As some of you know, my SD15 goes to therapy once a week because of SF molesting her. Well, SD has been having some issues with other things in her life as a result of the molestation. Well, last week SDs therapist gave her an assignment to do before she goes back this week. SDs assignment was to search what Healthy Relationships are. This was the first time that SD has mentioned that her therapist gave her an assignment to do before her next appointment. After she had told us about it and I saw that she wasn't completing it. I had a talk with DH and suggested that maybe we should help SD with it. Because if she doesn't do the things her therapist asks her to, then SD is wasting my time, her therapists time, and her own time because the therapy won't help SD. I told DH that I would help SD with this because DH & SDs relationship is kind of rocky at times. And SD has said it more than once that she can't really talk to her dad about anything. So last Thursday when we all sat down at the table for supper, we all did our normal "high low" and then had a talk with SD about the assignment. I started the conversation off by asking her if she knows anyone that has a healthy relationship. She said yes. I asked who? She couldn't name anyone. I then asked her what she thought a healthy relationship was. I thought she would come back with....love, trust, respect. I was wrong. SDs response was, "well you have to have money, no fighting". I stopped her right there and said "ummmm no, that is what society teaches you about relationships. That is not what a healthy relationship is at all. Because the richest person in the world, is probably the most miserable and the poorest person, is the happiest." SD looked at me with a very puzzled look and said ok??? I then went on to tell her that I would help her complete the assignment that her therapist gave her, but SD had to be willing to do it. I also told her that I know in the past with other therapists she has worked with gave her assignments to do and she didn't do them. (I only know that because BM told me) I told her that I think that is because she didn't know how to go about doing them and no one took the time or effort to help her. SD said that I was right and that if BM or anyone would have helped her, she would have done them. I apologized to SD, because if I would have known about the past therapists requests, I would helped her. But BM never told DH or I about it, until just recently. I had originally planned on helping with the assignment over the weekend....but SD asked if she could spend sometime at a friends house. So DH & I left her go. So, this evening I had SD sit down with me at the table and write on a piece of paper what she thought a healthy relationship was. Here is her response....A healthy relationship is people who care about each other and don't abuse each other. Which is correct, but doesn't say what those 2 people are to do to have a healthy relationship. So I then had her search it on the internet and read what the 2 people have to do to have a healthy relationship. I then asked her to write down what she had learned that the 2 people in a healthy relationship are to do so that it is healthy. Her response was this....A healthy relationship should be based on these elements...trust, communication, caringness, expressing points of view, and having an open mind about ones opinions. After that, I had her read the tips on how to have a healthy relationship and the warnings that you are in an unhealthy relationship. I then had her make a list of Dos & Don'ts. Here is her list of Dos....Be open & have trust, say "I love you"(only when you mean it), talk often, say if you have feelings for someone else, be realistic. Her Don'ts....Don't flirt with friends, say it is your fault, break it off over a fight, cover up for someone abusing you, cheat, blame your SO for your own mistakes, think about marriage after a few weeks of dating. After all of that, we sat and talked about it all. I told SD that now is the time for questions while all of this is fresh in your mind, but that anytime she has questions about it don't be afraid to ask. Which currently SD has a boyfriend and she says that she really likes him and that he treats her really good. But she feels that she is wrong for not telling him about her SF molesting her. I told her that she has only been dating this guy for a week and that it is ok to not tell him about it yet. Because if she told him and something happened that they break up (SD is known to date a guy for 2 weeks and dump him) that he could spread lies about it. Well, then SD started saying ok but what about this or what about that. So, while we were talking she started texting her BF and was asking him different things about what he expects from her. Because she has this one friend who is a guy and this guy likes her. But she doesn't like him in that way and doesn't want to ruin her relationship with her BF over it, but also does not want to give up their friendship because of her BF. I told SD that if her BF cares about her at all and she is open & honest with her BF about this other guy, her BF would understand, trust her, and not make her choose. And low and behold....I was right. Then she said well what do I say to my friend when my guy fiend starts saying about how much he likes me and everything. I told her to tell him that she has a BF and that you two are just friends. SD says, well I did that and he continues to do it. So I told SD that the next time her friend says something about it that she is to say the following to him....I have a BF and if you are a true friend to me like you say you are, then you will respect that and stop saying these things to me. So I'll have to wait for an update on that, to see if my advice on that worked. But I feel as though I helped SD start to realize what she needs to do to have a healthy relationship. And I also told her that these tips and warnings also apply to friendships to, because they to are relationships. And it is not good to have unhealthy friendships.

SD was not to happy at first about having to complete the assignment. But I think that she changed her mind about it after she had someone help her complete it. Because SD really opened up about the topic and I think felt a little better about it after doing it. SD couldn't understand at first why her therapist asked her to do it, but I explained to SD that what she has been through in the past has imprinted the wrong messages into her brain about how things are to be and this one assignment is just a small building block to help her get started on the correct path to healing and rewiring how she thinks, sees, and feels about everything around her. And that she can't be scared of the changes she has to make, but needs to embrace them. And that she needs to remember that I am here to help her with them and that she is not going to have to do it alone.

SD goes to therapy today after school and I hope that her therapist gives her another assignment to do.