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BM walks all throughout the house we now share

shelly36's picture

Hello all! I'm new here but have read some posts. I just want to know if I'm being too sensitive. I moved in with my boyfriend and his two teenage sons (14 and 17) about 6 months ago. The house I moved into is the house he shared with his ex. He still allows her to come into the house and walk all around. Actually, he invites her in and asks her to look at the water heater, at the kids' bedrooms, etc. I've mentioned several times that I'm not comfortable with that. Each time he acts like I'm trying to make him choose between me and the kids. But, all I'm saying is she has no reason to be walking past the bedroom when I'm laying there! The kids are old enough that they don't need their mommy to come look at their room. The kids have no boundaries at all. We got along for the most part until I moved in. now there's constantly a power struggle over everything. After making a comment last night to one of the boys he said, "Why are you even in this conversation!? You have no right to say anything!" Now I feel like I've made a terrible, terrible mistake!


Totalybogus's picture

Girly run! He doesn't value your imput with his children and he has chosen to make you feel like a second class citizen with his x-wife.

No she should not be tromping through YOUR home. It doesn't matter that she lived there before.. that is past tense.

You seriously need to sit this guy down and tell him the facts of life. He either accepts you as an equal partner or you are walking.

6 Months isn't enough time to waste anymore time if you don't get results.

Most Evil's picture

I completely agree with Totalybogus.-!!
"The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself." -
Will Rogers

jenjen's picture

I can relate to the BM strolling about the house. It is wrong, it feels wrong and it is wrong. My Skd's are 6 & 9, so yes BM does occasionally need to be in the house (or the kids want her to and Im okay with that). But get this...... she has the code to the garage and in the summer when she has the kids all day, they come over to use the trampoline in the back yard. She is in my house UNSUPERVISED! Again, I struggle, becuase I want the kids to use the tramp, and they should be able to run in the house and get something, but SHE doesn NOT need to be in the house!

I dont think you are being too sensitive, its just weird... I feel it too!

I told DH that it feels funny and asked him to imagine that he was home sick one day, sleeping in the bedroom, and along walks my EX - Um, wouldnt you feel invaded to say the least? He agreed and has asked her to limit herself to the entryway and downstairs in the girls rooms (if necessesary). But I guess we really dont know if she respects that or not since were not there. But try to make him see what it feels like to you.

stepangel's picture

I would have made a B-Line to the door the moment he said that to me. He does not value your opinion in any way and made that perfectly clear to you. Lay down an ultimatum and either he gets it or he don't....or gets you or he don't!

shelly36's picture

Thanks for the responses. I have been feeling very guilty about this. I don't want to keep the kids from their mom but I feel like I should have a say in what goes on. I reread my post and need to make clear that the 17 year old son was the one who said "Why are you even in this conversation..." After I calmed down and came back downstairs I talked to my bf about it and he said he told him he had to apologize (which he did) and said that "you wouldn't talk to your mother like that so don't talk to Shelly like that." I appreciated the support but still feel scared and upset. Sad

winehead's picture

Had to have a similar discussion with my now husband. We were living several hours apart but engaged, and he told me one day that his ex was going to move back in with him otherwise she'd be homeless. This was not a question to me, but a statement. How could he let his kids' mom be homeless?

It didn't OCCUR to him that I might object. Lots of drama, but basically I told him the relationship with me was over the second she moved in. He ended up telling her she couldn't live there, which is really what he wanted to do anyway but he was (and is) afraid of losing his children's affection.

You'll get a pretty clear picture of your relationship with him by telling him how you feel and what you need. If he is unsympathetic or makes you out to be the bad guy, walk away. Quickly.

LizzieA's picture

Yes, don't make the mistake of being overly accommodating and then unable to assert yourself later after you can't stand it anymore. Every step family situation is a negotiation and you are primary, not secondary. This forum is great for input about every kind of situation as someone here has dealt with it!

imagr8tma's picture

Wow! That is a hard situation to be in. I am not understanding...... BF's take on things. If he wanted BM to still run the house he lives in - then he should not have had you move in.

Geez you are entitled to privacy as well. I think she is taking advantage of the situation to run his life and attempt to make you feel un-easy.

BF has got to do better than that. Telling him you deserve privacy in the home you live in hopefully will get him to understand things. I am sure he is not allowed to walk all through BMs house - just cause he had kids with her is he?

There are boundaries that should be set once their relationship ended.... and his sons may need a lesson in respect as well.

If things get no better on that front - i would either leave or if that is not possible. sit naked on the bed and walk out in BMs face when she shows up next - hell since she is trying to be nosey in the first place - give her something to really look at.... LOL! just kidding on that.....

