm not just ranting), people don't know what I have to do to manage and navigate the whole fiasco that is SD and BM...and how it relates to my DH...It's STRESSFUL! There are certain things that I do not do and am totally disengaged from regarding SD JUST so I can keep the peace and DH doesn't have to get negativity from BM. For instance...I don't buy her clothes...play barbies or do "mommy" types of things with her...When she goes back home and talks to her mom, her mom has ROUTINELY flipped out and called DH to scream and cuss whenever I do anything as simple as comb her hair...Sooooo to HELP my DH manage this crazy ass woman...I step the hell back...It's not that SERIOUS to me! As a result, DH and my relationship runs quite smoothly which is MOST important to me...

I'm so irritated right now...SO. FREAKING. IRRITATED...

So I told my girl friend (nicely, I think...I was tipsy) that I resented her saying anything to me when she's not privy to the entire story, when she hasn't seen what I've been going through and how we've gotten to this point for the past 5 years...

She said that she's NEVER seen SD act out or anything...I let her know that was because when she's with DH, he's got her on a VERY short leash...She KNOWS that she can't pull any crap. So I told her for example...SD got put out of class AGAIN on Monday, also on Thursday she was defiant in after school care that they had to call her mother to come and get her early...

Of course I got the open mouth and blank stare from my girl friend. And I told her, don't come into my arena with your limited knowledge telling me you're not judging me, "BUT" and then you proceed to judge me...I told her what you see when you're over here is a freaking trained circus act...TRUST...DH has SD yoked up so good, you'd THINK she was normal...and we've had to finesse and manage and tweak our house FOR YEARS to get it to this point...We're walking a tight rope, with one arm up, and on one tip toe, with spinning plates in each hand...THAT'S how we're living...

I'm so freaking irritated...I'm not done with her, either...I'mma call her ass today to finish up...She wont have crap to say when this is over...

Comments

stepmonster_2011's picture

I can relate. Friends "mean well", but truly don't get it, unless they have a step child of their own. I've had to stop discussing the SS and my home life issues regarding him with my friends.

Rarely can any of them just listen when I need to vent - they want to offer solutions (which duh I've already tried) or pacify me with "that's normal" (no it is not normal to use an entire bottle of bbq sauce for 10 chicken nuggets)...

With that said though - I don't think I'd call her again today and chew her out. I think I would let it be for now. You've stated your piece, hopefully now she's doing some thinking about her judgements. Best case scenario? She calls you to apologize for making assumptions based on her limited exposure to the situation.

And lastly - I love your analogy of the circus act. I feel like that many days as well. Smile

Hang in there!

stepfamilyfriend's picture

When we tell our friends some of the private stuff in our lives, we somehow open the door for advice. That is probably why no one says anything to your DH, because he doesn't tell them about the problems at home.
I am sure it is irritating, but I would not call your friend and " finish it off". It dies not mean she is not your friend, she just has a partial idea of what is going on. But friends don't just tell you that you are 100% right, not real friends. Just talk to her, keeping in mind that you did open the door by telling your friends about SD and bm. Had you not said a thing, you would not have received this unwelcome advice.
My friends give me advice, but no one does to DH, because he keeps our family life private, completely.

shielded2009's picture

I agree...and disagree...

The biggest issue...that folks can see (speaking of DH's family) is that SD has behavioral issues...They don't go to DH to address them...They come to me...I don't talk to these people...They see it as MY responsibility to "fix" her...I'd don't talk to them at all...I've not divulged "issues" with them...but they still come to me to "do something"...not DH...

So while I understand what you're saying...It's not that cut and dry...People don't go to DH because he doesn't say anything...They don't go to DH because they see raising and rearing as a "woman's" job and it's MY responsibility...

Disneyfan's picture

It's not fair to expect our friends to just listen to us vent but never give their input Or to always agree with/support us.
A true friend should be able to give support, as well as say things you don't want to hear without getting bashed.

stepmonster_2011's picture

I agree that you should NEVER not expect input and opinions when you vent. But sometimes it is nice to be able to just let it out. I don't expect agreement - but sometimes a sympathetic ear goes a really long way.

(side note - you have to be willing to do the same in return for your friend though!)

shielded2009's picture

Thanks, but if you guys will re-read...I was not VENTING...She brought the conversation up...I didn't...

I'm okay with input and opinions...and thank you all for yours you make great points, but with this conversation with my friend I was DEFENDING...which is different...

I was a bit insulted that she'd bring up a conversation out of the blue regarding something she knows little about...

shielded2009's picture

Totally get what you're saying...and maybe ONE day I can get to the point where we're not juggling a lit stick of dynamite...

How I am with SD is the best case scenario right now...Maybe in a while when her mother calms down, I can insert myself more...But considering she's violent (went to jail for attacking DH) we try to reduce as much drama as possible...It just works best, sadly...

It's not just about SD...There are more people affected by this...Me...DH...DS...

twopines's picture

Dang, your friend sure knows how to bring down a Girl's Night...talking about skids...blech. Definitely wrong place and wrong time. Sorry she had to do that. I'm not sure why she thought her advice was wanted, or even correct.

shielded2009's picture

Thanks...You actually get it...

It was a total mood killer ESPECIALLY SINCE I WASN'T "VENTING"...She brought the conversation up, and I had to defend myself...

But yeah...

shielded2009's picture

Thanks!

She contacted me today to apologize...She said she had no business sticking her nose in our business when she doesn't know what's going on...She said after I clued her in fully, she felt bad...

C'est la vie...