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Shiba Mom's picture

Hey step folks! I'm brand new here, and looking to talk with other step-parents about the kinds of things only non-bio parents feel and understand. I decided to google support groups, and found this website. 

I've had a lot going on in my life recently revolving around my step-parenting situation. I don't really have anyone around me who can properly empathize with the way I'm feeling. I love my SO, but I don't think he can grasp fully what it's like to love two young kids so much, and have people denying your role in their life. No matter what, he'll always be their father. Most of the bad feelings I face right now revolve around family; my SO's mother's side, his father's side, and how they treat me versus his EX. How it complicated the boys' lives, and how it frustrates me that adults won't put the children first. 


GrudgingSM's picture

Most of us are here because we struggle with the kids, the bio mom (BM), and sometimes the other family (in-laws), which sounds like your situation. People are really honest in their feedback here, which I'm so grateful for. I find it cathartic just to read the blogs each day, even if I don't post. It's nice to not feel alone.

I don't know all the specifics, but yeah, not everyone sees the role of stepmom (SM) the same, whether that's the dear husband (DH), the kids, the in-laws, the ex, etc. I think it's MOST important that you and your DH are on the same page about what your role is. Then, if family is dismissive or the ex or whatever, the bio parent in the house backs you up. I'm an SM who doesn't want to be a parent. I'm happy being the aunt figure who's kind and respectful but not super involved in parenting choices and certainly not a part of discipline. But all of that is stuff you should talk through with your DH and make sure you agree. You can't control the way others see you, but you can have clarity for yourself and with your partner. I also personally have that conversation with skids, too, and my relationship with each looks different because I don't think being a SM is a one-size-fits-all role, and I like to be clear about expectations with everyone. 

StepUltimate's picture

Glad you found the ST community - you'll hear your story from those who have been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Lots of understanding, feedback, compassion & encouragement here. The support & wise council isn't free; we've all paid StepParent dues (emotional, physical, spacial, mental & psyche), so having this anonymous supportive community is priceless.

Welcome! Biggrin

Merry's picture


This is a great community. You'll get good advice and opinions, and sometimes hard truths. We don't always agree, and one person's advice might not work for someone else. So take what works for you.

I've been a member for 8 years (gah!) and my sanity is mostly in tact due in large part to the support here.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Thank God for this place. I am generally a caretaker/people pleaser, but in my situation, i had a deep sense of things not being right. My SO, with 4 kids, 2 BMs, and what i think is an entire personality disordered family, was so needy and needed and accepted all the help i could give and more. His BM (one of them anyway) ran his house and his entire life, he coslept with all of the kids, and there were zero boundaries anywhere.

 I desperately started searching the internet for others with my problem. This was the only place where i found other people dealing with every single one of the issues i was struggling with. Our society in general is very kid-centric and tends to vilify the stepmother role. When talking to people in person or looking at other websites for moms, most people tended to tow the line of "the kids come first! Do WHATEVER it takes to make sure the kids are happy! The kids are what matter here! Aren't you honored to be able to help them? You have to put yourself aside for the good of the kids!" 

After reading this site i have determined that only stepparents or others in long-term relationships involving this kind of dysfunction get it. I don't know if my relationship is salvageable, but i do know now that there are certain behaviors and situations that i will never accept again. That there is a set or pattern of behaviors in this kind of dysfunction and i am fighting it every step of the way. At least until things change or i finally get tired, drop the rope, and walk away. In the meantime i will try to let other people, especially those new to this, that they also deserve personal space and privacy, respect as an adult in their home, and to be valued as their significant other's *most* significant other (not some prior BM!) as long as the needs of the kids are being met. You matter, even if (gasp) you never spawned kids with your partner! 

CLove's picture

Ive been here for over 4 years and its totally been my lifeline! the fact that its somewhat anonymous means that you can be utterly and completely honest with us and yourself  - no one will sugar coat things if they feel it will help you better to give the more bitter pill to swallow. My recommendation is to read as much as you can on here, you might find some answers to questions you didnt know you had.

Ive got 2 SDs, Munchkin SD14 (who is sweet and kind and really lovely - a digital artist like yourself, smart and most importantly she cares for me) and Feral Forger SD21 (lies, steals, is mean and rude, much like her mother in personality, we dont have much of a relationship)

I dont have an issue with the in-laws - my husbands family likes me and hates his ex, Toxic Troll, and both FIL and MIL have passed away, so no issue there. My main issues are the BM (Bio Mother) Toxic Troll, and sometimes Feral Forger SD21. Right now Toxic Troll. 

I agree that unless you are a step parent you really wont truly "get it". I have no bios, so I also come here for parenting advice as Munchkin SD14 often asks me to "step" into the parenting role. Of course then I step aside, because I have determined that she has 2 parents and I am not here to "fill in the blank spaces" (well, I do sometimes I just cant help it!).

One thing you will see quite often is that we tend to get frustrated at the "blurred lines" of roles and responsibilities. 

I look forward to your posts!

PS: I love Shibas too, but Toxic Troll got a Shiba-Husky mix last march. From a backyard breeder. I feel REALLY sorry for this poor poochie as she has been battling mange all last year as well as lack of training and excercise (translation she still poos and pees inside and chews everything as well as cries a lot when left alone)

JRI's picture

Rumplestilskin mentioned patterns.  Im a relatively new member, I'm 76, the BM and SM of 5. Thank God, my day-to-day step days are over.  But this site is valuable to help me understand some of the dynamics and patterns I dealt with and still do.  My SH59 was/is a mini-wife and DH83 is a (somewhat) recovering Disney Dad.  So, I still post, mostly in frustration over SD.  Its good to have the words ( disengagement, BM, entitlement, etc) to describe things.  I agree, this site will help save your sanity.  Good luck.