BF needs to get a pair - - - --

********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************

shelly36's picture

She is definitely taking advantage of the situation. She still has stuff in the house! Every time she picks up the kids for a visit she says, "oh, do you mind if I take that chair, the coat rack, etc. because 'I bought it with my own money, the kids gave it to me for mothers day, etc!' She goes through the china closet to pick her crap out-my stuff is in there so she's rooting through my stuff as well now. Uggh! Last summer, a couple of months after I met my bf, she came to drop the kids off from a visit. I was upstairs just waking up and my bf told me I should get ready so we could leave the house soon. He wanted to leave before she woke up from the nap she was taking on the couch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so mad I could barely see straight.

astepmom's picture

Ugh. Creepy! My skids let their BM in our house once. I nearly died. I had to shoo her back out the door. She was dying to nose around. That is one of about 3 times I have ever talked her to her in 3 years. I said, "We're getting ready to eat dinner. Now is a really bad time." I don't care whose mom she is, I don't want her in my house!

GiGi222's picture

It looks like everyone is upset with YOU for interrupting their routines. Did you know about BM walking thru the home prior to you moving in?
That stuff should just stop. I can't imagine it being comfortable for you at all. And come on these kids are teens, they will be okay.
I don't know how you can put a stop to it, Shelly, considering you are already moved in. Try asking BF how he would feel if you had an ex roaming the halls and see what his response is, if you haven't already done so.

aleshiafenner's picture

If he don't get it by telling him, then show him. Its works every time with my man. Call up the ex(or a cute male friend) and give him a tour of your home. Make your man feel the way you do when his ex roams around your home. He will be mad but he will get the picture.

shelly36's picture

giana222, I did know that she came into the house and still had her stuff in there before I moved in. In fact, last January we had the same exact fight we had 4 days ago-and it was mostly about her. At that time, she was also borrowing his car! It's my fault because I should have set some ground rules before I moved in. But, I was so hopeful and happy to be moving to a new phase with him that I didn't do it. Now I feel like I'm stuck! I've given up my apartment, some of my furnishings and don't have the money to move out. I'd like to make it work but I'm scared it won't. You are right, it does feel like the 4 of them were happy with things the way they were. Now, I'm saying it's not ok and disrupting their routines. None of them are happy about it or me. Sad

belleboudeuse's picture

No. Just -- no.

Sorry, it is your house now. Period. She does not live there anymore. She needs to knock. She needs to come there ONLY when you are there, and your BF needs to respect your wishes. If she sold the house, would she expect the new owners to let her come in when she wanted and take naps?

You get 50% of the decision making power in your home. This would be a deal-breaker for me, if my BF/DH did not understand that someone who does not even live in my house should not be making the rules there. If my DH didn't get that the only way for me to have equal status to him in the house would be for me to actually be the mistress of the house, then I would walk.


You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

jenjen's picture

I think I see where you are coming from because at one point I was there too. When we started dating she still had her stuff there (they hadnt divided assets yet) because she was living with her mom. Anyway, what Im getting at is that everyones situation is different. I have no reason to not trust BM, I dont know what you're situation is. I do not like the fact that she has the code to our garage, but the kids are too young to understand that if we changed it they shouldnt give it to BM anyway. So, Im stuck in that one. I thought about telling him that if they were too young to understand that only the people who live in this house have the code that they were too young to have the code themselves, but I havent had a reason to go there yet. IF something were to happen that would be the deal. He would understand. Again, I dont know what your situation is. The words you have used to explain your feelings about it to him may have been taken wrong by him. Like I said in an earlier post, you have to make him see it in your shoes. If he cant understand how this is crossing boundries that you are uncomfortable with then there will probably be many more to come. Just be careful.

jenjen's picture

My BM's not a "bad" person, she's nothing to worry about really, shes just there as the skids mom (I dont like the way she parents sometimes, but thats about it). IF she gave me a reason the Skids wouldnt have access to their house without myself or DH there. If I heard of her going upstairs for any reason, it would be over. Done. No more code and DH would agree. It would sadden me though that she ruined her children having access to their home.... but it wouldnt stop me.

lovin_my_life's picture

Your BF was mad at you? Wow...

Chances are, if he's like this now, he'll probably always be this way. You'll spend too many days upset and hurt and he probably won't understand or even care.

Run. Run as fast as you can and never look back.

"I aint no Carol Brady"

lovin_my_life's picture

But if you really want to stay, take some advice from the poster above me and she'll give you all the tricks you need to run his kids out of the house faster than your BF can blink!

"I aint no Carol Brady"

Sara_Smile22's picture

Moving into the 'Ex House' is mistake number one. That will always be 'their' house...been there....don't miss it. But if it is a situation that isn't negotiable, and you still want to stay in the relationship, then he needs to know how you feel about it and respect that. I think it's just a matter of if he's the type of guy who is going to be sensitive to you and your needs or not. As far as being involved in the parenting...I probably have a different perspective than most....If I didn't HAVE to be involved...I mean dragged kicking and screaming into parenting my stepkids, I would have been QUITE happy. The lucky stepparents are the ones who get to be the new female/male role model that gets to love the kids like an aunt/uncle/adult friend while the parents do the parenting work. Want we should all be that lucky IMO. There is a BIG difference between that and getting all the parenting dumped on you and not having the respect or authority that goes with it though....most of us get one or the other, but not both....

stepmom2one's picture

It is to hard to share a home he had prior with the kids. You need to sell and move, it is the only way to truely feel at home.

You do have a right to say who does or does not walk through your home you live there too. Does he pay all the bills? If not you have a say.

BM comes into my home. SD asks if she can come in for this or that. I have no problem--actually my H is the one that doesn't like it.

But if you feel uncomfortable then get a new house.....or at least get him to agree to a different home. This is something that you don't want to be fighting over for the next 20 plus years.

Milomom's picture

NOT NORMAL on SO many levels. I only have the limited info. from your post, but I'm not getting it at all. Why is BM coming in to your home in the first place? I need examples here. There is NO REASON for her to come into your home...period! Why hasn't she removed all of her belongings yet? How long have they been separated? Are they legally separated? divorced? Who owns the house? I'm really reaching here trying to even think of one normal reason for why BM comes in to begin with. Are they both looking for excuses for her to come by? You also stated in one of your replies that you actually KNEW that BM was allowed to come in to BF's house when you moved in...and you still moved in without this having been resolved, first? Shelly, please give me more info. especially timelines of what's been going on & how long you've been putting up with this - I will help you as much as possible (I, too, am living in the house that was formerly BF's home with BM & skids, so I can speak from personal experience). By the way, WELCOME to ST SHELLY!!!

Rags's picture

What kind of sick individual would torture his GF by giving his XW run of his house?

Get out now.

Just my humble opinion of course.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

shelly36's picture

Hi all. Thanks for the advice. Milomom- They are divorced. His divorce became final last January-they had been separated for 2 years at that point. She has been out of the house approximately 3 years now. I moved into the house in June. We had been dating a little more than a year at that point. Both of their names are on the deed but his name is on the mortgage. As a part of the settlement in the divorce, she gave him the house free and clear. He just hasn't taken her name off the deed yet. She comes in the house for a variety of reasons: she always comes in to use the bathroom (it bothers me but it's a really long drive from her house), the kids as her to "look at their room," by bf has asked her to look at stuff that was broken thinking maybe she knew how to fix it (this pisses me off), etc. The BM is bipolar and my bf is afraid she's going to turn the kids against him so he doesn't want to be a hard ass. He also feels really guilty because the bm is such a crazy person and he worked a lot and she didn't take care of the kids (didn't make them dinner, clean, stayed in bed all day, etc).

I think I have a plan. Unfortunately, I can't afford to move out just yet. I will be able to do so in June. I've given him a list of things that I am unhappy with. He has said he is going to fix it. We'll see. If he doesn't, I will simply move out. I don't feel so stressed anymore. It's just that simple. I will not waste years of my life fighting about this crazy woman who treated him and the boys like they were crap!

Milomom's picture

Shelly, I know that every situation is different, so I will try to keep my "objective hat" on so that I can try to help you. But I don't want to "sugarcoat", either. So if my advice goes out of bounds, or doesn't apply to your particular situation, feel free to ignore me. First and foremost, there is NO REASON WHATSOEVER for BM/BF's ex to be coming into your home anymore! This should have stopped as soon as they separated. The ONLY exception I can think of is if the skids were VERY YOUNG when they broke up (and I mean babies!!), where they physically needed her present for whatever reason or another. How old are skids? Sorry, I don't remember. I know that since BM is bipolar, BF may be afraid BM will turn the kids against him...but in all honesty, that's NO EXCUSE for him allowing her into your home. There is something called BOUNDARIES and without them, your relationship will become quite chaotic - having to figure out when she can & can't enter your home (IMO, he shouldn't have allowed it from the time they separated) - and the main difference now is that YOU LIVE THERE! As for BF having her come in to look at stuff that's broken thinking maybe she knew how to fix it? I'm dumbfounded by that one...HUH??? What could she possibly know how to fix that he either doesn't know how to fix himself or couldn't find out? Hmmm...I think that this is very dysfunctional and I don't blame you at ALL for feeling stressed out about it. I must tell you that if BM were allowed to come into BF's house for ANY reason (especially after I moved in), I probably would've left or never moved in with him to begin with. I guess I'm very lucky in this respect, because my BF is more adamant about BM not coming into our house than I am!! He'd probably flip out if he knew she even TRIED to come in - she knows she's not allowed in, and so do the skids. BTW, we don't expect to come into HER home, either, so it is a mutual respect thing, not being rude. You are trying to be nice and understanding, but this arrangement "crosses the line" in so many abnormal ways. One of the most important things to remember (that I see as a common theme on ST posts time and time again), is that you will have YEARS of agony to come if your BF doesn't support you & doesn't "stand up" for you and treat you as a true "teammate". Don't allow yourself to become the "martyr" and be so understanding of his situation with BM & the skids that you lose YOURSELF in the process. I hope you don't think I'm being harsh or judgmental of you, Shelly - my intentions are nothing but good and I want nothing but to help you (especially since I'm in the same boat where I moved into my BF's house that he once shared with BM & skids as a "family"). Good luck & keep me posted on this. And don't forget to let me know the skids ages & male or female?